Mainstay Mondays: Kissing

December 26th, 2016

There are a lot of things I've done in my life up to this point but kissing isn't something I can say I've had the most practice with. The thing about it that gets to me though is that when I first looked into it, as in took a moment to really think about what it was, I really became confused. The act or rather what it represents makes sense. I mean it made sense when I first learned about it during adolescence but it just well is so strange. There's no real guide, it's just something that happens and everyone just seems like they're expected to know what they're doing and it's just so strange to me.

Obviously there are plenty of examples of people publicly attempting to figure it out for the first time and it's usually laughter inducing (to some extent or another) but what it represents, just like so many other aspects of intimacy, largely seems to be presented on the basis of "figure it out as you go." Perhaps my upbringing was just that much the outlier but I just find it intriguing.

When I kissed someone for the first time I was merely emulating the kisses I'd seen in media. Young enough to not truly know about porn so lucky me I suppose that it didn't imprint on me a more aggressive pattern but looking back I wonder if it would've even mattered. You see, while the person I kissed was someone I was in a relationship with, there was no feedback. There was no talking about anything. I can't say I know if that person liked or even hated it. We kissed and that was it. There would be more kissing in the duration of our relationship but at the very end I left it knowing about as much as I went into it as far as intimacy goes. I picked up a few things but I wouldn't have a frame of reference for any of them for a long time after that experience. Whether it had to do with society or perhaps just me being a unique case but all my life, I've just been left with more questions than answers and no input to speak of. I grew up in a different time however so I shouldn't be surprised but it just baffles me how strange of a process it was for me to get to where I am right now. How I developed my style of physical intimacy.

How I learned, almost instinctively, how/when to close my eyes. To kiss. To feign emotions.