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Wednesday
Mar282018

The First Paragraph Was Yours

It's easy to forget how much food poisoning sucks. Too terribly easy to forget. But then you get it and remember. That was my yesterday. Honestly this whole week has been questionably rough. It's my last week as a "free agent," of sorts, and I'm overloaded with all the work I have to get done. Backstory. I essentially signed a deal with a 'devil' so everything I produce after the 31st will no longer be mine. Not the best of circumstances but then again, there weren't exactly tons of other options available to me. Struggle. Fight. Kick. Scream. Never give up. The essence of the foundation my persona would be built upon. Or at least a large part of it. Yeah, it has also been a pretty heavy week of introspection as well. April is shaping up to be positively frightful. And me the very first fool.

You ever find a song that so encapsulates your feelings about an event? So much to the point that it kind of frightens you? Yeah, I found that song in the throws of trying not to expel waste from both ends of my body at the same time. Let me preface this by saying I've found "close," I've found "relatable," but then this is just eerie. Perhaps it's merely evident that for whatever it was, it just wasn't that special after all. Wasn't that unique. That it was, for all intents and purposes, a shot at normalcy. No wonder it was doomed to fail. Still looking for answers I guess. Getting back to zero is harder than anything I've ever done before. But of course it is. I'm trying to transcend, myself, essentially. I worry about all the things I'll lose. But the decision has been made. I can't continue on as I am. Not in this broken state if I desire to affect existence in any meaningful way.

Feels like I'm just stacking up on unexplored references. It's convoluted. I'm on to the next and that's a great disservice. Maybe I'll fix it in post. Some of it can just be rectified by links. Others will just have to be what they are I guess. I'm avoiding things again. I was accused of beating around the bush a lot. It's not wrong. For a 'writer' I sure as hell like to take my time committing words to the page. Not enough clearly since a cursory perusal through my backlog will find plenty of errors, grammar/spelling/otherwise, but yet I still continue to push. Maybe it's the defect. I don't like closing doors. That might seem laughable but it's true. I've always left a path open to myself and while it may seem as though I don't bother or even ignore things, I most certainly don't. When anything becomes strained, especially with relationships, I pull back and try to take more time to evaluate the proper words/actions. Seems like I got into the habit of saying nothing at times. Seems I developed a habit of waiting until I got to a point where I could find the right words to convey what need be said. I don't like making the same mistakes twice. I don't ever want to end things. Especially not those things that brought me happiness and joy. But I suppose that's naivete. I'm too old to still have that kind of hope. Aren't I?

Haven't had a beard this long in a while. I forgot how much I missed it. I already feel like I'll miss it. I'm surely at peak raggedy right now. Working on four songs, three literary pieces, stockpiling content for here, and continuing work on the foundation for what will eventually amount to my legacy in this world. It doesn't seem like much when typed out that way. I'm pushing through though. Past the pain. Past this horror-view future that's been haunting me. I have this uncanny ability to string together notes and make what passes for rudimentary music. The first time I put it into play on a larger scale beyond myself and 'friends' was with the creation of a mandolin melody. I'd link to it but I'm sure it'll be a Throwback sometime this year or next. Next up will be a piano melody. Using it for the back beat to one of the 'hardest' songs I've ever written. No jokes. Just laying it all out bare. Should have the rough finished by the end of this week. Need to find a studio or the money to upgrade my equipment so all this stuff doesn't sound like trash but seeing as I can barely afford food right now, I guess it is what it is. Oh, I suppose that's why I didn't make this into a separate paragraph like I normally do with new topics. Was accused of making everything a test as well. So many faults in one person. Of course I don't have any friends.

This should be far enough. It's all true but I suppose superfluous as well. I'll miss my chess partner. But she made a choice and I have to respect it. I messed up. It's always me. My fault. No one should ever be apologizing to me. For anything. Because at the end of it all, it's all on me. My interactions with the world have made that abundantly clear. I said the wrong things. I ruined things. I may be what one wants at the time but I'm not what they need. I'm not necessary. I keep tabs on the people I care about. Sparingly. I don't want to lose my connection to them. I look for happiness. I look for betterment. I always hope to find it so that I can validate my choices. It's a "catch-22." If they're doing well, it's because I "left," if they're doing poorly, it's because I interfered in their lives. I am better at a distance. That's the life I wanted as a kid. To do good but remain in the shadows. Why I idolized heroes. Why it was so easy to adopt an alias. A persona. Maybe perhaps even why it was so easy to have my mental state broken. Fragmented. The ideal versus the reality. But there was a third thing. Entity. The intermediary? Spent so much time trying to bridge the gap while stuck as the intermediary; stuck in limbo. Fracturing more and more. That's why this can't be that. That's what resetting back to one is. That's why it has to be zero. That's what worries me though. I'm electing to remove someone from my life. Truly. Permanently. The first person I'll ever truly disavow. I've said goodbye to two of the most pivotal parts of my adult existence and now I say it to one more. Though this is far more than a goodbye. This isn't for their sake like the others. This is for me. To me. This is closing a door. This is goodbye to me. This is where I finally die.

