What's Up Wednesdays #5


2.0 Tuesdays #2: Heads Up Display

This one's short so for all of you out there who may stop in and "f*ck this sh*t, too much reading!" well, this one's for you. Not really but meh, here it goes.

HUDs aren't new to anyone who's been alive for the last 15+ years. Why we've yet to see widespread integration into our systems being commonplace is beyond me. Now I know tech like "google's glass" is attempting to do just that but why has it taken so long, and for that matter why are we looking at this deeply personal concept as the early stage of integration.

Now, it's by no means an old idea I've been holding onto for years like some of the other stuff I'll be putting up here but in the two seconds I spent thinking about the tech it hit me. Why has something so simple escaped something so common. Cars.

I'm by no means the most experienced driver but for the love of all that's good and holy, I'd love it if I had a HUD on my windshield. Nothing crazy but just that standard info. Speed and maybe just tracking to highlight--read as outline--objects when driving at night. I mean, temperature, fuel/oil/miles, etc. Meh, could be left on the dash but just being able to keep my eyes on the road instead of taking split seconds to look down at the tunnel-vision inducing steering console would be nice. 

Just, a thought that came by, so, see ya next time.


Mainstay Mondays #2:  Gays

Well now this one has been long and coming. (See Trans/Post) Now what few interested parties I did have, I guess this is what'll separate the diehards from the casuals. I now give you, "Gays." An honest opinion focusing on basics derived from observations via the viewpoint of a questionably objective participant.

Gays or rather the idea of homosexuality as anything more than cheap frills is a joke. Maybe a little too harsh? Alright, I'll tone it down to the basics. I have every bit of belief in the world that those who believe themselves to be gay are doing so in response to fear. The fear of being alone. The fear of being hurt. The fear of putting themselves out there and actually TRYING and putting in EFFORT and WORK. Life isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination but to SETTLE seems to be the main coping mechanism for way too many and that's what I'm trying to express in this little rant.

By this point if you've even made it to this point I'm quite impressed with your resilience to deal with topics that many would so expressly condemn. Or maybe like me, your pride won't allow you to tell me to "F*ck Off" until you've actually read all that I have to spew on the matter.

I don't have a problem with those who identify themselves as homosexuals or even those that engage in homosexual activities. I by no means am attempt to validate condemnation of those individuals. I just desire to express how limiting such actions are in terms of the strength of character it takes to put one's self out there and do what nature intended for the survival of the species.

Crazy to think of it as a crime against nature in the literal sense isn't it? But, it's true. Humans weren't made to procreate asexually. Science is making strides toward resolving such an issue but but that's hardly anything more the the posturing of minds that believe just because something can be done, it MUST be done. Were we not in a state of global overpopulation I'm sure my views on such endeavors would take an opposing view. but, then again, if birds and cows were fish there'd be far more vegetarians.

I personally find women appealing in a fashion that would take days to express concisely. Believe me when I say I'll have a separate post of that because quite frankly it's something I've plotted out since it's a big part of my life. That said, I have the absolute worst luck with them. I'm just not terribly good at that aspect and have faced rejection and solitude for a lot more of my life than any one should be comfortable with. it doesn't deter me though because I refuse to settle With all the concessions I've had to make in my life up until now and all the ones I'm sad to say I'll probably have to make in the future, that won't be one of them. I believe I will find the one for me and that it is absolutely ludicrous to approach this situation in a manner of we fall for the ones we fall for when experience has shown me otherwise.

The only happy homosexual couples I've ever seen have been on TV or in the movies. I really hadn't taken note until I had a friend who identified their self as a homosexual. I proceeded to do, with that knowledge, what I do for all those I care about, I supported them in any way I could. And although I found myself as some sort of pseudo-therapist, all I keep thinking was okay, maybe in time the right one will come along and everything will turn out alright. The right one imagined, never being expressly gendered but just someone who would make the need for "talks" less frequent. Currently I'm still waiting for that to transpire but it made me realize that, in that regard the relationship wasn't much different than the relationships of those that stay in too long even when everything to everyone else appears to have gone straight to turd. Armed with that I began to see something even more developed taking shape. The only reason stuff like that is so prevalent is because of fear. Because Life. Is. Hard.

There are just too many people in existence on this plane of existence to believe someone of the opposite sex is an impossibility. Because, and I realize how simplistic I'm making this, there are people with every kind of personality amongst both males and females so if it's simply a matter of that then to classify one's self as gay or lesbian based on matters relating to emotional connection is extremely short-sighted. And the counterpoint being that if it's to do with the physical aspect than how can that be love? How can anyone be so presumptuous as to believe all love is, is merely physical sensations?

And with that I'll end this. There's more to it but really not much more. If you've made it this far, I commend you. Aside from that, however you chose to live is up to you. These were just my two cents and if you're gay please comment cause I'd love to here an honest counterpoint to how I'm missing something or if you believe I'm wrong, then please by all means, let me know how. I'll never turn away knowledge. It only makes us all better.

