Fool Me

For 15 years or so I've been suffering from depression. It wouldn't be until the last five to seven years that I'd truly experience the abyss. I've been in a constant state of pain, ever suffering, hoping that one day it'd all be worth it. The way my mind works; constantly, aggressively attempting to impose order on everything, in all aspects, to increase functionality, to improve, all to progress forward. It is now that I find myself at a crossroad because of such a trait. Inescapable, I find that the last decision of my life must be made. There is no moving on until a choice is made. A choice that shakes me to the core.

As a child I idealized heroics and drew nothing but favor toward the black and white fantasy. Right and wrong. Just or immoral. Light and dark. Order and chaos. These were the concerns of my youth. It would shape my formation of an honor code which would later escalate to a council of individuals with similar moralistic integrity and finally an alter-ego or perhaps better yet a persona to take refuge in as what was once me became prey to the surrounding darkness and sorrow.

Blessed with the "sight" and an intellectual by nature, machinations and manipulations became common place. An intangible moral barrier was all that could contain such a vastly unique perception. But then he died. And with him, the proficiency to wield such an ability. In his place a hole was left with mechanism after mechanism springing forward to patch it. Me, the other, a being of such fallout. Bordering on sociopath, obsessed and jealous, I clung to his ideals but constantly fell short. Regrets and failures like blinders overshadowed all possible accomplishments.

'What is the point in continuing on?' was the question I fought hard never to ask. The answer, I fought so hard to never unveil. You see there were two paths, to embrace psychosis or to throw it all away. The driving force this whole time was the ideal set forth by a youth. The belief that only one so morally sound and just could defend the world from the greatest of evils. To succeed in some grand end-all battle that would decide the fate of existence. A delusion. A meaning so much greater than one's self it rejuvenates, motivates, escalates, and conjuring all adversities as necessity. Still, a delusion. But, what of the alternative? To have nothing? No reason to continue? To scramble rabidly in search of anything worth holding onto in the hopes that not only such could be found but that it dare be so in enough haste to subdue the already pressing desires for eternal rest? The paths were laid bare before me.

I'm in pain. I'm hurting and see no light of hope or chance. A choice had to be made. I will drink in the sorrow, be damned, and suffer absolute for the ideal. The delusion. I choose this hellish existence all for the slim possibility that fated end prophecised in youth be not error. No more luxuries. I bite down, grit my teeth, and bare it all. Sacrifice, loss, pain, sorrow, isolation, darkness.

The path is arduous and nothing is assured. Though it is not a man that can stand atop at the end and hope to survive. One need be more. The first leg of this new journey is to surpass. To forsake humanity, to strive for something else. Greater. Worse. Saint or perhaps Daemon. There may very well be no peace as reward but as reality continues to warp around me or as my mind eats away at itself, only such an endeavor could contain what's necessary to make living on even feasible.



Hearing:  I Felt Free by Circa Survive


Ever Annoying, Unfettered Idiocy: Chapter One:  Transgender

Well now, this is going to be a new segment if you will on this site. This is going to be reserved for all the thing I experience that make me want to drink more, kill a couple hundred million brain cells, so that maybe I can find that bliss that comes ever so apparently in ignorance.

Keep in mind, "spirited" opinions on the world as a whole are far from new here but I'm a creature of immense order, or at least the desire to find such, so this really is just to help shake loose some clutter that'd otherwise be known as random.


Standard definition

of, relating to, or being a person (as a transsexual or transvestite) who identifies with or expresses a gender identity that differs from the one which corresponds to the person's sex at birth (I)

Now, I bring this up now because I came across a female described herself as such. So proud was she about that fact to that it was written all over her profile page. And I do mean ALL over it. I'd link it were it not of such a personal nature so do bare with me. She was stoked by the distinction she drew between herself and others. She even went on to describe what about her personality made the classification such a solid representation. Needless to say I found myself perplexed at what was either sheer stupidity or a reality I'm become so out of touch with that I no longer realized such a mentality could very well be considered legion.