Goodbye M- T- L-

Wednesday
Mar212018

Wrecked My Savings, My Car, and My Chances at Happiness

Listening: TT0: The Journey Through

Goodbye Anne.

Figured I'd get that out of the way first and foremost. Could honestly chuck that up to something "I should've sent" long ago. If I'm being truthful, I suppose somewhere deep down inside, I thought there may be some slim chance or hope of there being an "us" again somewhere down the line. But well, given the circumstances....

I wrote of zero at the last "check in." Since, I've been trying to figure out just quite what that meant. Since then I've almost died several times. I took a risky trip in an even riskier mental state. Needless to say, I'm broke again and my car needs about three grand in repairs. It's funny because this is the only outlet to share that. There's no one else I can talk to about this all. I am alone again after all. Prostitutes...

Don't trust drug addicts, or something along those lines. I started watching "Breaking Bad." That was a line uttered toward the end of season two. Made me laugh and want to put a bullet in my head at the same time. I know this is withdrawal. I know it's going to hurt for a good long while but it's also something else. The something else mixed in is what's making this so much more of a hassle. If it just hurt it'd be whatever but it's like it's there but not there at the same time. I can't even force a cry. I can't get this out, it's just buried so deep that I can't even touch it but at the same time it's consuming me whole. What the hell is this new pain?

I'm not working right now. All I have is time. Time to dwell and it's ten kinds of "great." Timing couldn't be any better. I just keep thinking about one thing more than anything else. 'How could I have handled this better?' I felt the end coming so I crafted an out for her. Just didn't expect her to take it so soon. Just didn't expect her to have thought so little of me and my feelings and my soul laid bare for her. My fault for thinking I mattered. Been down that road already though. I don't matter, yadda yadda. So what now? Zero.

What does that mean though? Deconstruction. That's actually step two in the path but I won't be able to function much longer at this rate so I don't have the luxury of time anymore. I need to break down to the foundation before I can start to build again. Unfortunately for me that means This place may very well be going dark for awhile. Collateral damage. Or maybe not. Who knows. Just that if I do this right, I won't be this anymore. So I guess I can thank her for that.

A new adventure awaits. Never felt so ill-prepared in my life. The hallucinations aren't helping either. Still not sleeping either. But that doesn't matter right now. Have to keep moving forward. And with that, another important step. Goodbye Kim.

Time to start Chapter Two, at Zero.

Wednesday
Mar142018

While I Was Homeless...

Been a while. If the title is indicative of anything, it's that I was homeless for a bit. That doesn't exactly encapsulate all the time I spent away but again, with the scheduled posts it's not as though it'd be all that noticeable. Noticeable. I'm writing for an audience again instead of myself. I realized that such is what this has become. It saddens me.

I had a lot of time to think as I was in between domiciles. I Snap'd my time in the wind. It was interesting to see the people that showed concern. Some familiar. Some unexpected. Really put things into perspective. I wanted to respond to all of them but I couldn't. I didn't. I was still reeling from the loss of my only friend. The first person I let into my world in many years. Needless say, she ended things. Honestly, the worst part wasn't that she didn't even say goodbye, it was the fact that she gave up on me so easily. The fact that since January she was pulling away. The fact that she started lying and manipulating me. The fact that throughout it all I would've and still would give just about anything to have her back in my life.

We weren't dating. Just turns out we weren't really friends either. I realized that when she stopped trusting me. When she would respond to me like all the others I come across in my life everyday. I thought she would be different. For a while she was. She seemed to listen to me and was actually interested in my life. But then after what happened I wonder now if it was just all about the money in the end. Was it a con from the start or did I tank things somewhere along the way? Answers I'll never get I guess. So what of the answers I did get? I think I finally found out why I'm stuck in misery. Maybe.

I am not human. Bold claim but it's the truth. That's where I've been going wrong these past few years. I got a taste of humanity and thought it could be something for me. I was wrong. Sadly it took this meteoric fall to show me that. What was it I used to say back in the old days? 'Things like us don't get to die happy?' Yeah. It's really odd how a stroll through one's crudely documented past can reveal an almost prophetic insight into the world and its inhabitants. Odd and then some.

My biggest error in judgment was when I stopped looking outward and started trying to focus inward. There's where and when all the conflicts started. The core of this being isn't made for that. While I am merely a passenger, I should've known not to try to steer. I've lost sight of the revelations, of the philosophy, of Guardian. I am but a dull blade as I am without. I understand that now. But I don't know just how to get back or even if such a thing could be possible.

