What's Up Wednesdays: Dead End

There's not much going on honestly. I'm not where I was when this all started and I mean that in every way imaginable. Let's see what tomorrow has to offer.


2.0 Tuesdays: Where We Are/Where We're Going

This is going to be a bit informal this time so please bear with me. Instead of focusing on a particular idea we're going to be talking about the concept of "2.0" itself. I feel it's necessary to establish that there won't be a "3.0." Unlike the standing scheme of developments the "2.0" is just the designator. It just refers to what comes next. To any who follow this site, past or present, that may have not been necessary to dive into but well now, it was. It's important to make that completely clear so that the progression has the footing necessary to do just that. Progress onward. That said, let's get into it.

I'm old. By the time this has been read I will have gotten even older. By the time I finish this draft and prepare for publication I will be old. The construct that we call time makes it so. What's the significance in that though? Simple. It has taken me this long to realize that my youth was wasted. Innovation has eclipsed me. All the ideas, theories I threw around in my youth are either in development or being fielded. To put it into perspective, cellular phones didn't become standard till I was in high school. I remember my first interaction with computers being in my third to last year in elementary school. The two-tone screens. Color images and functionality beyond simple word processing didn't make their way to the student body till a few years later. It was an interesting time to be alive. Just the taste of that new tech alone really riled up within me a love that I still feel even now. Desire. Desire and inspiration that would cause me to look at the world and wonder how to make things more efficient. Had I the knowledge and tools, perhaps I would've achieved inventor status instead of just casual ponderer. Sucks my sketching ability was so shoddy as well but that's another thing entirely. It'll come back up as I start to publish my old black book files in the Throwback Thursdays since they're so outdated there's little else to do with the machinations. Not as though I was saving them for anything really anyway. But what does this now have to do with the main focus? Simple. It was the where we are. We're at the point where the world has surpassed my generation's idea of innovation. The tech is out there and a cursory glance on any search engine will reveal just that fact. So where to now?

It's a frightening place to be when new studies come out that seem almost indistinguishable from "magic." It's not an easy place to find one's self especially having spent a life feeling disappointed that the gap between what is and what's desired seemed to vast. As someone who prides themselves on the what's the come, a futurist of sorts, is it any surprise that this reality is so hard to face? For the first time in decades it's unclear what's coming next. What steps will be taken, how technology will continue to develop, how human intellect will evolve. It's scary. But then our face hurts so bad. Can't help but smile. Ear to ear. Finally, a challenge. And now us with the tools to perhaps finally do something about the ideas so they don't just sit in tomb collecting dust as in years passed. Welcome to the start of emptylamb 2.0.

Let us go unto this new horizon together and explore just what it means to be.


2.0 Tuesdays #5: Custom Build

Everything in the 2.0 series could easily be attributed to the necessity of customization or rather personalization being an incremental step in the next era of innovation furthering the ascension of mankind. In this entry as with most of the others under this category, the goal is to stay relatively broad and the future need no stern hand but simple encouragement. Such is the philosophy and so it shall stay.

Custom builds are quite possibly the missing piece of what separates us all from that ideal future and the present that mirrors little of what those that came before us imagined. The obsession with a standardization isn't nearly as prevalent because the global unity has continued to escape the grasp of those leaders that run the face of existence from the shadows. Whether intentional or otherwise. Free-market societies, capitalism, all interesting concepts but the competition between corporations has never truly benefited anything other than the illusion on societal constraints. Proprietary as a term comes to mind. Such systems have only influenced "big business" to investigate and and pursue more creative avenues in which to gouge the populous at large. And under such a guise has effectively pushed forward substandard merchandise that hinders far more than it could ever hope to help for it serves to stagnate.

Though it's hardly all negatives. There are those gems out there that gaze on at the existence of such and with earnest ingenuity and the curiosity that comes with youth, look to produce when inquiry as to why things are the way they are surpass the fear of challenging the status quo. But it's such a small portion that ever dare to seemingly answer such a call. That's truly what 2.0 is about. We've challenged mediocrity but when questioning it it's clear that the new mediocrity is adaptation. Technology advances but the people don't. That's where the call for 2.0 finds it's truest footing.

Custom build is merely a fragment of it all. Custom build is the next logical step. Instead of standards or burgeoning product lines labeled with systems so inclusive that even their legacies are incompatible, there's customization in-tandem with personalization. Tech built to order. Specifically to the consumer. Yes, there is the cost of such a premium but it can be offset by subscription based services. It would be the birth of the third party. The standards are fine. The name brand is fine. But then there's the service built from the ground up for the sole purpose of fulfilling the desires of the purchaser. And then the sublet of such being the subscriptions that custom tailors suites to fit the product. Cross-platform issues are regulated as each product is made to the specifics of each unit. Examples, a cell phone and the applications it can run. Time can be mitigated as technological advancements continue.