Take care.


Throwback Thursdays #8:  Lost


Identified:  Sunday, January 16, 2011 at 4:46pm · Source:  Facebook

As of rebirth I've found myself unable to write. The usual fluid inspiration seems to have reached its expiry. My ability to transform purest thoughts and emotion into speech seems lost to me now. It is depressing. Looking back at previous works, the current lapse in adept usage is all too apparent. The ability, lost so easily?  I miss syntax and diction as toys, the joy of swaying, multitudes or just one, to daringly higher plateaus. The current flowing now ebbs; truly a horrific reality. So, this is the end until the path's revealed once more, if ever again. Time; tell.


Listening to:  Novocaine For The Soul by The Eels



What's Up Wednesdays #4:  Joke

Person A:  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Person B:  I don't know, which?

Person A:  I don't know either; I'm not in to beastiality!


Two Point Oh Tuesdays Number One:  MyDemand

The hit just keep rolling out huh? Welcome to yet another piece of the puzzle I had started so long ago and just never got around to getting out. Two Point Oh Tuesdays! Or, as it will be better known as, "2.0 Tuesdays." Believe me when I say that I do quite a bit of thinking on a regular basis and none of that thinking seems to be relegated solely to narratives or depression. A good deal of it seems apt to just trying to figure out existence and in that regard, improvements/enhancements. So welcome to the idea farm (day) where I'll put out some of the ideas I've had over the years or even fairly recently in hopes to push the innovative envelope of any who stumble upon this. Humans are wondrous creatures capable of so much more than we seem to be content with right now. So, this is that call, to push forward toward that future just beyond the horizon!

Two Point Oh Tuesdays Number One:  MyDemand

"MyDemand" is a simple premise. It is a call for a world of entertainment void of superfluous. Upon growing older all begin to realize what they enjoy and don't enjoy. So why are we holding ourselves back by shotgunning the very experience that should be there to relax and relieve us? It's pretty ridiculous isn't it? If at the very least impractical. So, in this world where customization is a well-appreciated feature, why have cable companies been slacking so far behind? Why do they offer "variety packs or subject-oriented tiers" instead of just allowing us access to a programming schedule that appeals to the consumer's tastes?

Sure, the go-to answer is money but why limit ourselves to accepting something so drone and overused?  In the United States of America, the name of the game is supply and demand. Capitalist societies run on capitalist ventures. So, this is a rallying for the demand of an end to the old and an acceptance of the new. Content on demand. ALL content on demand. ALL the time.

This idea was always on the far reaches of my mind (years) but really came to the forefront as I began traveling the country to find that not all providers offered the same "basic package." Watching the growing prevalence of the online marketplace to offer the very customization I'm calling for, it's hard to believe the cable industry won't begin going the way of the newspaper (paper) soon enough. Cable is so overpriced as is and as with the constant renegotiations (looking at you DirectTV [dropping G4, AMC*, MTV*]) what lies ahead could only be this system of on demand entertainment taking point with the new generation beginning to assume dominance over the last.

So, simply put, what is the delay. The time for change is upon us. Let us usher in the new age, free of the so-called conventional thinking that does naught but hold us back, limiting our ability to evolve.


Mainstay Mondays Number One: Misogyny? I Barely Know Her!

So this is like watching paint dry I'm sure. The whole roll out of my layout, I mean. It's been over the course of what, six months or so since I started this little plan of mine? "Throwback Thursdays," "What's Up Wednesdays?" Well here we are with "Mainstay Mondays" now. And, just like with all the other firsts for a given category, I'll give a brief overview of what to expect from this particular topic.

"Mainstay Mondays" are generally for all those thoughts the float around my mind. What makes it so special or for the sake of argument, special enough to warrant the title "mainstay" is that these ideas will flow along the terms of what this site was originally created for. "Mental spring cleaning." Just new content that's not as personal as my WtUpWeds or as dated as the ThrThurs. So, without further adieu, here is the "first" entry in the category.

 Misogyny? I Barely Know Her!

Misogyny is a term that pretty much dictates the hatred of women. Don't believe me? Click the link. It goes to dictionary dot com or some other reference guide other than wikipedia. So what right? What's the big deal? Well the big deal is that this isn't going to be some long trite peace trying to express how I don't fall into such a category but rather a long trite peace about how there're plenty of great reasons why I should. And, not only that but also how the female presence in  my life in particular has all but groomed me to be so. Welcome to the Misogyny-Made Man. (Part I)

Growing up, there was always an infinite abyss of differing views and opinions but to such an extent that it was impossible to realize. That being said, there really are more people in this world than one can imagine at any age. There just always seems to be some aspect of life that continually reaffirms the miniscule nature of self and its place in existence. Now, I have little desire to dive too deeply into philosophy with this but a lot does fall upon the very nature of sentience, what that truly means in relation to existence.

