Entries in THT (69)


What I Should Have Sent

Origin Date:  19JAN17

Medium:  Email (Draft)


I wasn't expecting to be doing this. In fact if I was completely honest with myself, I thought I'd gotten to a point. No. Sorry. I thought that things had gotten to a point where maybe. No. Sorry once more. I mean to say, a point where things absolutely had gotten to a point far past the point of no return. I've failed at a lot of things in my life. Even more things after I left New York those four years ago. I want to make jokes. I want to say how it's "kinda funny" that its been five years since we spoke. Something, anything to break the awkward of writing this but it wouldn't help. I don't think anything would help. And even if there were anything as far as hope would be concerned; hope for what? What am I hoping for? I'm still depressed. Surprise. I still feel like a burden to everyone. Most especially the people I care for. Especially to you but here I am. Doing something I feel to the fiber of my being to be the worst thing I could do. But I feel like garbage and I'm all alone. Not that I haven't these past few years/decades but I can't shake the fact that when you were in my life, at least there was some semblance of light in the dark. I wanted so badly to see you smile. To see you happy because you brought me the joy of living. The desire to keep going. Because I could commiserate with you. Because I never felt like I had to be "on" with you. I could just be myself and you were willing to accept that. I'm so sorry. It's too little, too late but I really hope you can believe me when I say it was for you. At least that's what I've told myself all these years. It was all for you. I cut myself off from the bright parts of my life so as to not darken them any further. I didn't then and even now still regret that I'm at this point but I miss you so much. I truly do. At what feels like another end of another pitiful life I've come to lead, I feel so much more empty and am clinging to the only things. No. The only person I felt good about. I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember feeling like trash when I was with you. I remember the anger I felt after the birthday party at the cold winter night. I saw the ugly that was me. I wanted to be with you in a way you didn't. I resented the fact that there couldn't be more but at the same time I knew that feeling was misplaced. That's the essence of what made me realize I needed to leave. I had to go away from you. From all of you. My dearest friends. My family. No. The ones who meant more to me than family. I'm so messed up. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it'll help because I know now for sure that I'm more broken than I've ever been. I can string together words anymore. I can't see the future anymore. I really just feel like I'm anything else than anything I thought I was. Anything I ever wanted to be. I'm just in such a dark place and I think this is my reaching out. I miss you. And I always avoided ever being this honest with you. I felt scared. Scared that the only person I felt free with would reject me. I felt like a tool being used by everyone else for everything else but you were different. I miss the marina. I still listen to the CD. I still and will always feel like I left a piece of my heart with you. I'm just so sorry that I'm just so dumb. So, broken. Honestly, I've contemplated any number of different excuses over the years that I could attempt to contact you with. But here I am. At my highest low. A shell. I miss you. I loved what you were to me. To the me that could bring you any sort of happiness if there ever was such a me. I don't know that you could be anything to me now. Because even after writing all this. Even after every word, you'll never see this. I'll never send this in earnest. I want you to be well. I want to believe you're doing great things and found happiness and have someone who makes you feel great and see within you that bright glow of excellence you exude. You were perfection to me. Completely unattainable. I wanted to remark how at least there's one joke in this mess but I realize that at best you wouldn't get it and at worst you'd take it the wrong way. I've fallen so out of touch that I don't know anymore. This is my world of regret. Please be well. Please be at peace. You deserve happiness. I'll never stop believing that. Sorry, I couldn't even just end with the joke.


03MAR17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrected in Parentheses


Still can't seem to feel anything. Looking at the surrounding it takes such extremes to pursue thoughts the(that) can be connected with. Sad. Depressing. Dark. Murky. Nothing. Is this indifference? Is this the ID? The surface is deeper when left autonomous. So gen(then) perhaps it's all fake. Perhaps it's the turth that I've been broken away from for so long. I feel, nothing. Minor annoyance. What does the other exist for? How do we fix (it) if there is anything (t)hat such could even apply? Burn. Drown. Ghastly ways swirl as we sink. As I sink. Alone together alone. Still nothing for me. Diatribes from him. It? Show we the way.



Medium:  iPhone Notes


Need to find better hobbies. Need to find better ways to cope. Looking for a future by drowning in the past has harmed nothing but the ire of all who'd bare witness. We are not a thing that can exist. That should exist. Yet here we are. Here I am. An empty shell hosting two entities at war with reality. One that shuns the light of failure while the other basks in the dark ever fearful of open eyes. Such a shame. Such is the fool. Such is the role we play in this place. This wonderful sorrow.



Medium:  iPhone Notes





Source:  iPhone Notes

Would, could I vanish from this existenc without so much as a trace. To disappear from even the thoughts of those this pitiful existence has come to touch... were it possible, to venture past this place I reside for no less than everything for a peace of hell or oblivion in h Avenue so long as it meant escape from this endless limbo.



Source:  iPhone Notes

Find existence or die. Don't hope. Don't wish. Act. Move.



Source:  iPhone Notes

That which finds us timeless finds us also alone. Such deary paths in dreary days our soles rise and fall along when we've succumb to monotony. The endless unfathomable, remarkable in itself. The fear that drives passed reason to venture into that darkness of uncertainty, it is a light that can only be found once whole. The sparks of rejuvenation in thought and expression. The quest will ever be beyond reach to any without the will to fight but no one can fight a fate strung so tightly, encompassing the very ideal of true freedom. To find warmth in bonds of companionship, ever colder the outside becomes. All is well in the same but who could desire such mundane?