I'm older than I must be aware if this is what the youth has come to. She was I believe 20 years of age by the way. What stood out to me the most was how ridiculous such a struggle is. Transgender in her eyes stood as a symbol of her rebellion against societal norms of what makes a male or female. To be honest I don't find an issue with that. Stereotypes are just that, stereotypes. But the need to adamantly classify yourself as outside such constraints just to show that you're outside of such categorization seems utterly ludicrous. Whatever happened to just being one's self and treating that oh so outdated system of needing a name for everything as merely dust in the wind?

I'm male. I know this because when I go to the bathroom to piss it comes out of a penis. Do some of the actions I take push the boundaries of what it means to be male? Sure. I don't treat women like sh*t and do whatever I can (in terms of lying, cheating, etc.) just to get laid to name a few extreme examples of what it apparently means to be a male. But does this mean I'm not male? Not in my book. I mean if John "Black Guy" Johnson wakes up in the mirror and notices the same "tan" that never washes off to still be present should he look in the mirror and say 'I'm 100% Chinese' because that's what his mannerisms dictate would that be "okay" as well? Sadly, I'm sure there's a large number of people out there that'd say yes. I'd just include them in the idiots majority however.

I get it. The whole debate versus "sex" and "gender." I don't get the need. We're constantly moving towards a world of equality still (in the United States at least) so what need is there for such a term to exist when people are, just as they've always been, themselves. I just don't see how terms that dissect and bisect gender can have a place in a truly equal world. Won't that world contain people treated the same regardless of their sex making any action taken by either class just an action taken by a person as opposed to a singular class?

I guess the question on my mind is why not look to the future and its unlimited potential as opposed to swaying in the present with all its limitations. I am what I am. No matter how that changes as time moves forward, no matter what classification is bestowed upon these shoulders, I will move to my drum so, why can't you as well?


Hearing:  Sail by Awolnation


"My Black Friend, Token"

Is it just me who sees this?

Lately I've been finding the time to finally catch up on some TV I've fallen behind on. I've been out  and about so to speak so I've missed quite a bit. Anyway, just something I noticed was that the "token black person" in every TV show or movie really reminds me that Blacks are a minority in this country.

Having moved around a couple states I can't say I've really ever come to terms with it so blatantly. The ratios have never seemed so skewed in real life although that may just be because it's hard to see the bigger picture while you're living it.

Iunno, no real significance. Just something I noticed.



No Ordinary Family




"I Can Be As Cruel As You"

I won't lie toyou. Right now, and for the last couple of weeks, I've been finding it quite difficult to get through the day without wanting to die. I've gone the majority of my life, at this point, as a depression sufferer and due to constant situations or crisis I've been unable to get the help I've needed. Right now, just like so many other days, the sun begins to fall over the horizon and all I can think about it how much I hate myself. How I don't see why I even bother living on. I'm just faking my way through emotionsI'm not sure I even remember how to feel. There's noone. Never was then and never has been since.

I'm just so empty.



There's nothing in this world that can



I'm back. Been through quite a bit but at the end of the day it just seems like there's still work for me to do. In all honesty I wasn't sure I should even try again but, here I am, so, here we go again.

Still empty...


Unlimited Bullets

"The rounds eject quickly and the barrel burns to the touch but there can never be a pain as lasting as the one the continues to haunt me."


Haven Meeting

So it just hit me, if reincarnation exists why not aim to come back as the second coming of Christ?


Rising Sun's Haste

Consider this an addendum to subtlety.

Having more and more trouble lately. Looking in the mirror I don't recognize myself. Not sure if this is normal or not. On good days I have trouble recognizing my own voice and the bad days...well.... If this were some terribly dream, some sick joke even, maybe, please?

I will soon cease to exist. I just hope there'll be a little of me left after it all comes to pass. If only a small fragment of this consciousness left afloat in the ether.

Why can't I see it...



So, I'm dying.