So, then how does that build the misogynist? Simple, add equal parts inferiority complex, mass media portrayal and propaganda, then countless interactions with others groomed in similar fashion to believe the belittlement of their worth dare bring happiness and there you go! Now, this is perhaps where things get a bit convoluted. I do apologize but as it's mainstay I can't help if this begins to bleed into topics I've covered in the past and even ones I've yet to cover here.

Personally speaking, I greatly enjoy the idea of being with a woman. As time continues to move forward however, I've found myself becoming, for lack of a better term, more and more picky about just what type of woman it would be. I am by no means the greatest specimen of humanoid. In fact aside from countless bouts of discrimination, inadequacies, and underestimations I've found isolation to be the only calming and stress-free existence available at this time. Though as the Last Order dictates, my mission will not be possible in such a state so, interaction, no matter how stressing, is an unavoidable reality. So, what's so bad about interaction? What's so hard to deal with? Simple, people suck.

Let me reiterate, it is the negative interactions that color this world. Why it seems those are the most prevalent only helps to produce the traits that fall in line with a recluse. "Be confident" is a term that gets thrown around casually. The desire for a "Real Man" instead of a "Boy" gets equal play as well. Vague idioms that carry as much weight as "Be happy" would went thrown to someone suffering from chronic depression. Of all the sayings I've come across in my time, it is two that stick with me in this field of study. "Good guys finish last" and "It takes money to make money,"

"Good guys finish last" is a saying that used to hold a lot of meaning for me. I would take it to heart to explain my inadequacies in dealing with people and situations in which I felt I should be able to be on equal footing but alas would find myself falling to the wayside. It can make someone quite bitter to always fail at something everyone around them seems to excel at, and with such ease, but the truth is that, even THAT such limitation can be surpassed. To tweak the saying a bit, as life continued on it really seemed to ring true. Hearing women's reasoning for turning me down as being because I was "too nice" couldn't possibly do little else but reaffirm the previous statement. Women talk about how it's not "dicks" and "douche bags" but the "confidence" then make the previous explored comment and settle on people who very much treat them poorly can hardly be seen as little more than the hypocrisy so readily evident in this world. But even then, to hold fast to the original quote means to find contention in the stagnation that such a belief entails. But that's merely the female portion. What of the male?

Men will spew out words of similar faction. Truth be told though, their "truth" is that which is equally as faulty. The ones that find success are always quick to ridicule those that hold fast to that undelying principle of those who "finish last." They have succeeded where so many others have failed and say that such isn't the case which really is possibly the truth. Now we see the evolution. They aren't all "not nice guys" that are finishing. They are those that don't lack what others do. So the quote changes. It's not about nice guys or bad guys but a matter of those with the tools to continue that finish. First. And where are those tools? How does one acquire such? Simple, interaction which brings us to the second quote.

"You need to spend money to make money." That is, of the two, the better quote. Experience in anything goes a long way. But it is the negative experiences in life that produce such jaded existences. At this point in time I find myself burdened by two alternative. To settle on something short of my aspirations or to holdfast and steady in the hope that eventually the moment of truth will be upon me. Sounds a bit dreary no? But it is the truth. We can all be passive or active in our fates and though it may sound as though that is what those alternatives are about, such couldn't be further from the truth. The alternatives are about reality. And the reality that I'm positive that so many people have come to realize themselves. There are too many out there that are brainwashed into being the stereotype that those true individuals are withering away and at great speeds. I've personally come into contact with enough of the unsavory to, in my opinion, sate a lifetime. Women who care solely about appearance or wealth/possessions. But where and what happened to those individuals, those strong and independent who were actually as those words designate?

I am not financially wealthy or good looking. It is something I've come to terms with long ago. As such, I strive to accomplish that which I feel I was destined to accomplish. That said, I will not settle. I will not settle for those that message me because they've ascertained what I do for a living and see the potential in it to make their lives better. I will not settle on those who hold the branch of friendship (online) but then talk about how a membership and some money would "help" you two become closer. I will not settle on those who turn their noses because I do not own a car. I will not settle on those who don't fit my idea person but have shown interest in me otherwise. I will settle for the one who embodies the strength I know all humans to have and if that takes a lifetime or a hundred, that is the price I'm willing to put on the line. I find no beauty in those who lack honesty in their desires. I struggle with such on a regular basis but at the end of the day, I know exactly what I am, what I'm here to do, and that if I'm skeptical it's because I've seen it all before. So, until I see otherwise, just understand that it isn't misogyny. It isn't anti-feminist. It is the fact that there is better. There is the best. And that is where I settle. Nothing short of that could possibly do me any good.

--------------- END

Now I know this post is probably an odd way to start off with but later posts in this series will make a bit more sense in tandem with it. Thanks for the read though if you were able to make it this far and I hope that you'll be willing to offer some feedback because as I've already stated above and will state a million more times, interaction is absolutely necessary. Thank you again, and yeah, I guess, go save the world, there can never be too many heroes.