I haven't abandoned anyone. I haven't let go of anyone. But perhaps that is the problem. Every fall is just a drop back to zero. Every build is on the same failed foundation. No. I'm mistaken. The foundation is sound. I've just not made it to zero. I keep building from one. Morribb. I need to start back at zero.

Thank you. Another adventure awaits me. Soon I will be required to be something greater. I won't be ready but I will fight. That is my purpose. Fight. Save all. My name is now as it has always been. My "place" no longer eludes me. This world could never have one for something like me. I mustn't forget that again. Never again.

Let's start, Day Zero.

Wednesday
Feb212018

Username_Redacted

"What am I?"

That's been coming up a lot lately. The answer is never satisfying. The answer is never what I want it to be. I was asked if I was a good person. I hesitated. Before I could figure out how to answer the person no longer wanted to hear it. 'Ask yourself that and when you have the answer tell it to yourself.' That stung. I didn't say 'ouch' though. The person has no idea how much it sucks to be right all the time. So much so that even when you call yourself anything but, you're still it. Right. It's laughable. No. It's just sad. It's sad and I still don't understand how to relate to humans in a manner that is acceptable for both parties. I wonder if that's the nicer way to answer the question. I am unrelatable.

For what seems like the longest time now I've found myself wondering if there was something wrong with me or the world. Should be a no-brainer but whenever I speak to the crisis hotline or therapists they imply that perhaps it isn't. Me that is. So I've been putting it to the test. My life is full of setbacks. Every life is. Instinctively I attribute the blame to me and my shortcomings. The implication is that depression makes one less objective. So, I try to leave myself open to the possibility that I'm just catastrophizing. Recently though things expanded outward into all aspects of my life. I lost every friend I once had. "Lost" would be a lie. I distanced myself from them. The reasoning is convoluted but what it amounts to is the fact that I didn't feel like they were true friends anymore. Now, just over half a decade later, trying to make a friend again I find that I was short-sided in my previous understanding. I've found that it wasn't that they weren't true friends. It's just that I didn't know what a friend was. Something, I think I finally understand now. And, like so many other things in this life, I am what's wrong with the equation.

A friend isn't supposed to be their for you. A friend isn't supposed to accept you for who or what you are. A friend isn't supposed to allow you to vent your frustrations or release your pain and sorrow. A friend is supposed to tell you your happiness is a lie or wrong and that you should find it elsewhere. A friend is supposed to tell you you're not mentally okay and that there's something wrong with you. A friend is supposed to set limits on what you can say or express. A friend is supposed to tell you that you being honest and open makes them feel bad and unhappy. A friend is supposed to tell you that they don't want to hear about your day, your interests, your dreams. A friend is the person you have to warp and contort yourself to make happy because no one else wants anything to do with you. A friend reminds you that deep down inside, you're worth more dead than you ever were alive.

"What am I?"

I am better in smaller doses. I am better faceless. I am better when I don't speak. I am better when I'm filling a void in someone else's life until they get what they were missing and can move on. I am unremarkable. I am undesirable. I am alone. I am in the dark. I am alone. I am where I've always been. I am alone. I am the only place I'm allowed to be. I am better in smaller doses.

Okay, so the last few weeks have been depressing as all hell. Fortunately for any readers, you'll be safe in knowing I'm not going to kill myself. At least not deliberately. For some reason I seem to have the capacity to contain all this sorrow and pain. Maybe because the self-hate runs just that deep. Either way, welcome to the empty lamb. And would you look at that. The worthless sacrifice. Seems fitting. But no, that's me projecting myself on this. I'm not emptylamb.

"emptylamb.com"

The vessel I fill with my love, my pain, my joy, my sorrow, my rage, my compassion, my mind, my soul, my all to sacrifice for that which resides beyond. I guess I lied. I am going to kill myself. But it's okay. It was always going to end that way. I've been trying so hard to figure this out but I already had the answer the whole time. It can't be the whole world that's wrong so it has to be me. I'm what's wrong. So I'm what must go.

Wednesday
Feb142018

Can Sociopaths Be Suicidal?

There's no good reason to start these with "I want" but that always seems to be the go to. It's Valentine's Day. Usually the equates to nothing for me but now here I am. Thinking of someone. Thinking of someone who by all accounts doesn't want me. At least not in the same way I do them. Can you still have heartaches if you have no heart? Can sociopaths be suicidal?

Wow, call me the "one-pump chump" over here. I already let out the title and we haven't even gotten to the second paragraph. Maybe I'm just off my game more than I thought. Maybe I'm a bigger idiot than.... What? I thought? Such a waste of line space.

What's the update? That's what this is for after all. Didn't have one last week. Not for lack of trying... wait, no. Definitely for lack of trying. I had some stuff going on that was too important to create a post but not important enough to remember after the fact. That sounds fair and legitimate right? Nope. Okay.