There's so much to it and this is again, merely a fragment of the over-arching foundation that will take us into that next generation of human kind. And, it all starts with the individual. You.


Throwback Thursdays #10: Drink Beer, Get High, Drink Beer Till the Day I Die

The desire to fight welling up within me I find that a normal life can no longer be attained. Humanity lost I can be no more than a vagrant taken place to place never capable of finding my true home. All is one in this rage that consumes men. I can only hope to attain freedom in death. Were such a creature I've come to form be any more capable of such a life as a Phoenix constant in it's rebirth --------------- Dated: 12JUN11

Throwback Thursdays #9: Dated 30MAY11 (26AUG12e)

I do so adore the touch of a fine pen to paper. The ink's subtle strokes, the way the void is filled. There is sound, weight, placed where once there was simply abyss. A glory that breaks down the walls absconding innovation. To be free of such a horrid state which subjection to stifled existences, merely following predetermined paths on rudimentary paths of predictable occurrences, is at hand. Desires at one's fingertips; there are no lies in the strikes. There is pain, love, hate, emotion in its purest, untarnished state. Beautiful, so undeniable yet indistinguishable from the chaotic filth that holds us all down. There is something more, a fragment of the very essence of life perhaps? I do so adore the supple caress of the empty as filled by life force made tangible by fluid on metal and wood.


What's Up Wednesdays #6: The Inbetween

It's been a while since I've updated. Almost a full year really. I was away on a trip. Not sure if I made it back. Not all of me that is. There's this weird feeling like I'm not, well, to be honest I'm not sure. Just like I forgot something important over there. In that place. I've never felt so exposed but there's little to do. Another big move is coming and I need to figure out what I even am anymore. Not for me. But for.... With everything going on, there has been one thing that's worth noting though. I found true happiness...


2.0 Tuesdays #4:  Neo-economics

Neo-economics. By no way, shape, or form do I have a share holding on the term. But the ideas fall in line so this kind of just title's itself. They all do really. So, what is neo-economics? Well let's take it apart and find out shall we?

Neo. Taken directly from Dictionary.com, neo is, "a combining form meaning 'new,' 'recent,' 'revived,' 'modified,' used in the formation of compound words." Fairly self explanatory. Which then leaves the second half. Economics. Again from the same source economics is defined as, "the science that deals with the production, distribution, and consumption of goods and services, or the material welfare of humankind" Breaking them down into their parts helps establish just what this is and how it falls under the 2.0 category. This is as the leading identifier implies, a look into what's next. What's possible if those who dream are allowed. So, with this concept that's generically abstract where can we go? The answer is simple, anywhere. But, for the sake of this little venture I'd like to present a new system to consider. Please do take the time to enjoy this differing perspective as I hope it does the job of furthering the spirit of innovation.

As a citizen of a free-market society, a capitalist society, it's easy to see how the system could use improvement. To simply deem it flawed and offer no alternative would be juvenile in its lack of productive contribution to life's betterment. To which I bring forward something different. New may be the word I'm searching but I'd be remiss if not incredibly egotistical to believe such ideas have never crossed the minds of anyone before me. Percentiled Input Advancement or PIA. Sadly not terribly catchy but were it, I'd have probably gone with such instead of a blanket term like Neo-economics. But that's hardly the point. PIA is.

PIA revolves around the idea of people working. Securing employment and doing the tasks assigned to them. However, as opposed to earning a wage, we see a shift to something even more digitized. A system of development that allows the employee to percentisize their input into their company into fields of their choosing. For instance, an employee chooses from tiers (which they will be able to customize based on their preferences and then once the terms have been agreed upon they will work. As they make progress along that goal, the tier items will be furnished to them. They can devote one to one hundred percent of their efforts/input into material items or even investments. From there it becomes a numbers game. Instead of currency, ventures will be decided by the interest of the people. Instead of the gross abuses that seem inherent in the belief that money, tangible or otherwise can elicit power, we have a system that's based solely on the effort one puts into their work.

As long as one produces they will have all they require. If they desire more, they will have the option of "upgrade" upon completing their initial tasking. If they are no longer able to complete their task or have ceased to make any progress they will lose additional luxuries attributed them by the tier they worked but haven't completed. I believe this system could have truly far reaching potential if tooled just right. With the onset of an age where technological advances in precision and automation have changed the face of the era, a system like this could help mitigate the transition into a utopia state.

The development of the idea is endless but the furtherment of such development has never been much of the point of these 2.0s. At least not yet anyway. For right now it is merely a place for thoughts, fragments really. A look at a picture of varying size from a differing angle. Glancing toward that place just over the horizon. The adventure that awaits in this oh so unpredictable reality. And hopefully, that which provokes though. Take care.


2.0 Tuesdays #3:  Addendum

Well you see it isn't that there aren't plenty of ideas floating around up here, it's just that I don't think I was as clear as I could've been the first time around. The mission statement or rather A mission statement, of shorts, is what I aim for now.

