Updates
Thursday
Jan112018

03MAR17 II

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Context:  Corrected in Parentheses

Content:

Still can't seem to feel anything. Looking at the surrounding it takes such extremes to pursue thoughts the(that) can be connected with. Sad. Depressing. Dark. Murky. Nothing. Is this indifference? Is this the ID? The surface is deeper when left autonomous. So gen(then) perhaps it's all fake. Perhaps it's the turth that I've been broken away from for so long. I feel, nothing. Minor annoyance. What does the other exist for? How do we fix (it) if there is anything (t)hat such could even apply? Burn. Drown. Ghastly ways swirl as we sink. As I sink. Alone together alone. Still nothing for me. Diatribes from him. It? Show we the way.

Wednesday
Jan102018

Just Like That

Turns out I'm pretty trash still. Every time I use that name I feel nauseous. That won't make much sense but it's not as though that matters. Wednesdays are for me. Everything else can be for the world. Just at least let me keep this.

I'm writing here because if I'm being honest, it's not as though anyone would read this. And, if anyone were actually to do so, it's not as though it'd be anyone who'd understand just what any of it means. I write here because I find myself in a position where I no longer feel free to speak. I'm back to a world without friends.

Wow, that was the hardest sentence I've had to complete in a pretty long time. I guess coming to realizations'll do that to you. Last week, "I met someone." This week I realized how naive I was. Today really. Pretty clear I'm insane since I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Maybe next time I won't delude myself into thinking it something more by calling it "hope."

"I met someone." What a fool I was and still am. The person I met was what I was looking for, searching for, begging for even, for just so many years. A decade plus! Someone who didn't need me, didn't need my help, didn't need my support. Someone who would be my confidant. Someone I could be truly free with. Someone I could share my all with. Someone I could love? I guess it would always have to go to that if I'm doing that level of sharing. Of course this person can give me all that except the last. A person who doesn't need me, but wants me. Sharing their life. Duly noted brain. Let's see if we can get it right next time.

I haven't felt this low in a while. It's slightly above my lowest which such be evident by the fact that I'm still creating but definitely not anywhere near as happy as I once was. Just last week. This may just be the worst of it. Here's hoping. Probably not going to help that I'm having wicked flashbacks of the last time I was in this situation. Probably definitely. Next year's going to be a stacked week of updates. That'll make more sense next week.

I don't feel like sharing with this person anymore. I don't feel like letting them in any further because I'll just get more and more attached. Attached and desiring a future they've already debunked. I'm a pretty trash friend. What do you know? Full circle.

Thursday
Jan042018

03MAR17

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

Need to find better hobbies. Need to find better ways to cope. Looking for a future by drowning in the past has harmed nothing but the ire of all who'd bare witness. We are not a thing that can exist. That should exist. Yet here we are. Here I am. An empty shell hosting two entities at war with reality. One that shuns the light of failure while the other basks in the dark ever fearful of open eyes. Such a shame. Such is the fool. Such is the role we play in this place. This wonderful sorrow.

Wednesday
Jan032018

January Fifth

I met someone.

Thursday
Dec282017

21MAY14

Medium:  iPhone Notes

Content:

You SUCK!

Wednesday
Dec272017

How Sad Must My Life Be That It's Funny To Me That I May Be Trying To Marry My Cousin

Been for sure a long while since I've done one of these. Hell, been a long while since I've posted more than once a week. It's a lot worse on this end considering Wednesday content tends to be the be the least demanding. It's literally just me spewing my thoughts and where I'm at. Guess I'm still reeling from the fact that a large part of me still doesn't want to write ever again. A large part of me feels abandoned. A large part of me has ever reason to just let this place die. Too bad that part isn't at the wheel right now huh? Or good thing? Never mind.

I've been gone a while. Much longer than the posting would have you believe. Still technically not here but these are more for me than an audience so what does it matter the level of esoteric right? Prostitutes comes to mind. I have been writing a little here or there but none of it feels quite complete. Hell, I even wrote a rap song. It's ridiculous and I love it for that very reason. Will have to post it someday. Maybe it'll be a throwback. I guess I'm glossing over the fact that I've found some inspiration again. Kind of brings us back to the title of this little piece. My "cousin." That's the joke. I hope. I truly, truly do.