It's "Valentine's Day." What does that mean to me? What does that mean to my life? Wasn't I trying to die not all that long ago? (Never stopped, still trying) But where is all this coming from is what I keep asking myself. Lie. I don't ask myself that. I ask what I feel as the world burns around me. The answer helps me gauge my mental state. Have to love that subconscious mind. I'm sick. I tried to save someone for the first time in a while. Didn't know where the impulse came from. Maybe the last remnants of him. Maybe the re-ignition of that old core directive. I'm fading out. I got blood on me. Had to reach through puke filled water to open a drain so the person wouldn't drown in their own vomit. I carried them to their room. I helped them stay alive and all I could think was, "are humans really just that weak?" No one needs me. Not really. I'm slowly losing it all and no one notices. That's the way I want it. But it's "Valentine's Day" and I want to do something special. I can't tell what's real anymore. Is this another mask or is it the only genuine left?

Can sociopaths be suicidal?

Wednesday
Feb072018

You'll Never Know How Badly You Make Me Want to Die

Last week was a rough week. A lot happened in the space of the nothing that transpired on top. I'd love to say it felt like I was floating but I'm afraid my feet are firmly planted. I'm stuck. I'm stuck trying to make heads or tails of what I've been presented. Things are "good." Many of my concerns have been alleviated in terms of necessities for living. It was honestly a bit touch and go there for longer than I would have preferred but so is the way. I have a friend. The one. Been a while since I've had one. Since I've had anyone to talk to really. I've recovered some semblance of my former creativity again. I'm writing again and even sparingly pick up the pencil and sketch a bit. Things aren't bad. Anyone notice the decrescendo?

I won't say I haven't felt this kind of sad or down before because I have. It's just that there's something else tangled in with it. This would be the paragraph that I'd take to give the flip of everything I listed previously right? Symmetry. Balance. But it's more than that. Not this paragraph no. The break that has formed. I've fallen into a place all too familiar. A place made familiar by the burst of content I produced prior to my last fall. Thank the internet! I have documented, my rise and fall--see upcoming tumblr throwbacks. It puts a lot into perspective. That sounds nice but really there isn't a lot. It's simple. It has always been simple but I seem to always find myself so easily swayed into forgetfulness. This world isn't for things like me. I will always be on the outside looking in. No one will join me. Commiserate with me. Save me. Kill me. Because even if there were one who tried, I'd never allow it. My pain is my burden. And I'll just have to take solace in knowing that eventually I'll absorb enough to get beyond this propensity for saving others. That eventually I'll get to die. That eventually I'll be able to kill myself for real.

What's so wrong with appreciating death? I keep asking myself that. I mention it's on my mind and immediately, conversations shift. What's so good about living? The potential for happiness? And if I were to die next year? Next month? Next week? Tomorrow? Today? Would the potential happiness alleviate the decades of pain and misery? What makes suicide so wrong? What makes it such a litmus test for the broken?

What am I living for? I can't seem to find a reasonable answer. Because he hasn't saved enough people? Because I'm still attached to this world in some way? Because I get off on the pain of living? Take your pick. Each as ludicrous as the last. I live because it's less of a hassle. Because I don't have the means to wipe myself from existence without some inevitable fallout. Not yet at least. I made the mistake of letting people in. I made the mistake of acquiring associations. An association.

A friend.

Everything is cyclic. Just like every friend before things seem to be going just the same way.

The means to survive but lacking substance. The drive to create but without feeling. A friend I can't confide in. Just like before and the time before that. It's me. I'm the commonality. The world's not broken. Just me. It was always me. And just as every time prior, if I can just accept that truth, I may find a way forward.

I love how much she makes me want to die. How it hurts to be with her. How alone I feel with her in my life. How I'm reminded time and again, and this time again, that happiness isn't for things like me.

I love her because she makes me want to die.

I love her because she reminds me that even at my best, I'm undesirable. How every smile I bring to her face bleeds me more as I sacrifice what little is left of myself to wear the facade. You're the only one smiling anymore. But that'll change. Peace will come in death. I can only hope.

My last hope.

I'll be set free in my death.

Wednesday
Jan242018

Rough Days or the Desire to Drown

It's that time again. I've'nt been this consistent with updates in a long, long time. Maybe I'm circling the bottom. Must be something dramatic because I hate this keyboard. I kind of hate this laptop too. Fifteen inches but sans bezel. I miss my 17in. Sure it was cumbersome but at least it had a full-sized keyboard. Any surprisingly more USB ports. Why I've decided to waste lines on that I don't think I'll ever know. Lie. I know exactly why. I don't want to discuss what's really on my mind right now. It's been a rough day. And not just because I'm abusing contractions. Pull up a seat.

