The First Time I Tried to Kill Myself

July 15th, 2019; MSM

There's this weird feeling in my head at the moment. Find myself circling around memories or perhaps they're dreams. It's strange to think I've been without a heart for so long. It's strange to think I'm debating with myself the meaning of a romantic relationship and how feasible it is to have one without physical intimacy of any kind and a complete lack of emotional exclusivity. I'm making excuses. Excuses so that I don't have to find myself in the next few years prepping another "Goodbye." Just when you thought you could devalue your life any further amirite?

There was this time when I was truly happy. Or maybe that was another dream. Seems I do that a lot. It's safe to say I'm talking about Anne. She's not here anymore. I gave her the closure she asked for all those years ago. It felt.... Can't say good because that would be a lie and I lie enough to get by in this world to waste it on the one place that can't overtly judge me. Right. Comments are all but disabled because the platform depreciated this version of itself. That's something Squarespace doesn't tell you. Good times. Tangent ended. I grew up without my father. Not sure I'd call it a broken home but then it wasn't exactly conducive to a healthy mental development as I'm sure my backlog will readily exemplify. She was pregnant. She was married too but that didn't seem as important at the time. Love right? Something like that. Still've never met another person like her. Law of averages, it's more likely to be impossible to find two people who are exactly alike. Sure, that's how science works. Tangent two complete. I couldn't destroy it. The family. But I could destroy myself. Become the villain. Seems like every potential relationship I've ever had has ended in such a way. And me without anywhere near the money necessary to fix such a striking character flaw. A world overstock with heroes produces...

I can't keep pretending this is more than what it is but; actually no, let's do that. I've gotten older. More gray hairs keep popping up. Prefer silver to bald so no complaints there. I'm surprised I made it this far to be honest. I'm surprised by a lot of what I seem to be capable of. I was sitting behind my desk looking at the floor of the tent. I was overwhelmed. Such was life over there in the dust. Took it in my hands. Loaded a round, switched it to semi, and put the muzzle to my head. That's out of order. I definitely switched it to semi after placing it against my forehead. Not that it really matters but, meh. Rested my finger on the trigger and slowly started to squeeze. Should've kept the bullet as a reminder.

"Duty first, service always," right? That's surprisingly what snapped me out of it. Tears on my face; that's what brought me back. The fact that I had a mission to complete. How childish must I have been? How weak? Swayed by my duty to my country. I'm surprised I'm still that way for the most part. Paid off my largest debt today. Just three more debts to pay off before I'm completely free. I'm surprised I've gotten here. I'm surprised how long I've remained alone and suffering. I'm surprised that I already have a fleshed out plan for the end. I'm surprised how easy it will be to execute. I'm surprised that just six years ago was the first time I tried to kill myself and that the next time there likely won't be any mission to take me away from it.