The point of this, "2.0 Tuesdays," is hardly to showcase any sort of intelligence. My reasoning lies simply in the fact that I'm unsatisfied with where the world is right now. My current lifespan is so miniscule in comparison to that of the true innovators and yet I can see clearly how lacking the present continues to present itself. It's nothing shy of the now cliche, "where are our flying cars."

The human race has come a long way and that shouldn't be taken lightly however, it is almost as if a plateau has been reached. I traverse articles on a regular basis about technological developments and scientific discoveries that would grant us the reins to our own destinies but the like ash the crumble and float away, as if never to be heard of again.

So what right? These are big brains and they're clearly cranking out the super-science. (i.e. Mars landing, Higgs Boson, etc.) but at this point in the development of the human race why are we all still limited to such a small percentage of people? We're all connected, to an extent, so why are we still moving at such a snail's pace? What's really holding us back? Before this turns in to a capitalist rant though I just wanted to express that thought before revealing one pivotal point.

The reins are ours. Whoever has, let them give, let us all collaborate and tap into the ominiscience evident in the very frabic of our beings. The very core of all that we are, energy. That which cannot be created or destroyed. That which holds roots in past, present, and future.

Maybe this is a bit too esoteric.


What's Up Wednesdays #5


2.0 Tuesdays #2: Heads Up Display

This one's short so for all of you out there who may stop in and "f*ck this sh*t, too much reading!" well, this one's for you. Not really but meh, here it goes.

HUDs aren't new to anyone who's been alive for the last 15+ years. Why we've yet to see widespread integration into our systems being commonplace is beyond me. Now I know tech like "google's glass" is attempting to do just that but why has it taken so long, and for that matter why are we looking at this deeply personal concept as the early stage of integration.

Now, it's by no means an old idea I've been holding onto for years like some of the other stuff I'll be putting up here but in the two seconds I spent thinking about the tech it hit me. Why has something so simple escaped something so common. Cars.

I'm by no means the most experienced driver but for the love of all that's good and holy, I'd love it if I had a HUD on my windshield. Nothing crazy but just that standard info. Speed and maybe just tracking to highlight--read as outline--objects when driving at night. I mean, temperature, fuel/oil/miles, etc. Meh, could be left on the dash but just being able to keep my eyes on the road instead of taking split seconds to look down at the tunnel-vision inducing steering console would be nice. 

Just, a thought that came by, so, see ya next time.


Mainstay Mondays #2:  Gays

Well now this one has been long and coming. (See Trans/Post) Now what few interested parties I did have, I guess this is what'll separate the diehards from the casuals. I now give you, "Gays." An honest opinion focusing on basics derived from observations via the viewpoint of a questionably objective participant.

Gays or rather the idea of homosexuality as anything more than cheap frills is a joke. Maybe a little too harsh? Alright, I'll tone it down to the basics. I have every bit of belief in the world that those who believe themselves to be gay are doing so in response to fear. The fear of being alone. The fear of being hurt. The fear of putting themselves out there and actually TRYING and putting in EFFORT and WORK. Life isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination but to SETTLE seems to be the main coping mechanism for way too many and that's what I'm trying to express in this little rant.

By this point if you've even made it to this point I'm quite impressed with your resilience to deal with topics that many would so expressly condemn. Or maybe like me, your pride won't allow you to tell me to "F*ck Off" until you've actually read all that I have to spew on the matter.

I don't have a problem with those who identify themselves as homosexuals or even those that engage in homosexual activities. I by no means am attempt to validate condemnation of those individuals. I just desire to express how limiting such actions are in terms of the strength of character it takes to put one's self out there and do what nature intended for the survival of the species.

Crazy to think of it as a crime against nature in the literal sense isn't it? But, it's true. Humans weren't made to procreate asexually. Science is making strides toward resolving such an issue but but that's hardly anything more the the posturing of minds that believe just because something can be done, it MUST be done. Were we not in a state of global overpopulation I'm sure my views on such endeavors would take an opposing view. but, then again, if birds and cows were fish there'd be far more vegetarians.

I personally find women appealing in a fashion that would take days to express concisely. Believe me when I say I'll have a separate post of that because quite frankly it's something I've plotted out since it's a big part of my life. That said, I have the absolute worst luck with them. I'm just not terribly good at that aspect and have faced rejection and solitude for a lot more of my life than any one should be comfortable with. it doesn't deter me though because I refuse to settle With all the concessions I've had to make in my life up until now and all the ones I'm sad to say I'll probably have to make in the future, that won't be one of them. I believe I will find the one for me and that it is absolutely ludicrous to approach this situation in a manner of we fall for the ones we fall for when experience has shown me otherwise.