What's Up Wednesday III

Well it sure has been quite some time, has it not? When did the slump turn into a flat-out abyss off suck? If you guessed, "around the time the depression stopped being passive," you'd win the big prize! So what is life right now aside from all these questions?

Just. Utter. Sorrow.



This post is dedicated to the memories.


Hearing: "There Will Be Tears" by Frank Ocean


Saturated Saturday Number One:  Guardian.

Well now this is a new one. Usually I do a whole intro and stuff for planned, new, structured content but this, while new, was never truly planned and thus lacks the structure of the five day format of my original scheme. That being said, I guess I'll just jump right into it from here.

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I received a call from the world-renown writer and inspirational-ist (what so I'm looking ahead a couple years, sue me) Michelle Vargas. She has shifted gears and is now taking on the profession of Life Coach. Due to circumstances in my favor, I was privileged enough to receive a session from her. Now I won't go into too much detail about it but frankly speaking, it wasn't easy. In fact what it set the stage for this day is my primary reason for making this entry in the first place.

Now I was tasked to attempt an exercise which would produce unforeseeable results upon completion. Okay, sounded easy enough and though a little hiccup or three held up the progress, the initial findings were successfully acquired. Bringing this to now, two unexpected outcomes came about this day. An old connection was revived and one, seemingly, lost.

I received a call from my older brother today. We hadn't spoken in over a year and today he randomly called me as to inquire about the absence. He wasn't particularly pleased with my answers but I tried to be as honest as possible as to not belittle his intelligence with straight lies. The conversation, however, ended on a note I lack the emotional understanding to categorize. But I guess we're 'talking' again so I guess that is something.

Now, I also received another call, this time, from an old friend which really was just a return call from one I made earlier. Unfortunately it was just as peasant. The whole time I kept thinking about how something felt off. I couldn't quite figure it out. There just seemed to be some pulling away going on but I couldn't grasp it wholly, let alone a reason why until even later on in the evening when I received an email from that very same, old friend.

I won't go into detail about what they wrote to me but here I will display what I replied:


Ah, email, the purest form I know. Let's tackle this shall we? No issue with delays, it's not as if I'm going anywhere after all. So lets see what you're getting at. Hmm, I can understand the sentiment but please do try to see it from my point of view. No video has said, 'go email someone you care about to let them know you care about them.' The video in question only helped me realize that I don't take the time to express my appreciation for what I do have in this world and that maybe such has affected my ability to receive such appreciation in return. The words and feelings expressed are all mine, if not a bit sugary. But we'll call that optimistic instead.

So, yes, we did have fifth grade together. I know this because it was something I noticed in a class photo of that year. That and I remember an instance when we had some sort of class dance situation going on and I won a pencil. That is the only concrete time I can place you in that class. No offense but, because of that, I most certainly stand by ninth grade assertion as our "official" meeting. Now I'd just jump right into the next section but at this point of reading I already felt what was coming next. Even as we spoke on the phone earlier it was pretty apparent. Now I've chosen to do these challenges because frankly it's not as actively taxing as other tasks and there's nothing to lose but plenty to gain from these new ways of interaction. Interaction with people being something I've found myself grossly loosing the ability to perform adequately. So, well, moving into the next bullet.

I don't attempt these "challenges" because I have to. I do so because I choose to.

And, now we come to the part that I was dreading as soon as I started reading your reply. Distance? Okay, if that's how you feel then by all means. I do not understand the place where that is coming from but I will respect it if you feel that it's for the best. As I mentioned earlier, I could feel this outcome as early as our conversation on the phone. Perhaps even as early as last week. But hey, it is what it is. I don't harbor any ills toward your decision and just hope it helps. That said, I guess this is it for however long it takes. Be well and find peace.

- Guardian

It's already sent out and waiting in the wings to be read but at this point I've found myself with so many thoughts of TWO thoughts. That's right, only two thoughts are spawning all of this chaos in my head. The first thought being that this friend has decided to pull away because of my decision to take part in challenges set forth to improve myself. And in a message sent to express my appreciation for them, they replied with the exact opposite of what I had hoped to expect from anecdotes shared in reply to the initial video challenge. Were it simply silence, that would be that, but I was met with was what seemed like a request to stop being friends. At such a point all I could do was continue to speculate (as I am now) about the reasoning behind such an extreme response. Thinking about what had changed lately, wondering if all this was worth it in the first place; I began slinking back into that dark depressive state I knew all too well. It was then that the second thought rang forth. I wasn't the same any more. I still feel the tinges of depression but I largely don't have the same dark inclinations. For the first time, in a long time, the mission was more important to me than dying.

I've taken on a multitude of names and personas and yet the mission has never actually changed. Depression, suicidal inclinations, all that, but what kept me anchored was the mission. I really feel I owe a large bit of it to the new influences I've found in life. Influences such as Michelle Vargas. Her words, vlogs, and book, have helped me realize how limiting I was to myself. How it was fear that was holding me back regardless of the mission I had set out to accomplish. And, now, armed with that knowledge things just seem all the more clear. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the depression, the anxiety, the fear, but now, more so than in a long span of years, I feel the drive that started me on this path in the first place. I feel a sense of motivation to finally strip away some of the self-generated chains that have clamped down my soul.