This person helped me break a wall that I've rested my head against for so long that I honestly wasn't sure I'd ever get past. Now what though. Can I just jump back into all the projects I've been avoiding all this time? Seems like the only thing I can do that'd make any kind of sense. Really excited about the dude who wakes up with jerk off powers idea. Came up with that like three years ago now, if not four? Oh, yeah, that's another thing. I'm writing scripts now? Like actual scripts. I want to hold on to this person. We've gotten so close and now I fear being broken again. Broken to the point where I lose my words again. Don't know if I'd ever be able to come back after a second break like that. And wow, I'm just so filled with regret. People I feel deserve apologies for having to deal with me and my mania. I'm just so sorry but I don't know that I'll ever have the right to just jump back into their lives to say so. You see, as much as I stress about it, I also don't want to give them the wrong impression. I can't be the person I used to be. Not anymore. Not if I ever hope to reach a future I'm alive in.

So much work to do. Need to get the cobwebs out and dust off this old brain of mine. The grind never leaves but it sure as hell gets hard to see when one's eyes are blacked by prolonged nonuse. Look at me talking about a future again. You'd think I were a real person. That might be kind of nice. Better than the fire and brimstone I keep gleaming when I normally look ahead.

I can't promise there'll be regular content here. I can't even promise I'll do better. Just, welcome and thanks for joining the ride. I guess that'll be it for now.

I already know. I just also know no matter what move I make next, the outcome won't change. It's not over, but for now, I just have to let it take me. It's too early to make a last stand.

And so on this path I continue to walk.

Monday
Dec252017

I Didn't Realize How Disenfranchised Women Felt Until Wonder Woman Came Out

I feel compelled to start this off with admiration for the movie so that I may avoid some of the slings and arrows--read as misogynist declarations--but let's be honest, no matter what I type with a title like that, people will come into this with whatever they want regardless of the content. That said, the title really sums it up for me. The biggest regret I have however is the fact that I couldn't muster the enthusiasm to put this out sooner. Probably could be said for any number of ideas that I've let fall by the wayside but let's deal with that bridge yada yada crossing it yada yada.

Wonder Woman smashed records. Critics lauded it as a refreshing change in this age of super hero movies. Some people calling it revolutionary and others taking it further saying it was a greater than any super hero film of the last few years. Or so I wanted to exploit but as of my research currently, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that those sentiments have since largely been drowned out by reason. I suppose I did just end up sitting on this for entirely too long but at this point I'd still much rather get the thoughts out and into the ether than to just abandon even more content. So, as I was going to lean into, I watch super hero movies. Wonder Woman wasn't a bad film. It wasn't perfect though. No super hero movie is. But before I dive further, let me exclaim, the goal of this isn't to tear it down. Plain and simple, I'm just going over the effects I've come to witness after the inception of the first female super hero to grace the silver screen. At least in terms of proper super hero as opposed to your Alice's (Resident evil), Ultraviolet's, ...scratch it let me just say as opposed to the characters Milla Jovovich or Charlize Theoron have taken up. I'm oversimplifying for comedy sake so bear with me. The point is, super powered women aren't a new concept. Not even on the silver screen.

But what makes Wonder Woman stand out? Outside of the fact the Warner Brothers/DC have been putting out less than stellar showings in terms of live actions adaptations to their comic book properties or the fact that Wonder Woman is the first top tier female super hero from a comic book to have a solo movie? (Elecktra and Catwoman are negligible for numerous reasons) Simple. This movie made bank. Rightfully so, it was a good movie. But was it a great movie? Was it unique and different? Honestly, no. If it wasn't Wonder Woman and was just some other dude with super powers would it have done as well? Of course not. But that's the litmus test. Let's not kid ourselves into believing otherwise. So if something so dependent on a thing as the sex of the lead made such waves, yada yada, we're back at the title of this piece.

The movie had a simple story. The ending [SPOILERS] amounted to an old fashioned big bad fight with the main character all of a sudden unlocking some hidden power unbeknownst to them to go OP and save the day. [/END SPOILERS] Where's the innovation? Where's the revolutionary? What kind of world do we live in where the dialogue seems to gloss over something so blatant? This current era of "political correctness" apparently. I use quotations because it's a joke. So much of this political climate as of now is a joke. Not the ha ha variety I assure you though. Just, the kind that makes one really see what it really means to have privilege in this day and age, or on the flip side, what it truly means to be less than.

