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Entries in THT (68)

Thursday
Jan112018

03MAR17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrected in Parentheses

Content:

Still can't seem to feel anything. Looking at the surrounding it takes such extremes to pursue thoughts the(that) can be connected with. Sad. Depressing. Dark. Murky. Nothing. Is this indifference? Is this the ID? The surface is deeper when left autonomous. So gen(then) perhaps it's all fake. Perhaps it's the turth that I've been broken away from for so long. I feel, nothing. Minor annoyance. What does the other exist for? How do we fix (it) if there is anything (t)hat such could even apply? Burn. Drown. Ghastly ways swirl as we sink. As I sink. Alone together alone. Still nothing for me. Diatribes from him. It? Show we the way.

Thursday
Jan042018

03MAR17

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Need to find better hobbies. Need to find better ways to cope. Looking for a future by drowning in the past has harmed nothing but the ire of all who'd bare witness. We are not a thing that can exist. That should exist. Yet here we are. Here I am. An empty shell hosting two entities at war with reality. One that shuns the light of failure while the other basks in the dark ever fearful of open eyes. Such a shame. Such is the fool. Such is the role we play in this place. This wonderful sorrow.

Thursday
Dec282017

21MAY14

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

You SUCK!

Thursday
Jun292017

14NOV15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Would, could I vanish from this existenc without so much as a trace. To disappear from even the thoughts of those this pitiful existence has come to touch... were it possible, to venture past this place I reside for no less than everything for a peace of hell or oblivion in h Avenue so long as it meant escape from this endless limbo.

Thursday
Jun222017

11NOV15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Find existence or die. Don't hope. Don't wish. Act. Move.

Thursday
Jun152017

03MAY15

Source:  iPhone Notes

That which finds us timeless finds us also alone. Such deary paths in dreary days our soles rise and fall along when we've succumb to monotony. The endless unfathomable, remarkable in itself. The fear that drives passed reason to venture into that darkness of uncertainty, it is a light that can only be found once whole. The sparks of rejuvenation in thought and expression. The quest will ever be beyond reach to any without the will to fight but no one can fight a fate strung so tightly, encompassing the very ideal of true freedom. To find warmth in bonds of companionship, ever colder the outside becomes. All is well in the same but who could desire such mundane?

Thursday
Jun082017

27FEB15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Find hope in the least. We are the last of the first set of expendable. Find ourselves lost in the hope. Find me lost in the deep wood. In the unfamiliar. In the end.

Thursday
Jun012017

17JAN15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Go To Sleep Dear Friend

Thursday
May252017

13FEB15

Source:  iPhone Notes

We find ourselves in sorry situations

Thursday
May182017

29NOV14

Source:  iPhone Notes

We will fight or we will die. He is lost to me now but I continue on in his name. We will fight because he can do nothing else. I will fight as I fade to nothing in the shadow of his legacy.

Thursday
May112017

28NOV14

Medium:  iPhone Notes

I find myself adrift in this tepid wasteland. Fear guides my actions in an art so fine, so subtle. I can't finish this as I couldn't those that preceded it. Whatever I currently am is a mere shadow of something so much less than glorious. But to be back there would be the greatest of achievements. A peace after a fight that'd never end.

Thursday
Apr272017

Throwback:  27NOV14

Dated: November 27th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App

Content:

Find me death oh sweet savior. Find me and delivery from this misery that consumes. Where can I find peace if not within your dear embrace. Find me where I stand, where I've fallen. Take me to that place that no part of life can ever truly know. Show me a love I'll never know whilst I still take I breath.

Thursday
Apr202017

Throwback:  26NOV14

Dated: November 26th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App

Content:

Hope, wherever am I to find you?

Thursday
Apr132017

Throwback:  A-Continued

Dated: December 25th, 2013

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page

Content:

There are three words stuck in the pit of my throat. I want them gone, expunged from existence. Tiresome thoughts have found refuge in me. I can’t fathom escape from this night. I just want the peace of sleep. If I could just close my eyes and not be crushed by darkness, my existence would be blessed. If there is any favor I’d ask, it’d be respite from this, horrid place that has become me. It’s so cold here in the obsession. This is what that wrought. This sorrow is all by invite. I’m all used up. It’s so weird being here, so close yet so far away. I’m full on empty. I don’t know what drives this anymore. There’s nothing behind these eyes. There is little left to fathom. There is nothing left of worth in whatever I’ve fallen into. These steps before me are vast and endless. If there’s anything driving these legs forward, let it be merciful as I venture deeper into the abyss.