This undertaking is nothing of ease but that perhaps is why I have to do it. So I may still struggle with people and even simple things like genuine feelings but the regrets, the failures, all that means to me is that I can't die just yet. And for this cause I'd fight for eternity to bring it to fruition.

Thanks "Coach!" And thanks also to CourtneyPants, Dodger, and essentiALLY5. Just a few vloggers I've come across who have dared to share the personal struggles. The stories all have shared and the strength of will and character such actions have displayed, has helped me find something I myself thought long lost. Something I'm ashamed to have forgotten so long ago. Something only stories of super heroes had articulated to me as a kid and even now still, as an adult. Thank you all and to any I haven't directly called out, I sincerely apologize but graciously thank you as well. Its been too long since I felt the need but here I now stand leagues closer to the old me, my core, free.



What's Up Wednesday #2

So if you're a loyal ready here then you've already probably seen how late this is. Sucks I know but well what can be done? Oh, well, I guess me not being a lazy a-hole...moving forward,

I had actually been looking forward to this "What's Up." You see, things have been afoot. Things I had been planning to finally get off my chest. Things to do with last week actually. You see, last week I went back to my hometown. I went back to the greatest city on Earth and though for reasons of legitimacy I really did just end up completing all of nothing but a renewed broken heart.

Last week, my first day in town, I meet up with a number of old friends I hadn't seen in years. It was, unnerving. My entire stay would've been were it not for the crazy but lets just address that later. It was uncomfortable to say the least but I pushed through. My life has been one giant mess of uncomfortable for a while now, sad to say. So we went into the city, a lounge, in effort to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in an even longer amount of time. Imagine to my surprise when one of the first people to approach me is her. The female I spent the end of my high school career and darn near half my college career obsessing over. Someone who, for all intents and purposes, was utterly unavailable. To me.

Let me preface this with something for a moment. We were close. We are still close. REAL close. I don't believe there are too many people left in this world who know me for who I was. But she, she knows what I was, what I became, and even shows some idea of what I am. She is amazing and she's the closest to love I've come in my life. I say closest because for me love is a two-way street. In my belief, if all parties involved aren't in agreement, it just becomes something along the lines of infatuation or lust even. All that said, she truly is so special to me, yet again, utterly unavailable. To me.

She's the first to approach me in the lounge. Not the first I see or who sees me of course, but the first to approach me. And she does so with a hug. She's drunk. I hold her in my arms and am instantly swept into those old feelings. My heart feels like it's going a mile a minute on a freaking bicycle. She warns me about something I'm too engrossed in her to register and then disappears back to whence she came. We, the "guys" and I, settle in to the little V.I.P. area that was set up and meet with some other friends who were there. As I'm debating what to do, sit or stand since again I'm still feeling that anxiety even though it had started mixing with desire, here she comes. Another dear friend from my past. On the plus side, she's just as emotional about my long overdue return. On the not so plus side, her "hug" turned out to be a slap. It hurt. Like hell.

Now the point of this isn't to tell the entire story of my "vacation" but rather to set the stage for this post. I spent all last week thinking about, yearning for, and acting on impulses to get merely moments in the presence of that dear friend I'd pinned over for so long, so long ago. I never actually stopped feeling for her but when she broke it to me about my unfortunate condition, I did my best to kill my heart so that it wouldn't make her uncomfortable. It was my nature to sacrifice after all. Just as the nomenclature I've come to identify with currently states. Empty Lamb. But this isn't about the darkness. Not specifically anyway.

So, a week goes by. I arrive the 12th. I arrange a meeting on the 14th. She catches on to the plan and makes sure to see me at 00:01, the 15th, instead. I make my way to the restaurant she part-times at on the 16th, and on the 17th I met up with another old and dear friend just to get stupid drunk and talk about her. I should've mentioned this earlier but she had told me she wanted to take me to the airport when it was time for my departure during the time we spent on the 15th. Unfortunately as the 18th approached she couldn't make it so I had to leave without seeing her one last time, with no idea of the next time I'd ever even make it back to my home state again. It was rough.

By the time my plane landed it seemed like the pressure in my chest was finally starting to return to normal. Homeostasis. Needless to say, this whole week, I've been thinking about her. Obsessing really. She still wants nothing to do with me in the capacity I'd always hoped for yet I can't seem to kill this. I know why of course. It's simple. Upon seeing her again, it was the first time I've felt those feelings in years. With the depression, isolation, and rage I've resided in, and have now been returning to, the standard numbness in which my soul resides.