The only happy homosexual couples I've ever seen have been on TV or in the movies. I really hadn't taken note until I had a friend who identified their self as a homosexual. I proceeded to do, with that knowledge, what I do for all those I care about, I supported them in any way I could. And although I found myself as some sort of pseudo-therapist, all I keep thinking was okay, maybe in time the right one will come along and everything will turn out alright. The right one imagined, never being expressly gendered but just someone who would make the need for "talks" less frequent. Currently I'm still waiting for that to transpire but it made me realize that, in that regard the relationship wasn't much different than the relationships of those that stay in too long even when everything to everyone else appears to have gone straight to turd. Armed with that I began to see something even more developed taking shape. The only reason stuff like that is so prevalent is because of fear. Because Life. Is. Hard.

There are just too many people in existence on this plane of existence to believe someone of the opposite sex is an impossibility. Because, and I realize how simplistic I'm making this, there are people with every kind of personality amongst both males and females so if it's simply a matter of that then to classify one's self as gay or lesbian based on matters relating to emotional connection is extremely short-sighted. And the counterpoint being that if it's to do with the physical aspect than how can that be love? How can anyone be so presumptuous as to believe all love is, is merely physical sensations?

And with that I'll end this. There's more to it but really not much more. If you've made it this far, I commend you. Aside from that, however you chose to live is up to you. These were just my two cents and if you're gay please comment cause I'd love to here an honest counterpoint to how I'm missing something or if you believe I'm wrong, then please by all means, let me know how. I'll never turn away knowledge. It only makes us all better.

Take care.


Throwback Thursdays #8:  Lost


Identified:  Sunday, January 16, 2011 at 4:46pm · Source:  Facebook

As of rebirth I've found myself unable to write. The usual fluid inspiration seems to have reached its expiry. My ability to transform purest thoughts and emotion into speech seems lost to me now. It is depressing. Looking back at previous works, the current lapse in adept usage is all too apparent. The ability, lost so easily?  I miss syntax and diction as toys, the joy of swaying, multitudes or just one, to daringly higher plateaus. The current flowing now ebbs; truly a horrific reality. So, this is the end until the path's revealed once more, if ever again. Time; tell.


Listening to:  Novocaine For The Soul by The Eels



What's Up Wednesdays #4:  Joke

Person A:  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Person B:  I don't know, which?

Person A:  I don't know either; I'm not in to beastiality!


Two Point Oh Tuesdays Number One:  MyDemand

The hit just keep rolling out huh? Welcome to yet another piece of the puzzle I had started so long ago and just never got around to getting out. Two Point Oh Tuesdays! Or, as it will be better known as, "2.0 Tuesdays." Believe me when I say that I do quite a bit of thinking on a regular basis and none of that thinking seems to be relegated solely to narratives or depression. A good deal of it seems apt to just trying to figure out existence and in that regard, improvements/enhancements. So welcome to the idea farm (day) where I'll put out some of the ideas I've had over the years or even fairly recently in hopes to push the innovative envelope of any who stumble upon this. Humans are wondrous creatures capable of so much more than we seem to be content with right now. So, this is that call, to push forward toward that future just beyond the horizon!

Two Point Oh Tuesdays Number One:  MyDemand

"MyDemand" is a simple premise. It is a call for a world of entertainment void of superfluous. Upon growing older all begin to realize what they enjoy and don't enjoy. So why are we holding ourselves back by shotgunning the very experience that should be there to relax and relieve us? It's pretty ridiculous isn't it? If at the very least impractical. So, in this world where customization is a well-appreciated feature, why have cable companies been slacking so far behind? Why do they offer "variety packs or subject-oriented tiers" instead of just allowing us access to a programming schedule that appeals to the consumer's tastes?

Sure, the go-to answer is money but why limit ourselves to accepting something so drone and overused?  In the United States of America, the name of the game is supply and demand. Capitalist societies run on capitalist ventures. So, this is a rallying for the demand of an end to the old and an acceptance of the new. Content on demand. ALL content on demand. ALL the time.

This idea was always on the far reaches of my mind (years) but really came to the forefront as I began traveling the country to find that not all providers offered the same "basic package." Watching the growing prevalence of the online marketplace to offer the very customization I'm calling for, it's hard to believe the cable industry won't begin going the way of the newspaper (paper) soon enough. Cable is so overpriced as is and as with the constant renegotiations (looking at you DirectTV [dropping G4, AMC*, MTV*]) what lies ahead could only be this system of on demand entertainment taking point with the new generation beginning to assume dominance over the last.

So, simply put, what is the delay. The time for change is upon us. Let us usher in the new age, free of the so-called conventional thinking that does naught but hold us back, limiting our ability to evolve.


Mainstay Mondays Number One: Misogyny? I Barely Know Her!

So this is like watching paint dry I'm sure. The whole roll out of my layout, I mean. It's been over the course of what, six months or so since I started this little plan of mine? "Throwback Thursdays," "What's Up Wednesdays?" Well here we are with "Mainstay Mondays" now. And, just like with all the other firsts for a given category, I'll give a brief overview of what to expect from this particular topic.