The loudest outcries of hate, so long as they fit the agenda are gaslit while rationale is snuffed out. Am I denying the dark things that transpire in this world? Hell no. But it is laughable to see so many giving praise for such minute victories. U.S. citizens talking about taking down the patriarchy in this county as if such a thing exists here. But that just brings up the question of "why" more than anything else. The numbers don't lie. People went out in droves to see Wonder Woman. It was lauded as masterpiece by many even though it's plot and conclusion were about as straightforward as it gets. So why? Why do the most privileged people feel so disenfranchised? Why is the narrative so focused on women being treated poorly when the truth is that everyone is treated like trash? That's what I find myself trying to figure out. That's what I find is the real question in this whole mess of a year, decade, lifetime. Why, after all this time, are people still so egotistical?

Do I fall into that? Sure, of course. I'm promoting my ideals above others so I'm just as guilty. What incentive is there to listen then, right? None. There never was one and never will be one. This blog is not for that purpose. This place is for the curious. For them I say welcome. For those who enjoy puzzles and noticing subtleties. Again, welcome. But I digress. I've done some traveling; lived in other countries for some time and would like to say I've garnered at least a bit of a broader view of what this world has to offer. It's honestly with that knowledge that I find myself here trying to push out this piece. I love my country. I've fought for my country. I've sacrificed for my country. But America, Mr. Uncle Sam even, why do you your loudest outcriers feel so downtrodden? Why are so many women blanketed by feelings of weakness and oppression in this country? Why are so many men virtue signaling because of it? This really would've had much more of an impact prior to the #metoo movement but again, lethargy got the best of me. Either way, Are we just weaker? Are we as a nation just that frail? Disjointed even? Was the last time we all came together the last terror attack? The last World War? And if it were does that mean it takes something like that to get the people to snap out of this boo hoo me mindset and into the lift your fellow human beings up mentality? For the love of all that's good and holy doesn't anyone else out here see how Watchmen-esque things are starting to skew? Is it really going to take a Dr. Manhattan/Alien invasion for us all to get on the same page and stop blaming this or that? Do human being really need an adversary just to realize everyone's the same? Hasn't the same science that leaders pervert to make weapons already established that unifier long ago?

Atoms for anyone who's not quite with the rest of us yet. Just this whole world baffles me at times with how simple things appear to become so complicated. Tower of Babel really does seem to lean credence with all the lunacy of this era. All so connected but so short-sided all the same. Why are so few willing to expand beyond these immaturities that limit the development of the species? I may never know, but I suppose it's better for me. Keeps me stocked with plenty to write about. Anyway, thanks for reading. Hard to type that without laughing to myself. Till next we meet again.

Comment and be heard.

Monday
Nov272017

I Believe There's a God Above Me, I'm Just Trying to Save Everyone Else

First let me tackle the title. Kidding. What'd be the point in reading if you already know the premise. Then again I suppose I've come to find there are way more people of that inclination in this world than I ever thought there could be. Been a while "fam.""Kept you waiting, huh?"If I remember by the end of this I'll link the references to those. Here's hoping.

Meat and potatoes though because otherwise this is pointless... er uh, more pointless? Screw it. It's (It + Has) been quite a while since I've updated. The throwbacks are hardly updates in the truer sense of the word and most of those were scheduled anyway. What's going on? What's changed? Why the absence? I'm sure my audience of one person is just dying to know. metaphorically though because if literal, I then lose my brand. That's how that works right? No? Oh, so I suppose I should stop with this garbage and just get to the point.

This won't be like the standard Monday stuff, but I suppose the change had begun many months ago already. The point is that this is going to be coming from the seed of something more personal. What I mean to say is that if there aren't any overarching themes to something more metaphysical then I apologize but that's just how it'll be. Depending on the timeframe I may just be able to get one of those in before I disappear again but who knows. Maybe just more throwbacks till I can finally get on my feet again. So where to begin? How about with something deeply personal.