Two weeks. For two weeks, so far, she's all I've thought about and I know that I need to stop but I also know that such action would mean to go back to the dark. I like being able to feel something other than the unbearable sorrow of a life of failure and regret. Even though this is as completely delusional as it gets, I feel as though I need this for fear that to let go would mean true isolation from the last vestige that keeps me in a place where I can interact with people in sincerity. It's something I've taken note of for a while now and simply put, I've truly lost touch. But, not in the generational way. My ideation has begun crossing fringe and is more than a little frightening, even to me. I fear I may not be able to make connections soon as I truthfully haven't in over half a decade now already.

In earnest I know what this truly is. It's the path I've chosen. It's where I chose to be but whatever humanity is left in me has the clearest of valid apprehension of such a transition. So now, in this limbo, we explore, we weigh, we wait till the choice has to be made.

Then, we step forward.


Throwback Thursday #7:  Naivete

Source via Xanga:  Posted 08/28/2003, 11:40 PM

Now that I think back to those days...specifically that time long ago, I can't even remember why any of it had taken place. Hmm I must have been only 16 back then...laying there half asleep, half awake...just barely holding on to the faint voice of the woman I would soon get to know very well. It occurs to me just how long I was laying there...felt like hours but probably only a matter of minutes. Hmm I was just laying there...sorta assumed at first, maybe even alittle scared actually. Hmph though after what seemed half a lifetime I just started to drift off...to not even care about the situation I had found myself in. 'Heh heh heh,' I remember laughing to myself...maybe even at myself partly. The pain was more mental than physical. It was funny how a broken leg, three cracked ribs, torn ligaments in both arms, as well as a mild concussion and all at the time I couldn't help but think about the possibility of someone finding me and taking avantage of me. It was indeed hilarious to think through all that, all those painful experiences, that at this time, as I lay there holding on to that quiet voice, the only thing that could come to mind was how I would explain this all to my mother. I shouldn't have been where I was to begin with...to think it all happened just cause I wanted to play hero. Taught me a lot, that experience did, as everything began to flash before me...the bitter cold feeling that rattled my body. Yeah, it all comes back now...not so much how it really happened, just why it did, as well as the reason for my paralysis. Hmm, I wondered what she was thinking...now that I really think about it, I couldn't even remember her face anymore. Ha! That's great! I bet my kids would love this story...they'd probably see their good ole dad as a bit of a player or pimp or something. 20 years after that experience, only 18 years since I had been engaged to that woman...the one whose voice brought me back to 'life,' so to speak. Yeah, we, engaged...funny how it turned out that her being the one that did what she did and me being the moron I was. Yeah we dated two years, were engaged, and two more years later it just fell apart I guess. Eh, it all brings me back. Yeah I remember walking by when I heard the scream...heh, I was naive then, maybe too naive, heh. Rushing in only got me to the semi-comatose state that was though, also the woman would became my first fiance. I remember all to well why death was upon me that day...why her voice was all I could hold onto to stay alive, why everything was so blurry as my head was spinning. Hmm, it probably gave me a little brain damage as now thinking back this is the only time it really hit me what had happened...about the time I thumb-wrestled death...and won! I was 16 years old, naive, and still thought I wanted to be a hero. Even now when I really am, I take that experience in stife. I rushed in when I heard a scream just to find myself on the floor. She screamed...till this day I don't know why but she did and because of that scream I had rushed in just so I could find myself on the floor, losing consciousness. She kicked me balls with all her might! ...shocked and taken off guard cause I was a guy rushing towards her while she was in the ladies' room.


Minor edits made 09 FEB 12


Throwback Thursday #6:  Girls

Source via Xanga:  Posted 11/29/2003 11:08 AM

Update ALERT!!!

I met a girl who was beautiful...simply amazing...she was funny and just plain fun to be around I had harbored great feelings for her and her me but before the tale could end I began to see an interesting side of her that maybe I would've been happy not to...We formed a relationship like no other I had ever had but then that was a long long time ago...over time she grew to hate me and now my existence forsaken...

I met a girl who was brillant...maybe the smartest girl I had met in a long time...she was great to look at heh...but seriously she was really good looking and I thought she could actually follow my train of thought...what a great friend to have I thought and thus set out to spawn a friendship of such...after time though I began to realize it had been luck and that a friendship may not be possible...now I wonder just what's going to happen next as the year comes closer and closer to an end...

I met a girl who was very unlike any other girl I had known...she was a blast from the past...already knowing of her existence prior to my contact with her it made me wonder why it had been different now than it was before ...I was better back then...she was really cool and exciting maybe because she brought something that no one else had really brought to my life...after time though I found she had an attraction to older guys...she wasn't the first to have ever told me that...I began to wonder if R. Kelly really had something there...

I met a girl who was very different...she was somewhat of an eccentric I guess but in all the most entertaining of ways...after time however I began to realize that all the excitement, inuendo, and all that fun of taboo was all there was...yeah she just wasn't one for dealing with the joys of sorrow...

I met a girl who actually was connected to two other girls...all three of them had very appealing characteristics and grand friendships were fostered over time although as more time progressed I began to loose contact with one...and with the other two I've just been loosing credibility...I guess it's true the saying about some people just being better in doses...