"Mainstay Mondays" are generally for all those thoughts the float around my mind. What makes it so special or for the sake of argument, special enough to warrant the title "mainstay" is that these ideas will flow along the terms of what this site was originally created for. "Mental spring cleaning." Just new content that's not as personal as my WtUpWeds or as dated as the ThrThurs. So, without further adieu, here is the "first" entry in the category.

 Misogyny? I Barely Know Her!

Misogyny is a term that pretty much dictates the hatred of women. Don't believe me? Click the link. It goes to dictionary dot com or some other reference guide other than wikipedia. So what right? What's the big deal? Well the big deal is that this isn't going to be some long trite peace trying to express how I don't fall into such a category but rather a long trite peace about how there're plenty of great reasons why I should. And, not only that but also how the female presence in  my life in particular has all but groomed me to be so. Welcome to the Misogyny-Made Man. (Part I)

Growing up, there was always an infinite abyss of differing views and opinions but to such an extent that it was impossible to realize. That being said, there really are more people in this world than one can imagine at any age. There just always seems to be some aspect of life that continually reaffirms the miniscule nature of self and its place in existence. Now, I have little desire to dive too deeply into philosophy with this but a lot does fall upon the very nature of sentience, what that truly means in relation to existence.

So, then how does that build the misogynist? Simple, add equal parts inferiority complex, mass media portrayal and propaganda, then countless interactions with others groomed in similar fashion to believe the belittlement of their worth dare bring happiness and there you go! Now, this is perhaps where things get a bit convoluted. I do apologize but as it's mainstay I can't help if this begins to bleed into topics I've covered in the past and even ones I've yet to cover here.

Personally speaking, I greatly enjoy the idea of being with a woman. As time continues to move forward however, I've found myself becoming, for lack of a better term, more and more picky about just what type of woman it would be. I am by no means the greatest specimen of humanoid. In fact aside from countless bouts of discrimination, inadequacies, and underestimations I've found isolation to be the only calming and stress-free existence available at this time. Though as the Last Order dictates, my mission will not be possible in such a state so, interaction, no matter how stressing, is an unavoidable reality. So, what's so bad about interaction? What's so hard to deal with? Simple, people suck.

Let me reiterate, it is the negative interactions that color this world. Why it seems those are the most prevalent only helps to produce the traits that fall in line with a recluse. "Be confident" is a term that gets thrown around casually. The desire for a "Real Man" instead of a "Boy" gets equal play as well. Vague idioms that carry as much weight as "Be happy" would went thrown to someone suffering from chronic depression. Of all the sayings I've come across in my time, it is two that stick with me in this field of study. "Good guys finish last" and "It takes money to make money,"

"Good guys finish last" is a saying that used to hold a lot of meaning for me. I would take it to heart to explain my inadequacies in dealing with people and situations in which I felt I should be able to be on equal footing but alas would find myself falling to the wayside. It can make someone quite bitter to always fail at something everyone around them seems to excel at, and with such ease, but the truth is that, even THAT such limitation can be surpassed. To tweak the saying a bit, as life continued on it really seemed to ring true. Hearing women's reasoning for turning me down as being because I was "too nice" couldn't possibly do little else but reaffirm the previous statement. Women talk about how it's not "dicks" and "douche bags" but the "confidence" then make the previous explored comment and settle on people who very much treat them poorly can hardly be seen as little more than the hypocrisy so readily evident in this world. But even then, to hold fast to the original quote means to find contention in the stagnation that such a belief entails. But that's merely the female portion. What of the male?

Men will spew out words of similar faction. Truth be told though, their "truth" is that which is equally as faulty. The ones that find success are always quick to ridicule those that hold fast to that undelying principle of those who "finish last." They have succeeded where so many others have failed and say that such isn't the case which really is possibly the truth. Now we see the evolution. They aren't all "not nice guys" that are finishing. They are those that don't lack what others do. So the quote changes. It's not about nice guys or bad guys but a matter of those with the tools to continue that finish. First. And where are those tools? How does one acquire such? Simple, interaction which brings us to the second quote.

"You need to spend money to make money." That is, of the two, the better quote. Experience in anything goes a long way. But it is the negative experiences in life that produce such jaded existences. At this point in time I find myself burdened by two alternative. To settle on something short of my aspirations or to holdfast and steady in the hope that eventually the moment of truth will be upon me. Sounds a bit dreary no? But it is the truth. We can all be passive or active in our fates and though it may sound as though that is what those alternatives are about, such couldn't be further from the truth. The alternatives are about reality. And the reality that I'm positive that so many people have come to realize themselves. There are too many out there that are brainwashed into being the stereotype that those true individuals are withering away and at great speeds. I've personally come into contact with enough of the unsavory to, in my opinion, sate a lifetime. Women who care solely about appearance or wealth/possessions. But where and what happened to those individuals, those strong and independent who were actually as those words designate?