I'm abusing the crap out of these contractions. I'm also listening to a certain playlist while I plug away at the keys. (humble link -- Momentum) The point is that I'm on a time limit and haven't even gotten to the true point. Story of my life. Oh, surprise, I'm down. Maybe that'd be a better alias. Call me Down, I'll never be Up. Doesn't have the same appeal as my other but since there's likely only one person who'd get that reference I'll just let it die there. I get it. I really do. I need help.

So what's what? I find myself alone again. That's not new. I've been touching on that for like two weeks already. I want what I can't have. Sure. I want to believe that maybe there's some thing or some one who can fill this void in my life. Maybe I should go back to abandoning life. Was easier when death was a blessing. Wow, I miss my attachment to death. Maybe I should start drinking again. What is the point?! Get to the point! Right.

She doesn't want me. I still want her. It won't end well for me. I'm accepting that. But still feel like I'm drowning. Is there anything I want that I can actually have? Or is this it? Just one failure after the next, just barely getting by until my time finally runs out? Today was a rough day.

I've been isolated personally and now, today, professionally. This keeps happening. That means it's me right? Can't be everyone else if I'm the constant. Or so the saying goes. This playlist is really not meant for this kind of writing. Like I'm sloshing through. Can't see, can't think. Getting hit with nostalgia. Hard. Reminiscing. The good and the bad. Mostly the bad. Taints it all. Can't even cry. I told her about the hurt. Never told anyone about that. Maybe this is what I've been wanting for so long. Maybe she's what kills me. Directly or indirectly. Maybe she'll be what sets me free. Water's up to my eyes. Choking on this fake future I know I'll never have. Why'd I have to start dreaming again? Why can't I get passed this? Why can't I find a place I belong?

Why don't I just kill myself

Wednesday
Jan172018

Can't Seem to Stop Trying to Kill Myself

It's that time again gents. Here I am bearing all manner of gifts but only for the ones that seek me out. Guess I'm pretty selfish like that. Maybe instead of "What's Up" it should be "Selfish." Too bad it just doesn't quite have the same ring to it. So what's new right? That's what this is. I'm pretty low. Might even have to change my name. Nothing really new there. But just sending it out. Oh, wait. My bad. "The Secret" is that what I put out is what I will get back. Crap I must be putting out disgust and hatred. Maybe that's why I'm so low. Maybe that's why I keep making these self-destructive decisions again and again. Or maybe I'm just crazy. Well, definitely I'm crazy but yeah. Maybe in more ways than the one.

I'm just so tired again. Or maybe not again. Maybe I just never felt rested and have just gotten accustomed to the weight. The burden. Why can't I shake the fire and brimstone future whenever I gaze outward? Why am I doing this now? Putting this out here now? Oh, yeah. Time capsule. This is my suicide letter. This whole blog. I shouldn't be so presumptuous. I'd have to succeed at something I've dreamt about first before I could start acting as though I know anything. This is so depressing. Why do I even bother? Five more years. Let's see how it all goes.

Thanks for listening. To the voice in yourself that read these words. Take care. Go with peace and love and happiness and kindness and the desire to live. Sure, the desire to live. Alright secret, hit me back all kinds of 180. Late...

Wednesday
Jan102018

Just Like That

Turns out I'm pretty trash still. Every time I use that name I feel nauseous. That won't make much sense but it's not as though that matters. Wednesdays are for me. Everything else can be for the world. Just at least let me keep this.

I'm writing here because if I'm being honest, it's not as though anyone would read this. And, if anyone were actually to do so, it's not as though it'd be anyone who'd understand just what any of it means. I write here because I find myself in a position where I no longer feel free to speak. I'm back to a world without friends.

Wow, that was the hardest sentence I've had to complete in a pretty long time. I guess coming to realizations'll do that to you. Last week, "I met someone." This week I realized how naive I was. Today really. Pretty clear I'm insane since I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe next time I won't delude myself into thinking it something more by calling it "hope."

"I met someone." What a fool I was and still am. The person I met was what I was looking for, searching for, begging for even, for just so many years. A decade plus! Someone who didn't need me, didn't need my help, didn't need my support. Someone who would be my confidant. Someone I could be truly free with. Someone I could share my all with. Someone I could love? I guess it would always have to go to that if I'm doing that level of sharing. Of course this person can give me all that except the last. A person who doesn't need me, but wants me. Sharing their life. Duly noted brain. Let's see if we can get it right next time.

I haven't felt this low in a while. It's slightly above my lowest which such be evident by the fact that I'm still creating but definitely not anywhere near as happy as I once was. Just last week. This may just be the worst of it. Here's hoping. Probably not going to help that I'm having wicked flashbacks of the last time I was in this situation. Probably definitely. Next year's going to be a stacked week of updates. That'll make more sense next week.

I don't feel like sharing with this person anymore. I don't feel like letting them in any further because I'll just get more and more attached. Attached and desiring a future they've already debunked. I'm a pretty trash friend. What do you know? Full circle.