It kind of sucks and having not told anyone makes it all the worse. I miss the good days. Only a few weeks left. Maybe there'll be a place for me on the other side.



One charming evening a couple days ago I found myself on a particular website. I'm not ashamed to admit the site in question was one that proliferates pornographic material but what I found there did quite the number on my perceptions of the world itself.

Human beings are capable us supreme gestures of good and evil. It's a blanket statement that tends to become part of one's core understanding early on. (If you pay enough attention to history in grade school anyway) That being said, such was never really a subject of debate. I've seen images of war-torn countries, effects of man made toxins and plagues, murder and acts of depravity. It's, in a way, old hat. Perhaps due to desensitization or what have you, I've just come to accept such moral and ethical shortcomings as commonplace. That brings me to the "porno" that made me emotionally sick.

The video starred an erotic entertainer oh far less than a moderate number of films. It started off with somewhat of a cold open; the cameraman asking her some question about herself. It all seemed very forgettable type things until the woman in question disclosed an odd bit of information to her "producer" (we'll say). She told him about how at the age of NINE she was raped/sodomized by her step father. How it occurred for a number of years and how she developed a habit of calling the men she slept with "daddy". Needless to say, I felt sick. I felt discussed and ashamed. Especially with how during the tale, the cameraman directed her to assume provocative positions informer her that she would now be engaged in a threesome with "two daddies". My stomach churned to the unbelievable circumstances I was witness to. Were it all an act I could understand but, the inflection on this erotica star appeared quite sincere. So, how? How could this filming continue after that? I couldn't understand how in such a day and age someone could feel so little.

Watching that film was like peering into the darkness itself. Like an abyss but instead of staring back I could only perceive the cold void trying to swallow me whole. I stopped seeing that woman as an object of gratification and hoped dearly that they would either be some way for me to help her or that some one could help her. She was just a child, and to be taken advantage of in that way by someone who's supposed to be protecting you...I'm filled with such rage at the thought.

Such a world we live in, with such people in it, indeed.


So... Don't ask? 

I'm admittedly not well versed in the affairs of the United States armed forces. I won't begin to start down the complicated path of spokesman but I'll be darned, how can I avoid this little tidbit that's saturated the news of late?

SO let me get this out right now. I'm not a proponent of repealing "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Altering it sure, but downright removal seems a bit premature when considering the plethora of other issues that deserve such attention. The nature of rape in the armed forces. Funding and care for returning soldiers, veterans. Redefining instruction so that "youtube" videos of soldiers wasting ammunition to blow things up and "tweets" about their location don't flood the net for ally and enemy to see alike. Before jumping straight to labeling me "homophobic", I just want to try and explain how somewhere down the line, DADT may be worth all this drama but for right now, there are  for more important things than shaking up the military structure especially while we're still in the middle of a war. And quite frankly, if the only thing stopping someone from enlisting was the fact that they would have to hide their sexuality then perhaps they don't belong there anyway.

I state such a truth because really, when did putting one's country before one's life mean said life sans being open about their sexuality? Enlisting is about sacrifice. One's time, devotion, freedoms, and in ultimate cases, their lives in effort to protect that which they love and hold dear. So, where does one's sexuality come into play in that duty? Not just for homosexuals but heterosexuals as well. Is being discharged based on one's preference extreme? Of course it is. But is opening the door and telling the majority to just "deal with it" any better? I mean heck if that's the case then it runs back toward more significant issues that should be addressed. Issues like the in a country who's native language is English American), one doesn't have to actually be able to speak it to be a citizen. When are we--who've taken the time to learn and be proficient in the language--going to stop accommodating those who don't seem to even be trying to adapt and tell them to just "deal with it"? This doesn't make any sense to me and it's not as though I haven't browsed news sites, reading articles, and rolling through comments pages.