I am not financially wealthy or good looking. It is something I've come to terms with long ago. As such, I strive to accomplish that which I feel I was destined to accomplish. That said, I will not settle. I will not settle for those that message me because they've ascertained what I do for a living and see the potential in it to make their lives better. I will not settle on those who hold the branch of friendship (online) but then talk about how a membership and some money would "help" you two become closer. I will not settle on those who turn their noses because I do not own a car. I will not settle on those who don't fit my idea person but have shown interest in me otherwise. I will settle for the one who embodies the strength I know all humans to have and if that takes a lifetime or a hundred, that is the price I'm willing to put on the line. I find no beauty in those who lack honesty in their desires. I struggle with such on a regular basis but at the end of the day, I know exactly what I am, what I'm here to do, and that if I'm skeptical it's because I've seen it all before. So, until I see otherwise, just understand that it isn't misogyny. It isn't anti-feminist. It is the fact that there is better. There is the best. And that is where I settle. Nothing short of that could possibly do me any good.

--------------- END

Now I know this post is probably an odd way to start off with but later posts in this series will make a bit more sense in tandem with it. Thanks for the read though if you were able to make it this far and I hope that you'll be willing to offer some feedback because as I've already stated above and will state a million more times, interaction is absolutely necessary. Thank you again, and yeah, I guess, go save the world, there can never be too many heroes.


What's Up Wednesday III

Well it sure has been quite some time, has it not? When did the slump turn into a flat-out abyss off suck? If you guessed, "around the time the depression stopped being passive," you'd win the big prize! So what is life right now aside from all these questions?

Just. Utter. Sorrow.



This post is dedicated to the memories.


Hearing: "There Will Be Tears" by Frank Ocean


Saturated Saturday Number One:  Guardian.

Well now this is a new one. Usually I do a whole intro and stuff for planned, new, structured content but this, while new, was never truly planned and thus lacks the structure of the five day format of my original scheme. That being said, I guess I'll just jump right into it from here.

Today was an interesting day to say the least. I received a call from the world-renown writer and inspirational-ist (what so I'm looking ahead a couple years, sue me) Michelle Vargas. She has shifted gears and is now taking on the profession of Life Coach. Due to circumstances in my favor, I was privileged enough to receive a session from her. Now I won't go into too much detail about it but frankly speaking, it wasn't easy. In fact what it set the stage for this day is my primary reason for making this entry in the first place.

Now I was tasked to attempt an exercise which would produce unforeseeable results upon completion. Okay, sounded easy enough and though a little hiccup or three held up the progress, the initial findings were successfully acquired. Bringing this to now, two unexpected outcomes came about this day. An old connection was revived and one, seemingly, lost.

I received a call from my older brother today. We hadn't spoken in over a year and today he randomly called me as to inquire about the absence. He wasn't particularly pleased with my answers but I tried to be as honest as possible as to not belittle his intelligence with straight lies. The conversation, however, ended on a note I lack the emotional understanding to categorize. But I guess we're 'talking' again so I guess that is something.

Now, I also received another call, this time, from an old friend which really was just a return call from one I made earlier. Unfortunately it was just as peasant. The whole time I kept thinking about how something felt off. I couldn't quite figure it out. There just seemed to be some pulling away going on but I couldn't grasp it wholly, let alone a reason why until even later on in the evening when I received an email from that very same, old friend.

I won't go into detail about what they wrote to me but here I will display what I replied:


Ah, email, the purest form I know. Let's tackle this shall we? No issue with delays, it's not as if I'm going anywhere after all. So lets see what you're getting at. Hmm, I can understand the sentiment but please do try to see it from my point of view. No video has said, 'go email someone you care about to let them know you care about them.' The video in question only helped me realize that I don't take the time to express my appreciation for what I do have in this world and that maybe such has affected my ability to receive such appreciation in return. The words and feelings expressed are all mine, if not a bit sugary. But we'll call that optimistic instead.

So, yes, we did have fifth grade together. I know this because it was something I noticed in a class photo of that year. That and I remember an instance when we had some sort of class dance situation going on and I won a pencil. That is the only concrete time I can place you in that class. No offense but, because of that, I most certainly stand by ninth grade assertion as our "official" meeting. Now I'd just jump right into the next section but at this point of reading I already felt what was coming next. Even as we spoke on the phone earlier it was pretty apparent. Now I've chosen to do these challenges because frankly it's not as actively taxing as other tasks and there's nothing to lose but plenty to gain from these new ways of interaction. Interaction with people being something I've found myself grossly loosing the ability to perform adequately. So, well, moving into the next bullet.

I don't attempt these "challenges" because I have to. I do so because I choose to.

And, now we come to the part that I was dreading as soon as I started reading your reply. Distance? Okay, if that's how you feel then by all means. I do not understand the place where that is coming from but I will respect it if you feel that it's for the best. As I mentioned earlier, I could feel this outcome as early as our conversation on the phone. Perhaps even as early as last week. But hey, it is what it is. I don't harbor any ills toward your decision and just hope it helps. That said, I guess this is it for however long it takes. Be well and find peace.