Wednesday
Jan032018

January Fifth

I met someone.

Wednesday
Dec272017

How Sad Must My Life Be That It's Funny To Me That I May Be Trying To Marry My Cousin

Been for sure a long while since I've done one of these. Hell, been a long while since I've posted more than once a week. It's a lot worse on this end considering Wednesday content tends to be the be the least demanding. It's literally just me spewing my thoughts and where I'm at. Guess I'm still reeling from the fact that a large part of me still doesn't want to write ever again. A large part of me feels abandoned. A large part of me has ever reason to just let this place die. Too bad that part isn't at the wheel right now huh? Or good thing? Never mind.

I've been gone a while. Much longer than the posting would have you believe. Still technically not here but these are more for me than an audience so what does it matter the level of esoteric right? Prostitutes comes to mind. I have been writing a little here or there but none of it feels quite complete. Hell, I even wrote a rap song. It's ridiculous and I love it for that very reason. Will have to post it someday. Maybe it'll be a throwback. I guess I'm glossing over the fact that I've found some inspiration again. Kind of brings us back to the title of this little piece. My "cousin." That's the joke. I hope. I truly, truly do.

This person helped me break a wall that I've rested my head against for so long that I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever get past. Now what though. Can I just jump back into all the projects I've been avoiding all this time? Seems like the only thing I can do that'd make any kind of sense. Really excited about the dude who wakes up with jerk off powers idea. Came up with that like three years ago now, if not four? Oh, yeah, that's another thing. I'm writing scripts now? Like actual scripts. I want to hold on to this person. We've gotten so close and now I fear being broken again. Broken to the point where I lose my words again. Don't know if I'd ever be able to come back after a second break like that. And wow, I'm just so filled with regret. People I feel deserve apologies for having to deal with me and my mania. I'm just so sorry but I don't know that I'll ever have the right to just jump back into their lives to say so. You see, as much as I stress about it, I also don't want to give them the wrong impression. I can't be the person I used to be. Not anymore. Not if I ever hope to reach a future I'm alive in.

So much work to do. Need to get the cobwebs out and dust off this old brain of mine. The grind never leaves but it sure as hell gets hard to see when one's eyes are blacked by prolonged nonuse. Look at me talking about a future again. You'd think I were a real person. That might be kind of nice. Better than the fire and brimstone I keep gleaming when I normally look ahead.

I can't promise there'll be regular content here. I can't even promise I'll do better. Just, welcome and thanks for joining the ride. I guess that'll be it for now.

I already know. I just also know no matter what move I make next, the outcome won't change. It's not over, but for now, I just have to let it take me. It's too early to make a last stand.

And so on this path I continue to walk.

Wednesday
Mar222017

What's Up: Get Up

I guess in the grand scheme it’s just time to come out and say what I’m sure you all already know. I can’t stick to a schedule to save my life. All these grand ideals and at the end of the day it all just falls to the wayside like so much more. While putting this out here may very well be synonymous with an inkling of light left in this dark, perhaps it is just the final flicker. I’ve been wanting to shake off the cobwebs for a bit now but then it seems like there’s plenty of walls in the way. Every writer I admire keeps saying the same thing. “Just write” or “Keep writing” and here I go spewing into the ether. It’s not like I don’t have words. Even if they’re garbage, I still have words. It’s just that, well, maybe I’m not as INTP as I thought. The schedule is stressing me out and I already burned my surplus long ago. I’m so far behind the curve and sure, why now? Let’s take on a huge project on top of all this.

I’ve gotten old. Gray’s showing. Eyes can’t quite focus. Everything tastes like dirt and can’t smell for crap. Haven’t felt anything since I realized I was a sociopath so hearing’s all I have at this point. But even with that I just don’t even know.

New—read as big—project takes shape in April. That is to say it’ll begin in April and while I still have some research to do on the legality of posting it, contractual obligations can suck a fat one, I guess time will tell if it’ll ever see the light of day. Either way I plan to go in on this a little more. I’d hate to force it but I can’t quite let it die just yet either. Need to dust off the mech-pen and draft up some work for an overhaul. Not to mention I also should finally connect some of these branches to the big tree. The fruit has soured with the old twitter but the roots still seem okay. Insta and Youtube are things and while infrequent and boring Twitch is a thing I do every now and then. Facebook can suck a big toe. Perhaps I’ll make a post about why down the line but for now, just know, it’s a non-starter. Oh and something along the line of a Snapchat embed should be interesting.

Well, so this is where I’m at. More or less. Still insane. Alone and insane. Just the way it should be. Take care.

Wednesday
Jan042017

What's Up Wednesday

Monday was rubbish. Let me just be honest in saying so. The first legitimate time back in the saddle and I flubbed it pretty hard. The post was all over the place and lacked the initial message I attempted to convey. It wasn't up to standard and for that I apologize. I'm sorry. Truly.

