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Entries in THT (59)

Thursday
Mar292018

03JUNE17 III

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Corrections in Brackets

Content:

His name was ML. It was until his death that the true birth of Morribb Lehrer would come about. But it wouldn't be until the next death that Mael Lehrer would awaken. Perpetually trapped in limbo. That was the life of the lost black sheep. The pain and suffering were the only friends he couldn't rid himself of. The darkness drew him in and to divvy out what little substance was left of himself was all he had. To cry and scream and bleed; to surrender it all to the page was the best he could do to expunge it from his insides. He stopped wanting to feel. He stopped wanting to be a hero. He stopped moving forward and that meant insanity for certain. He was alone but shackled to the broken system that propagated the world before him. It was the most special kind of Hell. He just wanted to be safe. But he lost sight of himself and before he knew it the years had piled on. He had gotten old and his life had evaporated. There was nothing but barren s[urr]ounding his very being. His soul. It took entirely too long but it had to happen eventually. He would do what was necessary. He would say goodbye.

Thursday
Mar222018

03JUNE17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Find me alone in the crowd. Find me looking for hope in all the worst places. I'm far from a home I've never known, along a path with an end beyond conception. At some point I'll look back and find myself stuck again. Forward seems so far away.

Thursday
Mar152018

03JUNE17

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Why don't I feel anything? Is this the role or is it me? What am I doing here other than wallowing in my own pit of, of, what is this? I don't know what I feel right now. It's not depression. It should be but it doesn't feel heavy. Where are the feelings. Why can't I find them? She said I was passionate but then why am I having so much trouble trying to find the part of myself that is worth genuine connection? Need to stop the manipulator. Or is that all I am now? Am I so lost that I'll never be able to be free? Who am I even asking these things right now? I know my place now. That's what I feel. Finally I feel something. Embarrassment and shame. There's the place I exist within. I played the game and lost. The world owes me nothing but will take everything I have and more. Burn it all. Get rid of every last bit. Guardian is all I'm allowed to be anymore. It's the only thing this pain is good for. Stop retreating. I am acting like a child. I've been spurned once more. Even money isn't enough to bypass my social ineptitude. But I knew this already. I need to stop turning away. Embrace this feeling. Let it hurt. Let it cut deep and let it all bleed out. Free the pain and be freed by it. Have to hold on. Feel it fading already. I want it. I want something. Anything. But I've tired of this game. Hurt me, wound me, break me, but unless your final answer is death STOP WASTING MY TIME. I wonder what my voice sounds like now. I wonder what I am after all this. Have I changed at all, I suppose I'll find out somewhen else. Call me something else. Let me be anything else. Or will pain eventually bring me to the truth. Saint Sage Guardian or Deadlamb Wonderland. I can be anything but me. Anything but free.

Thursday
Mar082018

02JUNE17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Bored now. Strip clubs probably aren't the best place to practice social norms. Trying to figure out what I want is difficult while pretending to care. Have to suppress the manipulator. Right? This is too difficult. And I hate smoke. I feel like I don't belong again. Here's to the home of my dreams. May I find my way to you some day.

Thursday
Mar012018

02JUN17

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Some good, some bad. I find myself in the same place I've always been. The dark. The murky. I am not "I" but just an "it." A denizen of the murky. Not quite where I belong but far too tainted to be allowed the grace of the light. I am just anger and pain now. And lies. I'm something far worse. I don't even have the conviction to give into the few emotions I feel left. This is the danger. The joke. The last time I can use such before it becomes a crutch. I've forgotten how people do it. I've forgotten how to be one of them. To suffer their intrusion on my existence. Am I supposed to feel something now? Am I supposed to know what I know and pretend, anything else? The dark feels like a suit. A nice shade to hide within. Is this the first level of hell or am I already swallowed whole? I forgot why I started this in the first place. For even the ash to burn. I can't have anything left or I'll be doomed to repeat this misery forever. All or nothing if I'm to ever be free.

I'm just so good at being alone. Especially when I want anything but.