I am alone. And not like reddit meirl/2meirl4meirl "alone" but more actually alone. I haven't had a friend, or what passes for one, since 2015. My family is all but nonexistent and for some reason, tonight of all nights I started pondering the correlation between my self-imposed banishment and the ease in which I was able to find such isolation. On a whim I watched a REACT video and it reminded me of the last, or one of the last, time(s) I spoke with my older brother's wife. Oh, I have a brother. Not as important but I do have siblings. Maybe I'll get to a place where it's worth speaking about but for now all that's necessary is to know that this particular sibling is married and quite a few years ago I had a falling out with said spouse. Looking back on it, tonight, I realized how oblivious I must've been to believe such an outcome wouldn't affect my relationship with him. My brother that is. It was his wife for goodness sake. But then I was a bit more self-involved--read as sociopath--at the time but far less inclined to keep up appearances for the sake of civility. Honestly I believe I was as honest then as I could say I would be for the decade that followed. Email correspondence, go figure. I've always found my truth in writing. Probably because it was far too easy to lie in such a medium. But I'm getting into a tangent. The point is that, well, what do you think happened? Eventually my brother broke off contact with me. Granted it happened a great deal later in time than I would've thought but of course it did happen.

Part of me wonders how he rationalizes it. Probably the same part of me that wonders how anyone who has stopped speaking with me rationalizes it. I mean I know how I get by with the knowledge but that's because I'm a sociopath. They are people though. Human beings with human emotions and feelings and empathy and whatnot. Logically, they likely blame me and of course I can accept that but call me Schrodinger because that, among a few other anomalies in my life, is my cat. I'm not linking that because I won't insult your ability to google or just know the reference off the dome. So tie it in. What does any of this have to do with a misquoted song lyric? I guess nothing more than it was just what was playing as I started this post. The alteration having a bit more meaning to it but all in all not really anything that can't be ascertained from the steady decline apparent in the throwbacks.

I was away for a while and in the time away I did some rereading and site maintenance. It's hard to write by the constraints I've implemented on myself. This just feels like work and well, with work feeling like hell, yeah. I'm really floundering. Don't get me wrong here. This isn't a cry for help, just needed to get some stuff off my chest because there are idea ideas floating around that could use the extra breathing room. The light has finally reached the dark and people are starting to see what lurks in the shadows. Surprise, surprise, it's quite unsettling. That'll probably make more sense later. If I ever get around to updating more frequently at least. Anyway, I guess I'm back? Time will tell.

Thursday
Jun292017

14NOV15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Would, could I vanish from this existenc without so much as a trace. To disappear from even the thoughts of those this pitiful existence has come to touch... were it possible, to venture past this place I reside for no less than everything for a peace of hell or oblivion in h Avenue so long as it meant escape from this endless limbo.

Thursday
Jun222017

11NOV15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Find existence or die. Don't hope. Don't wish. Act. Move.

Thursday
Jun152017

03MAY15

Source:  iPhone Notes

That which finds us timeless finds us also alone. Such deary paths in dreary days our soles rise and fall along when we've succumb to monotony. The endless unfathomable, remarkable in itself. The fear that drives passed reason to venture into that darkness of uncertainty, it is a light that can only be found once whole. The sparks of rejuvenation in thought and expression. The quest will ever be beyond reach to any without the will to fight but no one can fight a fate strung so tightly, encompassing the very ideal of true freedom. To find warmth in bonds of companionship, ever colder the outside becomes. All is well in the same but who could desire such mundane?

Thursday
Jun082017

27FEB15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Find hope in the least. We are the last of the first set of expendable. Find ourselves lost in the hope. Find me lost in the deep wood. In the unfamiliar. In the end.

Thursday
Jun012017

17JAN15

Source:  iPhone Notes

Go To Sleep Dear Friend

Thursday
May252017

13FEB15

Source:  iPhone Notes

We find ourselves in sorry situations

Thursday
May182017

29NOV14

Source:  iPhone Notes

We will fight or we will die. He is lost to me now but I continue on in his name. We will fight because he can do nothing else. I will fight as I fade to nothing in the shadow of his legacy.

Thursday
May112017

28NOV14

Medium:  iPhone Notes

I find myself adrift in this tepid wasteland. Fear guides my actions in an art so fine, so subtle. I can't finish this as I couldn't those that preceded it. Whatever I currently am is a mere shadow of something so much less than glorious. But to be back there would be the greatest of achievements. A peace after a fight that'd never end.