 I stand here having listening to arguments from both sides but find the one big question that I don't see anyone asking being, "how does it help?" Joining the armed forces has never been described to me as similar to summer camp. I've grown up being told enlistment is putting one's life on hold. Though there is a lot to gain from the service there is so much that must also be sacrificed. So why is there this sudden drive to accommodate people's sexualities? And where does it end? If the next minority of people happen to be those who find themselves romantically attracted to young children, then are they going to get a say as well? Homosexuals state they can't help how they feel and can't change who they fall in love with but then again a number of pedophiles have said the same thing. Especially in a society where our youths are gaining greater and more vast amounts of knowledge than our elders. Where does a future lie in making sexuality an open door when the focus use to simply be having the desire to defend one's country and way of life?

I still for the life of me can't comprehend how it helps? How does knowing one's sexuality, homo or hetero, help someone in combat? How does it help someone at work? How does it help when you're tasked with turning civilians into warriors? Someone, anyone, just let me know how completely removing the policy does anything more than spare a couple of people's feelings, open the door to lawsuits over "hate speech" and increases in accusations of molestation or rape

Someone, anyone, just give me an answer.


"...death is f*cking calling me..."

We fight these endless battles with nought but the desire to survive. Life seems so lost on those of our kind. We can no longer feel anything as our bodies submerge in pain and suffering. Nothing is real anymore. There is only destruction to be wrought...



We are such simple creatures and I wonder if that isn't how we're supposed to be. The sadness is all encompassing now and it's no longer the bother it used to be. Perhaps the cold oblivion that waits is something more of a pleasure for the likes of the distraught. Save...me,...


Listening to:  Everything Will Be Alright by The Killers


Warden, Warden

So I'm listening to the radio...don't ask, and a song comes on (no surprise right?). Any way, so I'm enjoying it. It's not a bad song. Pretty pop-ish but not bad. And then as I hear the name of the artist, my jaw drops.

Alicia Keys. All I can say is is wow. When did she sell out? Don't get me wrong, still enjoyed the song but, wow. Just wow.

Sidenote:  I'll add a link to the actually song once I can remember/find it.


Listening to:  Taiyou wa Yoru mo Kagayaku by Wino


Nothing Seems To Kill Me

War." ...WAR! What is it good for? Aboslutely..." if you say nothing I'll pop you one. That's the general thought that comes to mind when I hear that ever popular phrase being uttered. There are so many people in my country that are so quick to fall in to the craze of war being EVIL and how we should all just give PEACE a chance. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for peace and I've heard all the rationale in the world including but not limited to the big one about life without it would make peace so much less...meaningful.

The next you hear that song being sung or the strings of anti war being pulled on the basis that such scrimmages don't accomplish anything, I'd like to implore you to think about the Civil War, American Revolution, the World Wars, and any other wars that have been fought to preserve the rights of the oppressed. There is more to the world than many would like to ever admit. There is meaning in spades in what ever may occur in our history. Try to remember that is all I ask.


Listening to:  I Hate Christmas in LA by Ethan Newberry


DVR 2.0

I guess I'm what one would call an idea man. Don't get me wrong, I love the action every now and again but just... well I usually find my wall in acquiring the necessary resources. Whether it be the funds or something as simple as bodies (people willing to take part), there always seem to be some hold up or another. Given the circumstances I've decided to dispense with the hording of many of these thoughts and put them out into the ether. You see, it was never about being known for them but merely giving them life. Whether they're my babies or someone else's, I just can't wait for the next innovations to break.

With that said, I present 'DVR 2.0.' Simple idea. It came about when I noticed on my cable bill that I was being charged a renter's fee for my DVR (and modem for that matter). Was it a big deal? Not really, though it shortly became one when I found the inherent issues of competitive television afoot. I don't watch a lot of t.v. Why would I? I have the internet. But, then when I do watch the "boob tube" I'd at least like to enjoy what I'm watching. And even if I'm not enjoying it, I'm somewhat of a completionist so I'll see it through regardless. Now all that's fine and dandy until this "season" when I found myself bogged down by favorites all airing on essentially two nights with the rest of the week left pretty bare.