I met a girl who was a real "badass" she was strong, smart, and seductive like no other...she didn't have too much of a problem being herself and literally was everything she said she was...never concerned about what others thought of her...she was herself in all that she was...We were once bitter enemies...now we're...not sure but we chill sometimes...I'd call her a friend...

I met a girl who actually met me and introduced me to herself...she's pretty straightforward and well a really really intersting friend...

I met a girl who was pretty short...she was maybe the most layed back girl I had ever known...but as we became friends and I got to know her I began to see that there was alot more to her than I had previously thought...I had thought she was carefree but now that really know her she is working harder than anyone I know even though she is alittle lost...I'll continue to stand by her if she'll ever need me because she's just too good a person to have face this world of pain alone...I'll do what I can, it's what friends are for...

I met a girl who had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen...too bad she thinks I'm nuts! Heh...

I met a girl who well not really sure...she's good looking, smart, about to go off to college...hey she started talking to me! Heh don't know really what to say...just that I don't mind getting to know her better...

I met a girl who seems to have a secret friendship with me...not sure why but it's one of a kind...

I met a girl who is religious and somewhat alotta horny...we talk every now and then pretending nothing had happened...who knows maybe it was a dream...

I met a girl who shared with me her world...to this day we keep contact but well I can't say too much about her...she's just so unique and amazing that nothing I could say would really be accurate enough...

I met a girl who liked me...oh man too bad I flinched...

I met a girl who...I told I loved and to this day I still do...I had told it to her and she had said it back...I can't say too much about her mainly because if I were to get started it might take hours to finish...she is like a perfect girl...her personality, her strengths , even her weaknesses...I've only met one girl like her and that is her...unfortunately I haven't met another girl like her since...it's true I love her and that she's probably the only girl I can say I love with all intents and purposes but we're just friends and I'm glad...

Aright sorry everyone that my first post in a very long time had to be so personal but I dunno...I just wrote about some women...heh hopefully they never read it and figure out that I'm writing about them...ah well yeah I really do hope everyone..every friend I've made is doing well and I must say I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get around on Xanga as often as before...I've just been so swamped...sorry...well I do have some vaca coming up so hopefull by then I'll be able organize things and get back on track to contact with everyone I've had the pleasure of meeting during my time here...yup well I guess that's it for this update...as always...peace out


What's Up Wednesday Number One

Well now this is long overdue but here comes the next installment of my quest to subscribe to some sort of order/structure for this thing I call an outlet for chaos. What's Up Wednesday is essentially just going to be a check in to express where I'm currently at. That being said, this stuff may very well be quite esoteric. So, anyway, after taking so much time and slacking so hard, here goes:

"What's Up" Number One

Currently I'm not exactly sure what I am doing any more. There are so many projects I'm leaving to gather dust that it's definitely of concern for me. "FunDtail", "the Saint Sage Path", "FPLYCYD", the weekly schedule here, as well as just my backlog of topics I had been meaning to cover in the first place. And all of that's just on the create side of the table, the improve side is just as uncomforting. It sounds like the world I'm dancing around is overwhelming but in truth I don't know if I even feel any thing close to that right now.

What am I feeling? That has been on my mind for a bit of a while now. It's quite perculiar to say the least since I really have no idea how to even approach that topic. It's not quite numb but not quite depression either. I know it's not happiness because I still feel like a failure. A failure not content to end out in such a manner but a failure nonetheless. Perhaps overwhelmed is the absolute truth. Maybe that's exactly why I don't know what I'm feeling or even what TO feel.I'm really taking a lot here both mentally and even physically. What if I've just crossed my limit?

If this is my limit I'd think this truly was depressing. My legs are in quite a bit of pain. Open sores that seem to have spread across at least 60% of epidermis. Itching, stinging, just pain and being winter I get to enjoy the not so gentle chaffing of pant and flesh. Creams fail me since it's not fully scabbed over and the dry nature of this area just continue to crack damage what few surface areas unaffected. This sure sucks.Though that's it.

What else do I feel? What am I SUPPOSED to feel?