Thursday
Feb222018

04MAR17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrections in Brackets

Content:

Watch me as I continue to slide down this path of destruction. So distraught in such a cold dark but what else is there for those that have rejected humanity? To be something greater or simply out of fear of being so much less. Dead men tell no tales so I suppose I must still be alive. Somewhere or something inside me. I'm not supposed to be here. I'm just afraid. I don't want to be here. There's nothing truer. I just don't want to be here. This was his world. It'll never be mine. Not this time, not any time, not ever. I have not the necessities to make a place for myself. That was never my function. The trek awaits. So I continue.

Thursday
Feb152018

Sky Williams 28MAY17

Medium:  iPhone Notes/Tweet

Context:  Corrections in Brackets

Content:

1 video a week or 1000 videos a week don't mean anything to the craft. Artists/creators tap into something beyond mere logic to spawn something from essentially nothing. It's like gathering heat from a flame except in this case there's no telling when that source will extinguish. Better or worse is inconsequential as this is a matter of things left unsaid, avenues left untried. So ask yourself, is what you do about what others perceive (to include your own perception) or about the message?

Thursday
Feb082018

04MAR17

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrections in Parentheses

Content:

I forgot my name. I forgot my voice. I forgot how little I stop(p)ed caring. It was nice.

Thursday
Feb012018

03MAR17 IV

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrections in Parentheses

Content:

Are we going to break the last vestige of this human shell? Awake the daemon. To accept death or sacrifice all that's left in the hope that there's enough left to revive. Been waiting so long, too long. A decision? Decide or die for real. It's not about what they want this time. It's not about what "you" want either. It's about; it's about time to find out what it's even about. Nothing more till then. After, will be after.

Thursday
Jan252018

03MAR17 III

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrections in Parentheses

Content:

I don't remember what year it is. Just that it's soon to not be today any longer. Tomorrow will be here and I'll have not moved. I'm still not moving. I'm still here as everything changes, vanishes, fades away. Where am I supposed to be? Supposed to go? When will I finally wake up and actively engage in this life the body floats through? The masses it interacts with? Perhaps that's the point of this place. The taste is what's left. The sight, touch, and smell were first. Never to grow up right, call me the third/forth. My name is Left.

Thursday
Jan182018

What I Should Have Sent

Origin Date:  19JAN17

Medium:  Email (Draft)

Content:

I wasn't expecting to be doing this. In fact if I was completely honest with myself, I thought I'd gotten to a point. No. Sorry. I thought that things had gotten to a point where maybe. No. Sorry once more. I mean to say, a point where things absolutely had gotten to a point far past the point of no return. I've failed at a lot of things in my life. Even more things after I left New York those four years ago. I want to make jokes. I want to say how it's "kinda funny" that its been five years since we spoke. Something, anything to break the awkward of writing this but it wouldn't help. I don't think anything would help. And even if there were anything as far as hope would be concerned; hope for what? What am I hoping for? I'm still depressed. Surprise. I still feel like a burden to everyone. Most especially the people I care for. Especially to you but here I am. Doing something I feel to the fiber of my being to be the worst thing I could do. But I feel like garbage and I'm all alone. Not that I haven't these past few years/decades but I can't shake the fact that when you were in my life, at least there was some semblance of light in the dark. I wanted so badly to see you smile. To see you happy because you brought me the joy of living. The desire to keep going. Because I could commiserate with you. Because I never felt like I had to be "on" with you. I could just be myself and you were willing to accept that. I'm so sorry. It's too little, too late but I really hope you can believe me when I say it was for you. At least that's what I've told myself all these years. It was all for you. I cut myself off from the bright parts of my life so as to not darken them any further. I didn't then and even now still regret that I'm at this point but I miss you so much. I truly do. At what feels like another end of another pitiful life I've come to lead, I feel so much more empty and am clinging to the only things. No. The only person I felt good about. I remember the good. I remember the bad. I remember feeling like trash when I was with you. I remember the anger I felt after the birthday party at the cold winter night. I saw the ugly that was me. I wanted to be with you in a way you didn't. I resented the fact that there couldn't be more but at the same time I knew that feeling was misplaced. That's the essence of what made me realize I needed to leave. I had to go away from you. From all of you. My dearest friends. My family. No. The ones who meant more to me than family. I'm so messed up. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it'll help because I know now for sure that I'm more broken than I've ever been. I can string together words anymore. I can't see the future anymore. I really just feel like I'm anything else than anything I thought I was. Anything I ever wanted to be. I'm just in such a dark place and I think this is my reaching out. I miss you. And I always avoided ever being this honest with you. I felt scared. Scared that the only person I felt free with would reject me. I felt like a tool being used by everyone else for everything else but you were different. I miss the marina. I still listen to the CD. I still and will always feel like I left a piece of my heart with you. I'm just so sorry that I'm just so dumb. So, broken. Honestly, I've contemplated any number of different excuses over the years that I could attempt to contact you with. But here I am. At my highest low. A shell. I miss you. I loved what you were to me. To the me that could bring you any sort of happiness if there ever was such a me. I don't know that you could be anything to me now. Because even after writing all this. Even after every word, you'll never see this. I'll never send this in earnest. I want you to be well. I want to believe you're doing great things and found happiness and have someone who makes you feel great and see within you that bright glow of excellence you exude. You were perfection to me. Completely unattainable. I wanted to remark how at least there's one joke in this mess but I realize that at best you wouldn't get it and at worst you'd take it the wrong way. I've fallen so out of touch that I don't know anymore. This is my world of regret. Please be well. Please be at peace. You deserve happiness. I'll never stop believing that. Sorry, I couldn't even just end with the joke.