You see I had a docket of sorts. It's years old and includes scratch notes about topics that stirred enough ire within me to warrant a "discussion." Did I mention the docket had accumulated a bit of dust? I prefaced the identifier of notes with the modifier "scratch" specifically because.... Never mind, it's easier to just admit I've gotten old. Easier to accept I'm not at my finest or sharpest anymore. Wow, you won't believe how much it sucks to put that into the ether but truth has always objectively been more important to me than most anything else. At least as I reside in this current head space anyway.

Full disclosure, the list:

Knowing when to close eyes (kissing)

Break me down, carry over, no building back up

School hold up, artpush (?)

Fake Women/SKINNY Women Media

Scam FemalesXXX

Gays

SpamXXX

Women Disrespect

People Disrespect/Knowledge is still power

Msogyny-Made-Man

Some of the topics I remember enough to dabble in and others not so much at all. It's a bit depressing but to be fair, most everything is when you're depressed. Oh, I'm depressed. I've mentioned it before but it has been a few years. Welcome to my nightmare. No, you're not going to like it. Please don't sue me. Moving on, I attempted to tackle one of those topics about on Monday and on top of being late I royally screwed up the premise. At this point I'm just repeating myself I know but just follow me here. I realized while typing it up that it'd be a disservice to force it. To pretend as though I could muster the same passions I once held now that the experience I've gained over the past few years has brought a strikingly abundant amount of nuance to, well, most every aspect of my understanding. I'm far from enlightened but I'm not exactly the same as I once was. To say not exactly because what do you know, still depressed but that's not as important as the fact that I need to move forward to pursue any realness, any sort of authenticity. So while I regret those topics are left to fall to the wayside I suppose something arguably better* may take form. 

Thanks for humoring me dear ether.

--------

Timestamp:  00:18:18

Word:Typo Count: 418:004

Listening:  Mass:Light (Bonus Album) by Murray Lightburn

* Adding arguably serves the purpose of an asterisk sure but then I wouldn't have been able to then add this utterly unnecessary note at the end.^

^ I hate myself.

Wednesday
Dec212016

What's Up Wednesdays: Dead End

There's not much going on honestly. I'm not where I was when this all started and I mean that in every way imaginable. Let's see what tomorrow has to offer.

Wednesday
Jul102013

What's Up Wednesdays #6: The Inbetween

It's been a while since I've updated. Almost a full year really. I was away on a trip. Not sure if I made it back. Not all of me that is. There's this weird feeling like I'm not, well, to be honest I'm not sure. Just like I forgot something important over there. In that place. I've never felt so exposed but there's little to do. Another big move is coming and I need to figure out what I even am anymore. Not for me. But for.... With everything going on, there has been one thing that's worth noting though. I found true happiness...

Wednesday
Aug012012

What's Up Wednesdays #5

Wednesday
Jul252012

What's Up Wednesdays #4:  Joke

Person A:  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Person B:  I don't know, which?

Person A:  I don't know either; I'm not in to beastiality!

Wednesday
May092012

What's Up Wednesday III

Well it sure has been quite some time, has it not? When did the slump turn into a flat-out abyss off suck? If you guessed, "around the time the depression stopped being passive," you'd win the big prize! So what is life right now aside from all these questions?

Just. Utter. Sorrow.

Wednesday
Feb222012

What's Up Wednesday #2

So if you're a loyal ready here then you've already probably seen how late this is. Sucks I know but well what can be done? Oh, well, I guess me not being a lazy a-hole...moving forward,

I had actually been looking forward to this "What's Up." You see, things have been afoot. Things I had been planning to finally get off my chest. Things to do with last week actually. You see, last week I went back to my hometown. I went back to the greatest city on Earth and though for reasons of legitimacy I really did just end up completing all of nothing but a renewed broken heart.

Last week, my first day in town, I meet up with a number of old friends I hadn't seen in years. It was, unnerving. My entire stay would've been were it not for the crazy but lets just address that later. It was uncomfortable to say the least but I pushed through. My life has been one giant mess of uncomfortable for a while now, sad to say. So we went into the city, a lounge, in effort to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in an even longer amount of time. Imagine to my surprise when one of the first people to approach me is her. The female I spent the end of my high school career and darn near half my college career obsessing over. Someone who, for all intents and purposes, was utterly unavailable. To me.

Let me preface this with something for a moment. We were close. We are still close. REAL close. I don't believe there are too many people left in this world who know me for who I was. But she, she knows what I was, what I became, and even shows some idea of what I am. She is amazing and she's the closest to love I've come in my life. I say closest because for me love is a two-way street. In my belief, if all parties involved aren't in agreement, it just becomes something along the lines of infatuation or lust even. All that said, she truly is so special to me, yet again, utterly unavailable. To me.