Source:  iPhone Notes

Find hope in the least. We are the last of the first set of expendable. Find ourselves lost in the hope. Find me lost in the deep wood. In the unfamiliar. In the end.



Source:  iPhone Notes

Go To Sleep Dear Friend



Source:  iPhone Notes

We find ourselves in sorry situations



Source:  iPhone Notes

We will fight or we will die. He is lost to me now but I continue on in his name. We will fight because he can do nothing else. I will fight as I fade to nothing in the shadow of his legacy.



Medium:  iPhone Notes

I find myself adrift in this tepid wasteland. Fear guides my actions in an art so fine, so subtle. I can't finish this as I couldn't those that preceded it. Whatever I currently am is a mere shadow of something so much less than glorious. But to be back there would be the greatest of achievements. A peace after a fight that'd never end.


Throwback:  27NOV14

Dated: November 27th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App


Find me death oh sweet savior. Find me and delivery from this misery that consumes. Where can I find peace if not within your dear embrace. Find me where I stand, where I've fallen. Take me to that place that no part of life can ever truly know. Show me a love I'll never know whilst I still take I breath.


Throwback:  26NOV14

Dated: November 26th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App


Hope, wherever am I to find you?


Throwback:  A-Continued

Dated: December 25th, 2013

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page


There are three words stuck in the pit of my throat. I want them gone, expunged from existence. Tiresome thoughts have found refuge in me. I can’t fathom escape from this night. I just want the peace of sleep. If I could just close my eyes and not be crushed by darkness, my existence would be blessed. If there is any favor I’d ask, it’d be respite from this, horrid place that has become me. It’s so cold here in the obsession. This is what that wrought. This sorrow is all by invite. I’m all used up. It’s so weird being here, so close yet so far away. I’m full on empty. I don’t know what drives this anymore. There’s nothing behind these eyes. There is little left to fathom. There is nothing left of worth in whatever I’ve fallen into. These steps before me are vast and endless. If there’s anything driving these legs forward, let it be merciful as I venture deeper into the abyss.


Throwback:  A

Dated: December 25th, 2012

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page


I watch the world before me and shiver. Its changed so much in such a short time. I don’t know if I belong. I don’t know if I ever did. And just like that, as if a dream has ended, I awake and it’s dark and cold. I’m alone and the world has lost color. Perhaps there never was any. Maybe this is true sight. I was blinded by what you were. I couldn’t have ever expected what was to come. It looks like my hear dawns yet another scar. I wasn’t sure there was even room to spare. I think I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. Everything feels wrong. There are no good words left in me. For so long it seems like I was so far away. Where do I go from here when nothing feels familiar?



Throwback: America Castenada

Dated: January 4th, 2013

Medium: MSWord/Tumblr, Blank Page


You were something better, 6

And I am just the worst. 6

I gave everything I had, 7

But now I'm in this hearse. 6

I "wasn't good enough" 6

Is all anyone'll say. 7

And, I'll just keep quiet, 6

 So that's how that will stay. 6

 I wanted it so bad, 6

Just to be your man. 5

I dreamt of winter walks, 6

The two of us holding hands. 7

But it wasn't in the cards, 7

An ideal that couldn't be. 8

Somewhere so wonderful, 6

Is just no place for me. 6

I shouldn't be surprised. 6

I've always known my place. 6

The cold, hard truth, 4

I knew I'd have to face. 6

But if only for a moment, 8

I think, maybe it hope? 6

And now it's simply gone, 6

Leaving little for me to cope. 8

But it'll be okay. 6

This isn't first or last. 6

I can only get stronger, 7

Better armor, experiences cast. 10

Cause I've grown to know the dark, 7

Held sorrow with these hands. 6

It's the only path for me, 7

Forever Empty Lamb. 6


Throwback: His Life, As I Live It

Dated: January 14th, 2013

Medium: MSWord, Blank Page


When I step outside I occasionally catch the scent on the breeze. I reek of her. No surprise. She’s very touchy-feely. I don’t hate the attention, just the circumstances. Any normal man is how I’d like to start this next bit but just what is normal really? I’m certainly not. That much is for certain. But this isn’t about me. Not so much in the most direct of senses. This is about her. This is about him. This is about the inbetween and all that’s left trapped within it. The hugs, the hand-holding, the dancing, the talk; I hate it all. She’s beautiful. She’s too good. She’s unique. She’s special. She’s married. And that’s where it all hits the bricks. Where was all this when she was still available. Where was all this when it could’ve actual made a difference. I won’t end with question marks because I already know the answers. I know what this is, or at least have convinced myself of nothing less.


Throwback Thursdays: Phone Notes

Dated:  October 4th, 2013

Medium:  Cellphone Notepad

So ends this life and my desire to live it. I've grown, despising of humanity, finally to find nothing of substance left within me.



Throwback Thursdays #10: Drink Beer, Get High, Drink Beer Till the Day I Die

The desire to fight welling up within me I find that a normal life can no longer be attained. Humanity lost I can be no more than a vagrant taken place to place never capable of finding my true home. All is one in this rage that consumes men. I can only hope to attain freedom in death. Were such a creature I've come to form be any more capable of such a life as a Phoenix constant in it's rebirth --------------- Dated: 12JUN11