Thursday
Apr062017

Throwback:  A

Dated: December 25th, 2012

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page

Content:

I watch the world before me and shiver. Its changed so much in such a short time. I don’t know if I belong. I don’t know if I ever did. And just like that, as if a dream has ended, I awake and it’s dark and cold. I’m alone and the world has lost color. Perhaps there never was any. Maybe this is true sight. I was blinded by what you were. I couldn’t have ever expected what was to come. It looks like my hear dawns yet another scar. I wasn’t sure there was even room to spare. I think I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. Everything feels wrong. There are no good words left in me. For so long it seems like I was so far away. Where do I go from here when nothing feels familiar?

 

Thursday
Mar302017

Throwback: America Castenada

Dated: January 4th, 2013

Medium: MSWord/Tumblr, Blank Page

Content:

You were something better, 6

And I am just the worst. 6

I gave everything I had, 7

But now I'm in this hearse. 6

I "wasn't good enough" 6

Is all anyone'll say. 7

And, I'll just keep quiet, 6

 So that's how that will stay. 6

 I wanted it so bad, 6

Just to be your man. 5

I dreamt of winter walks, 6

The two of us holding hands. 7

But it wasn't in the cards, 7

An ideal that couldn't be. 8

Somewhere so wonderful, 6

Is just no place for me. 6

I shouldn't be surprised. 6

I've always known my place. 6

The cold, hard truth, 4

I knew I'd have to face. 6

But if only for a moment, 8

I think, maybe it hope? 6

And now it's simply gone, 6

Leaving little for me to cope. 8

But it'll be okay. 6

This isn't first or last. 6

I can only get stronger, 7

Better armor, experiences cast. 10

Cause I've grown to know the dark, 7

Held sorrow with these hands. 6

It's the only path for me, 7

Forever Empty Lamb. 6

Thursday
Mar232017

Throwback: His Life, As I Live It

Dated: January 14th, 2013

Medium: MSWord, Blank Page

Content:

When I step outside I occasionally catch the scent on the breeze. I reek of her. No surprise. She’s very touchy-feely. I don’t hate the attention, just the circumstances. Any normal man is how I’d like to start this next bit but just what is normal really? I’m certainly not. That much is for certain. But this isn’t about me. Not so much in the most direct of senses. This is about her. This is about him. This is about the inbetween and all that’s left trapped within it. The hugs, the hand-holding, the dancing, the talk; I hate it all. She’s beautiful. She’s too good. She’s unique. She’s special. She’s married. And that’s where it all hits the bricks. Where was all this when she was still available. Where was all this when it could’ve actual made a difference. I won’t end with question marks because I already know the answers. I know what this is, or at least have convinced myself of nothing less.

Thursday
Dec222016

Throwback Thursdays: Phone Notes

Dated:  October 4th, 2013

Medium:  Cellphone Notepad

So ends this life and my desire to live it. I've grown, despising of humanity, finally to find nothing of substance left within me.

 

Thursday
Jul182013

Throwback Thursdays #10: Drink Beer, Get High, Drink Beer Till the Day I Die

The desire to fight welling up within me I find that a normal life can no longer be attained. Humanity lost I can be no more than a vagrant taken place to place never capable of finding my true home. All is one in this rage that consumes men. I can only hope to attain freedom in death. Were such a creature I've come to form be any more capable of such a life as a Phoenix constant in it's rebirth --------------- Dated: 12JUN11
Thursday
Jul112013

Throwback Thursdays #9: Dated 30MAY11 (26AUG12e)

I do so adore the touch of a fine pen to paper. The ink's subtle strokes, the way the void is filled. There is sound, weight, placed where once there was simply abyss. A glory that breaks down the walls absconding innovation. To be free of such a horrid state which subjection to stifled existences, merely following predetermined paths on rudimentary paths of predictable occurrences, is at hand. Desires at one's fingertips; there are no lies in the strikes. There is pain, love, hate, emotion in its purest, untarnished state. Beautiful, so undeniable yet indistinguishable from the chaotic filth that holds us all down. There is something more, a fragment of the very essence of life perhaps? I do so adore the supple caress of the empty as filled by life force made tangible by fluid on metal and wood.