Thursday
Jan112018

03MAR17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrected in Parentheses

Content:

Still can't seem to feel anything. Looking at the surrounding it takes such extremes to pursue thoughts the(that) can be connected with. Sad. Depressing. Dark. Murky. Nothing. Is this indifference? Is this the ID? The surface is deeper when left autonomous. So gen(then) perhaps it's all fake. Perhaps it's the turth that I've been broken away from for so long. I feel, nothing. Minor annoyance. What does the other exist for? How do we fix (it) if there is anything (t)hat such could even apply? Burn. Drown. Ghastly ways swirl as we sink. As I sink. Alone together alone. Still nothing for me. Diatribes from him. It? Show we the way.

Thursday
Jan042018

03MAR17

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Need to find better hobbies. Need to find better ways to cope. Looking for a future by drowning in the past has harmed nothing but the ire of all who'd bare witness. We are not a thing that can exist. That should exist. Yet here we are. Here I am. An empty shell hosting two entities at war with reality. One that shuns the light of failure while the other basks in the dark ever fearful of open eyes. Such a shame. Such is the fool. Such is the role we play in this place. This wonderful sorrow.

Thursday
Dec282017

21MAY14

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

You SUCK!

Thursday
Jun292017

14NOV15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Would, could I vanish from this existenc without so much as a trace. To disappear from even the thoughts of those this pitiful existence has come to touch... were it possible, to venture past this place I reside for no less than everything for a peace of hell or oblivion in h Avenue so long as it meant escape from this endless limbo.

Thursday
Jun222017

11NOV15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Find existence or die. Don't hope. Don't wish. Act. Move.

Thursday
Jun152017

03MAY15

Source:  iPhone Notes

That which finds us timeless finds us also alone. Such deary paths in dreary days our soles rise and fall along when we've succumb to monotony. The endless unfathomable, remarkable in itself. The fear that drives passed reason to venture into that darkness of uncertainty, it is a light that can only be found once whole. The sparks of rejuvenation in thought and expression. The quest will ever be beyond reach to any without the will to fight but no one can fight a fate strung so tightly, encompassing the very ideal of true freedom. To find warmth in bonds of companionship, ever colder the outside becomes. All is well in the same but who could desire such mundane?

Thursday
Jun082017

27FEB15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Find hope in the least. We are the last of the first set of expendable. Find ourselves lost in the hope. Find me lost in the deep wood. In the unfamiliar. In the end.

Thursday
Jun012017

17JAN15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Go To Sleep Dear Friend

Thursday
May252017

13FEB15

Source:  iPhone Notes

We find ourselves in sorry situations