- Guardian

It's already sent out and waiting in the wings to be read but at this point I've found myself with so many thoughts of TWO thoughts. That's right, only two thoughts are spawning all of this chaos in my head. The first thought being that this friend has decided to pull away because of my decision to take part in challenges set forth to improve myself. And in a message sent to express my appreciation for them, they replied with the exact opposite of what I had hoped to expect from anecdotes shared in reply to the initial video challenge. Were it simply silence, that would be that, but I was met with was what seemed like a request to stop being friends. At such a point all I could do was continue to speculate (as I am now) about the reasoning behind such an extreme response. Thinking about what had changed lately, wondering if all this was worth it in the first place; I began slinking back into that dark depressive state I knew all too well. It was then that the second thought rang forth. I wasn't the same any more. I still feel the tinges of depression but I largely don't have the same dark inclinations. For the first time, in a long time, the mission was more important to me than dying.

I've taken on a multitude of names and personas and yet the mission has never actually changed. Depression, suicidal inclinations, all that, but what kept me anchored was the mission. I really feel I owe a large bit of it to the new influences I've found in life. Influences such as Michelle Vargas. Her words, vlogs, and book, have helped me realize how limiting I was to myself. How it was fear that was holding me back regardless of the mission I had set out to accomplish. And, now, armed with that knowledge things just seem all the more clear. Don't get me wrong, I still feel the depression, the anxiety, the fear, but now, more so than in a long span of years, I feel the drive that started me on this path in the first place. I feel a sense of motivation to finally strip away some of the self-generated chains that have clamped down my soul.

This undertaking is nothing of ease but that perhaps is why I have to do it. So I may still struggle with people and even simple things like genuine feelings but the regrets, the failures, all that means to me is that I can't die just yet. And for this cause I'd fight for eternity to bring it to fruition.

Thanks "Coach!" And thanks also to CourtneyPants, Dodger, and essentiALLY5. Just a few vloggers I've come across who have dared to share the personal struggles. The stories all have shared and the strength of will and character such actions have displayed, has helped me find something I myself thought long lost. Something I'm ashamed to have forgotten so long ago. Something only stories of super heroes had articulated to me as a kid and even now still, as an adult. Thank you all and to any I haven't directly called out, I sincerely apologize but graciously thank you as well. Its been too long since I felt the need but here I now stand leagues closer to the old me, my core, free.



What's Up Wednesday #2

So if you're a loyal ready here then you've already probably seen how late this is. Sucks I know but well what can be done? Oh, well, I guess me not being a lazy a-hole...moving forward,

I had actually been looking forward to this "What's Up." You see, things have been afoot. Things I had been planning to finally get off my chest. Things to do with last week actually. You see, last week I went back to my hometown. I went back to the greatest city on Earth and though for reasons of legitimacy I really did just end up completing all of nothing but a renewed broken heart.

Last week, my first day in town, I meet up with a number of old friends I hadn't seen in years. It was, unnerving. My entire stay would've been were it not for the crazy but lets just address that later. It was uncomfortable to say the least but I pushed through. My life has been one giant mess of uncomfortable for a while now, sad to say. So we went into the city, a lounge, in effort to meet up with some friends I haven't seen in an even longer amount of time. Imagine to my surprise when one of the first people to approach me is her. The female I spent the end of my high school career and darn near half my college career obsessing over. Someone who, for all intents and purposes, was utterly unavailable. To me.

Let me preface this with something for a moment. We were close. We are still close. REAL close. I don't believe there are too many people left in this world who know me for who I was. But she, she knows what I was, what I became, and even shows some idea of what I am. She is amazing and she's the closest to love I've come in my life. I say closest because for me love is a two-way street. In my belief, if all parties involved aren't in agreement, it just becomes something along the lines of infatuation or lust even. All that said, she truly is so special to me, yet again, utterly unavailable. To me.

She's the first to approach me in the lounge. Not the first I see or who sees me of course, but the first to approach me. And she does so with a hug. She's drunk. I hold her in my arms and am instantly swept into those old feelings. My heart feels like it's going a mile a minute on a freaking bicycle. She warns me about something I'm too engrossed in her to register and then disappears back to whence she came. We, the "guys" and I, settle in to the little V.I.P. area that was set up and meet with some other friends who were there. As I'm debating what to do, sit or stand since again I'm still feeling that anxiety even though it had started mixing with desire, here she comes. Another dear friend from my past. On the plus side, she's just as emotional about my long overdue return. On the not so plus side, her "hug" turned out to be a slap. It hurt. Like hell.