Throwback Thursday #5: Old Philosophy


Source via Xanga:  Xsuit

Sunday, October 26, 2003

Morribb Tyler Lehrer is the name of a beggar…the endless streams of philosophy mean nothing to the uninformed idealists. “What is the point of saying something senseless to someone who would try and make sense of it?” The meaning of life is meaningless, an endless inquiry that revolves around unimportant details. “What’s the point of knowing your reason for life if you don’t even know your reason for death?” Time doesn’t in actuality exist…one moment to another is just that as point a to point b are just paths of dreamers looking to have control over that which cannot be controlled. “Are you the shepherd or are you the shepherded?” Endless streams of philosophy will continue to exist as long as ignorance runs rampant. “Are you happy because you don’t know sadness or because you do?” The influences of the world only exist because we are led to believe we are weak. “If you are strong why don’t you succeed?” When common fundamentals are excused you are left with extremes. Common sense does not exist because nothing is common. Rationality is a reaction to fear while innovation is a reaction to the lack of. “Are names used?” The five senses combine to make the sixth sense. Good and evil don’t feed off of each other because they both don’t exist. There is no such thing as an end to chaos as there is no such thing as an end to peace. The balance of right and wrong is nonexistent, but only a fabrication of the same who choose to ignore their own ability to fail. Love and pain aren’t related but are flaws of living creatures. The same flaws that allow life to continue, through death life persists. “But if life begets death and death begets life then which isn’t real?” Words are as powerful as the user of them. The sixth sense is very sharp and hard to manipulate, but only to those who are confused by simple questions. All questions are simple because they are merely answers to fears. If you look hard enough you will find that there is nothing to see, but if you choose to be enlightened you’ll realize a single path does exist and stand above any other. Humans are batteries in what is supposedly taught to be life, expiration dates and all. The strong give up because they are aware of their ignorance but the weak give up because they are unaware of theirs.

5:51 PM - 8 views - 32 eprops - 23 comments - email it


Throwback Thursday #4: Tell Three

Source via Facebook Notes

by Morribb Tyler Lehrer on Sunday, December 30, 2007 at 3:11am

Something sad and lonely. Something depressing. The grays that mix with black. It's so convoluted. Where are all the happy smiling kids with their puppy dogs and lollipops? What the fuck happened to America so that a kid can't go into a Saturday night without looking for some sort of intoxication? Is the world so bad? Have things gotten so bleak that no one wants to be here? That people would much rather just coast on the edge of living until their time finally runs out. I don't smoke but maybe I should. It'd make shit like this seem cooler wouldn't it?


Throwback Thursdays #3: Tell Two

Source via Facebook Notes

by Morribb Tyler Lehrer on Sunday, December 30, 2007 at 2:49am

Tell me something more. When do you get to the point where it's all okay? Not fine, not great, not grand, just okay. This world is huge and full of such experiences. Where do we all go is a nice question but so broad. Too broad perhaps. Where one goes is enough already than where billions. So one more time, tell me something more. Something else. Why not, okay?


Throwback Thursdays #2: Tell One

Source via Facebook Notes
by Morribb Tyler Lehrer on Saturday, December 29, 2007 at 11:39pm

Tell me something. Would you love if you knew that it would only end sooner or later in heartbreak? Would you care for the solitude less if you knew that for a instance, no matter how brief, it would be absolved? The world in bleak colors doesn't seem to do anyone any real justice. Sadness, depression, grief. They seem like such cold words no? So tell me something. Is there a better way...


Throwback Thursdays Number One: AOL Instant Messenger

So I'm going to try something new from now on. A little structure to the usual randomness of this blog. Something I'm not ashamed can very well be attributed to my not all that recent discovery of Daily Grace. If you don't know, you're MISSING OUT but this isn't about that at the moment. For now, here goes the premise of "Throwback Thursdays" or "THRTHURs" for short, generally on Thursdays I'll do my best to dig into the cesspool of old ways and post some of the stuff that brought me to this point. If you don't know, I tend to write excessive amount of stuff. Well, imagine this, back in the day, I use to write EVEN MORE! But that's again not important for right now. So, here's the first of perhaps many, enjoy.

Circa:  June 2nd 2008 titled "AHH!!!" via Facebook Notes


by Morribb Tyler Lehrer on Monday, June 2, 2008 at 2:50pm

That's my first away message. I have 57 away messages currently and that doesn't include the two that can't be deleted. I write such idiocy in complete and utter disregard for structure, reference, citation, or feelings. This has got to be a problem, yet it never seems that way till it's all over. Like a flash whatever has left becomes something of its own accord and I'm left able to do nothing but watch it become a figment in cyberspace. I hate the sight...

Now playing: The Vogues - Five O'Clock World
via FoxyTunes


Watch Me As I Unhinge

These are truly times of trying for those of us in the know. Those of us who see the forks and the arduous paths created by such bifurcation. This, I'm afraid, will bleed into the 'Rise Initiative' but, please bare with me. I inquire now as to the nature of good intentions. Further then I weigh the benefit of evil as a deterrent. What is surmises to is whether there is any true worth to embracing darkness, read being the 'bad guy.'

I did bad today. I cracked a window to darkness I've spent so many years trying to bury. I gave in to it and let hell rise. For whatever reasons, for whatever good came about, I will hate myself now and forever. My last vestige of humanity, may have been severed. Today, everyone became painfully aware of how horrible I already knew I was. Worst still is that it had to be in front of her. To her. To one so naive, so gullible, so inexperienced but eager to grasp the lessons us jaded now take for granted.

My vision, to call to arms the archetype around us all but, it seems, all I've done is grant audience a performance of the blackest of souls.


Hearing:  Most Beautiful Plague by Say Anything