She's the first to approach me in the lounge. Not the first I see or who sees me of course, but the first to approach me. And she does so with a hug. She's drunk. I hold her in my arms and am instantly swept into those old feelings. My heart feels like it's going a mile a minute on a freaking bicycle. She warns me about something I'm too engrossed in her to register and then disappears back to whence she came. We, the "guys" and I, settle in to the little V.I.P. area that was set up and meet with some other friends who were there. As I'm debating what to do, sit or stand since again I'm still feeling that anxiety even though it had started mixing with desire, here she comes. Another dear friend from my past. On the plus side, she's just as emotional about my long overdue return. On the not so plus side, her "hug" turned out to be a slap. It hurt. Like hell.

Now the point of this isn't to tell the entire story of my "vacation" but rather to set the stage for this post. I spent all last week thinking about, yearning for, and acting on impulses to get merely moments in the presence of that dear friend I'd pinned over for so long, so long ago. I never actually stopped feeling for her but when she broke it to me about my unfortunate condition, I did my best to kill my heart so that it wouldn't make her uncomfortable. It was my nature to sacrifice after all. Just as the nomenclature I've come to identify with currently states. Empty Lamb. But this isn't about the darkness. Not specifically anyway.

So, a week goes by. I arrive the 12th. I arrange a meeting on the 14th. She catches on to the plan and makes sure to see me at 00:01, the 15th, instead. I make my way to the restaurant she part-times at on the 16th, and on the 17th I met up with another old and dear friend just to get stupid drunk and talk about her. I should've mentioned this earlier but she had told me she wanted to take me to the airport when it was time for my departure during the time we spent on the 15th. Unfortunately as the 18th approached she couldn't make it so I had to leave without seeing her one last time, with no idea of the next time I'd ever even make it back to my home state again. It was rough.

By the time my plane landed it seemed like the pressure in my chest was finally starting to return to normal. Homeostasis. Needless to say, this whole week, I've been thinking about her. Obsessing really. She still wants nothing to do with me in the capacity I'd always hoped for yet I can't seem to kill this. I know why of course. It's simple. Upon seeing her again, it was the first time I've felt those feelings in years. With the depression, isolation, and rage I've resided in, and have now been returning to, the standard numbness in which my soul resides.

Two weeks. For two weeks, so far, she's all I've thought about and I know that I need to stop but I also know that such action would mean to go back to the dark. I like being able to feel something other than the unbearable sorrow of a life of failure and regret. Even though this is as completely delusional as it gets, I feel as though I need this for fear that to let go would mean true isolation from the last vestige that keeps me in a place where I can interact with people in sincerity. It's something I've taken note of for a while now and simply put, I've truly lost touch. But, not in the generational way. My ideation has begun crossing fringe and is more than a little frightening, even to me. I fear I may not be able to make connections soon as I truthfully haven't in over half a decade now already.

In earnest I know what this truly is. It's the path I've chosen. It's where I chose to be but whatever humanity is left in me has the clearest of valid apprehension of such a transition. So now, in this limbo, we explore, we weigh, we wait till the choice has to be made.

Then, we step forward.

Wednesday
Feb012012

What's Up Wednesday Number One

Well now this is long overdue but here comes the next installment of my quest to subscribe to some sort of order/structure for this thing I call an outlet for chaos. What's Up Wednesday is essentially just going to be a check in to express where I'm currently at. That being said, this stuff may very well be quite esoteric. So, anyway, after taking so much time and slacking so hard, here goes:

"What's Up" Number One

Currently I'm not exactly sure what I am doing any more. There are so many projects I'm leaving to gather dust that it's definitely of concern for me. "FunDtail", "the Saint Sage Path", "FPLYCYD", the weekly schedule here, as well as just my backlog of topics I had been meaning to cover in the first place. And all of that's just on the create side of the table, the improve side is just as uncomforting. It sounds like the world I'm dancing around is overwhelming but in truth I don't know if I even feel any thing close to that right now.

What am I feeling? That has been on my mind for a bit of a while now. It's quite perculiar to say the least since I really have no idea how to even approach that topic. It's not quite numb but not quite depression either. I know it's not happiness because I still feel like a failure. A failure not content to end out in such a manner but a failure nonetheless. Perhaps overwhelmed is the absolute truth. Maybe that's exactly why I don't know what I'm feeling or even what TO feel.I'm really taking a lot here both mentally and even physically. What if I've just crossed my limit?

If this is my limit I'd think this truly was depressing. My legs are in quite a bit of pain. Open sores that seem to have spread across at least 60% of epidermis. Itching, stinging, just pain and being winter I get to enjoy the not so gentle chaffing of pant and flesh. Creams fail me since it's not fully scabbed over and the dry nature of this area just continue to crack damage what few surface areas unaffected. This sure sucks.Though that's it.

What else do I feel? What am I SUPPOSED to feel?