Now the point of this isn't to tell the entire story of my "vacation" but rather to set the stage for this post. I spent all last week thinking about, yearning for, and acting on impulses to get merely moments in the presence of that dear friend I'd pinned over for so long, so long ago. I never actually stopped feeling for her but when she broke it to me about my unfortunate condition, I did my best to kill my heart so that it wouldn't make her uncomfortable. It was my nature to sacrifice after all. Just as the nomenclature I've come to identify with currently states. Empty Lamb. But this isn't about the darkness. Not specifically anyway.

So, a week goes by. I arrive the 12th. I arrange a meeting on the 14th. She catches on to the plan and makes sure to see me at 00:01, the 15th, instead. I make my way to the restaurant she part-times at on the 16th, and on the 17th I met up with another old and dear friend just to get stupid drunk and talk about her. I should've mentioned this earlier but she had told me she wanted to take me to the airport when it was time for my departure during the time we spent on the 15th. Unfortunately as the 18th approached she couldn't make it so I had to leave without seeing her one last time, with no idea of the next time I'd ever even make it back to my home state again. It was rough.

By the time my plane landed it seemed like the pressure in my chest was finally starting to return to normal. Homeostasis. Needless to say, this whole week, I've been thinking about her. Obsessing really. She still wants nothing to do with me in the capacity I'd always hoped for yet I can't seem to kill this. I know why of course. It's simple. Upon seeing her again, it was the first time I've felt those feelings in years. With the depression, isolation, and rage I've resided in, and have now been returning to, the standard numbness in which my soul resides.

Two weeks. For two weeks, so far, she's all I've thought about and I know that I need to stop but I also know that such action would mean to go back to the dark. I like being able to feel something other than the unbearable sorrow of a life of failure and regret. Even though this is as completely delusional as it gets, I feel as though I need this for fear that to let go would mean true isolation from the last vestige that keeps me in a place where I can interact with people in sincerity. It's something I've taken note of for a while now and simply put, I've truly lost touch. But, not in the generational way. My ideation has begun crossing fringe and is more than a little frightening, even to me. I fear I may not be able to make connections soon as I truthfully haven't in over half a decade now already.

In earnest I know what this truly is. It's the path I've chosen. It's where I chose to be but whatever humanity is left in me has the clearest of valid apprehension of such a transition. So now, in this limbo, we explore, we weigh, we wait till the choice has to be made.

Then, we step forward.


Throwback Thursday #7:  Naivete

Source via Xanga:  Posted 08/28/2003, 11:40 PM

Now that I think back to those days...specifically that time long ago, I can't even remember why any of it had taken place. Hmm I must have been only 16 back then...laying there half asleep, half awake...just barely holding on to the faint voice of the woman I would soon get to know very well. It occurs to me just how long I was laying there...felt like hours but probably only a matter of minutes. Hmm I was just laying there...sorta assumed at first, maybe even alittle scared actually. Hmph though after what seemed half a lifetime I just started to drift off...to not even care about the situation I had found myself in. 'Heh heh heh,' I remember laughing to myself...maybe even at myself partly. The pain was more mental than physical. It was funny how a broken leg, three cracked ribs, torn ligaments in both arms, as well as a mild concussion and all at the time I couldn't help but think about the possibility of someone finding me and taking avantage of me. It was indeed hilarious to think through all that, all those painful experiences, that at this time, as I lay there holding on to that quiet voice, the only thing that could come to mind was how I would explain this all to my mother. I shouldn't have been where I was to begin with...to think it all happened just cause I wanted to play hero. Taught me a lot, that experience did, as everything began to flash before me...the bitter cold feeling that rattled my body. Yeah, it all comes back now...not so much how it really happened, just why it did, as well as the reason for my paralysis. Hmm, I wondered what she was thinking...now that I really think about it, I couldn't even remember her face anymore. Ha! That's great! I bet my kids would love this story...they'd probably see their good ole dad as a bit of a player or pimp or something. 20 years after that experience, only 18 years since I had been engaged to that woman...the one whose voice brought me back to 'life,' so to speak. Yeah, we, engaged...funny how it turned out that her being the one that did what she did and me being the moron I was. Yeah we dated two years, were engaged, and two more years later it just fell apart I guess. Eh, it all brings me back. Yeah I remember walking by when I heard the scream...heh, I was naive then, maybe too naive, heh. Rushing in only got me to the semi-comatose state that was though, also the woman would became my first fiance. I remember all to well why death was upon me that day...why her voice was all I could hold onto to stay alive, why everything was so blurry as my head was spinning. Hmm, it probably gave me a little brain damage as now thinking back this is the only time it really hit me what had happened...about the time I thumb-wrestled death...and won! I was 16 years old, naive, and still thought I wanted to be a hero. Even now when I really am, I take that experience in stife. I rushed in when I heard a scream just to find myself on the floor. She screamed...till this day I don't know why but she did and because of that scream I had rushed in just so I could find myself on the floor, losing consciousness. She kicked me balls with all her might! ...shocked and taken off guard cause I was a guy rushing towards her while she was in the ladies' room.


Minor edits made 09 FEB 12