As I've stated, I have a DVR (East Coast so "Tivo" doesn't get thrown around as casually). But there was the issue. Only two programs can be recorded at a time. And while two programs are being recorded if one were to want to watch something it'd have to be one of those two or something else that had been recorded previously. But, like I mentioned earlier, everything this season seems to find home on TWO of the SEVEN nights of the week. So what am I looking at exactly?

It's not my cable provider's fault. And the broadcasting companies strive on competition. So should I shake a fist at capitalism like so many others for the woes of American society? Meh. There lies the path that brought me to DVR 2.0. Two simple technologies that seemingly run parallel to the path of technology anyway. A system I'd call something like "Cloud" Procurement.

Simply put. Instead of having to record media to a HDD why not have a set-top box set a market for the scheduled program and then upon a consumer's desire to view said program they can just do so via the content streamed to screens. Pretty much it's just taking a page out of Netflix's playbook. I'd much rather pay a fee for that type of optionality monthly over a damn renter's fee when I don't even have access to the content I want limited to two different programs if they come on at the same time on the same day. And it'd just be much more enjoyable then dealing with the "genius" introduction of seven or eight day delays for content from the day it's aired that can be found on streaming sites like Hulu or the broadcasters direct sites. And then there's no question in why I'm even bothering paying for cable AND internet access in the first place (long story).

So there it is. What I think would make for a nice evolution of cable provider tech practices that have started to fall behind a bit. Just an idea anyway.


Listening to:  Name & Number by Harvard Blue


Been Slacking

So I was having a nice chat with someone and it hit me that a lot of newer black super heroes (male) have either been in the armed forces or been a cop. It was such an odd realization. To be honest I could probably scour the depths of that thought and pull forth all kinds of subtext but that'd be making it into more than it is to me. More than just a simple observation. So with that I leave off with a list of some of the heroes in question.

Jon Stewart (Green Lantern/DC)

James "Rhodey" Rhodes (War Machine/Marvel)

Michael Lane (Azrael/DC)

Mark Richards (Tattooed Man/DC)


My Holiday Cards Are Just As Crappy Now As They Were In Grade School

Pushing onto hour 16 and I'm really starting to feel it. Need to get back on a standard sleep schedule if I'm going to make this work so, I guess I'll just have to push through the delusions.

Long morning. Made Christmas/Holiday Cards. (See title) Was a bit nippy out. Kind of liked it.

I hate the subway here. NYC has a subway. This place? This place has an underground trolley. Though there's one thing that never seems to disappoint. It's this moment when a song makes it's way through shuffle and its beat seems to just perfectly sync up with the movement of the other passengers heads as we're all swayed by the steel on steel revolutions. It's a smile-bringer. Like being at a concert and everyone's really 'feeling' your favorite 'jam'.

Next time I'm in NY I have to see if I can get the same outcome.


Listening to:  No I In Threesome by Interpol


Squirrel Triumvirate

There's something disconcerting about the life I've chosen to live. I've stated on numerous occasion that I am a liar and a fake but still find myself faced with irritation when people are faced with such deceit firsthand.  It's a bit laughable the lengths I go to destroy relationships though. If anything, it more than likely stems from the overwhelming desire to be free.

Confinement. Hatred. Two words that are synonymous currently. Whenever possible, I avoid walking on sidewalks. There's nothing more appreciativethan the space granted by the middle of the road. That's just how it started  however. Eventually of course my endeavors for the elusive dared develop into something much more, dare I say, sinister?

I've long resigned my communicative fate as being one of a Skype nature. It's cheaper to maintain and there's something alluring about knowing at any moment I can just pick up and disappear with no one essentially the wiser. No place to call home sure, but then again, no reason for such a matter at this stage in the game anyway. People will believe anything they want to believe and who am I not to facilitate such perceptions even if they already are true to begin with?

However, I don't think I'll ever be far enough away to truly be free.