I Believe There's a God Above Me, I'm Just Trying to Save Everyone Else

November 27th, 2017

First let me tackle the title. Kidding. What'd be the point in reading if you already know the premise. Then again I suppose I've come to find there are way more people of that inclination in this world than I ever thought there could be. Been a while "fam.""Kept you waiting, huh?"If I remember by the end of this I'll link the references to those. Here's hoping.

Meat and potatoes though because otherwise this is pointless... er uh, more pointless? Screw it. It's (It + Has) been quite a while since I've updated. The throwbacks are hardly updates in the truer sense of the word and most of those were scheduled anyway. What's going on? What's changed? Why the absence? I'm sure my audience of one person is just dying to know. metaphorically though because if literal, I then lose my brand. That's how that works right? No? Oh, so I suppose I should stop with this garbage and just get to the point.

This won't be like the standard Monday stuff, but I suppose the change had begun many months ago already. The point is that this is going to be coming from the seed of something more personal. What I mean to say is that if there aren't any overarching themes to something more metaphysical then I apologize but that's just how it'll be. Depending on the timeframe I may just be able to get one of those in before I disappear again but who knows. Maybe just more throwbacks till I can finally get on my feet again. So where to begin? How about with something deeply personal.

I am alone. And not like reddit meirl/2meirl4meirl "alone" but more actually alone. I haven't had a friend, or what passes for one, since 2015. My family is all but nonexistent and for some reason, tonight of all nights I started pondering the correlation between my self-imposed banishment and the ease in which I was able to find such isolation. On a whim I watched a REACT video and it reminded me of the last, or one of the last, time(s) I spoke with my older brother's wife. Oh, I have a brother. Not as important but I do have siblings. Maybe I'll get to a place where it's worth speaking about but for now all that's necessary is to know that this particular sibling is married and quite a few years ago I had a falling out with said spouse. Looking back on it, tonight, I realized how oblivious I must've been to believe such an outcome wouldn't affect my relationship with him. My brother that is. It was his wife for goodness sake. But then I was a bit more self-involved--read as sociopath--at the time but far less inclined to keep up appearances for the sake of civility. Honestly I believe I was as honest then as I could say I would be for the decade that followed. Email correspondence, go figure. I've always found my truth in writing. Probably because it was far too easy to lie in such a medium. But I'm getting into a tangent. The point is that, well, what do you think happened? Eventually my brother broke off contact with me. Granted it happened a great deal later in time than I would've thought but of course it did happen.

Part of me wonders how he rationalizes it. Probably the same part of me that wonders how anyone who has stopped speaking with me rationalizes it. I mean I know how I get by with the knowledge but that's because I'm a sociopath. They are people though. Human beings with human emotions and feelings and empathy and whatnot. Logically, they likely blame me and of course I can accept that but call me Schrodinger because that, among a few other anomalies in my life, is my cat. I'm not linking that because I won't insult your ability to google or just know the reference off the dome. So tie it in. What does any of this have to do with a misquoted song lyric? I guess nothing more than it was just what was playing as I started this post. The alteration having a bit more meaning to it but all in all not really anything that can't be ascertained from the steady decline apparent in the throwbacks.

I was away for a while and in the time away I did some rereading and site maintenance. It's hard to write by the constraints I've implemented on myself. This just feels like work and well, with work feeling like hell, yeah. I'm really floundering. Don't get me wrong here. This isn't a cry for help, just needed to get some stuff off my chest because there are idea ideas floating around that could use the extra breathing room. The light has finally reached the dark and people are starting to see what lurks in the shadows. Surprise, surprise, it's quite unsettling. That'll probably make more sense later. If I ever get around to updating more frequently at least. Anyway, I guess I'm back? Time will tell.