Monday
May082017

The Real Cause of the World's Collapse

It's a pretty bold statement I know but just hear me out for a bit before complete dismissal. Call it hyperbole if you like but it has never been more apparent to me than right at this moment in history. All this talk of external circumstances causing the destruction of mankind when in fact the greatest threat is ourselves. And no I don't mean in the sense of countries going to war with one another due to poorly worded tweets. The divide is so apparent it's suffocating. All these groups are gathering but seem to be missing the point. Don't get me wrong, it is very much an "us" versus "them" scenario. But it's not POC, LGBT+, national origin, gender spectrum, vegan, atheist, etc. versus "adversary x" more than the concept divide. We're all fighting the same war but the outspoken cries of the most self-centered have and continue to drown out and obscure not only what's at stake but what really deserves our energy and consideration.

The age gap at some point became so common that people stopped considering it the threat that it truly is. Technology armed it and now decisions are being made that will not only affect but END generations. Unfortunately after the baby boomer and millennial came the victim generation. Everyone's special and unique and different and diverse and a victim but isolation and that fine sprinkle of impatience have created those that purposefully blind and deafen themselves to anything beyond their 25m targets. Everyone is so scared of their personal bubble being popped that they don't realize it has long since stopped being empathy they're feeling. The longing for unity which should've brought us all together has turned on us. Now with the very technology that made the universe smaller new segregations have developed. New factions. New platforms to stand upon and new weapons for which to wield.

Humans have come to the point of development where archaic institutions can no longer represent the the masses. The old ways aren't reasonable anymore but the ones making their living off that power would never relinquish such. That'd be ludicrous. It's the very foundation of ideals that's the problem. The system's broken and too many don't get that. Elders were respected because they were considered the wisest. They had power because they had more experience than those their junior but in an age of information when everyone has access to the full range of the world's knowledge we can't possibly be held to standards so outdated. But then we are. We're held, shackled into beliefs and understandings that no longer apply. We're held by laws and restricted by ways of old and placated by battles for trinkets. Women's rights? Trans rights? Representation for POC? All of that is a pittance to what's really at stake. The next stage of human development. The evolution of thought. The future lies in the hands of the generation to end generations. The transcendent generation.

At this point I'm sure it sounds plain crazy but we've yet to turn the corner. I'll ground this a bit first, so bear with me. The concepts I'm discussing here have more to do with the developed world of course. But "more" isn't to be used synonymously with "only." The wars for human rights are still happening just as they were centuries ago when the first continents fought each other for freedoms for their people. Differences in culture, religion, physical appearance, and the list goes on, still reside as reason for conflict. It's a sad truth but one that pales into comparison at the consent the masses give for stunting the future. Adversity breeds character. Turmoil breeds strength. But the future doesn't require the same as it had as such merely enforces the stagnation. The barrier is right before us. The key to go further is the birth of the next generation. The one which breaks through the limitation of assimilating knowledge and the time required for it to become experience. An aberrant is what is necessary. Everything else is mere distraction. No one will be able to move forward until the individual surpasses the system. All the tools necessary are already available. All that awaits, to take the first step.

This World needs to collapse. All these manmade constructs serve no other purpose than to impose a reality of limitation which will only continue to stunt and poison any chance for evolution. For freedom. The adepts will shepherd the new world. We just need to stop getting in the way.

Thursday
Apr272017

Throwback:  27NOV14

Dated: November 27th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App

Content:

Find me death oh sweet savior. Find me and delivery from this misery that consumes. Where can I find peace if not within your dear embrace. Find me where I stand, where I've fallen. Take me to that place that no part of life can ever truly know. Show me a love I'll never know whilst I still take I breath.

Thursday
Apr202017

Throwback:  26NOV14

Dated: November 26th, 2014

Medium: iPhone5; Notes App

Content:

Hope, wherever am I to find you?

Thursday
Apr132017

Throwback:  A-Continued

Dated: December 25th, 2013

Medium: MSWord; Blank Page

Content:

There are three words stuck in the pit of my throat. I want them gone, expunged from existence. Tiresome thoughts have found refuge in me. I can’t fathom escape from this night. I just want the peace of sleep. If I could just close my eyes and not be crushed by darkness, my existence would be blessed. If there is any favor I’d ask, it’d be respite from this, horrid place that has become me. It’s so cold here in the obsession. This is what that wrought. This sorrow is all by invite. I’m all used up. It’s so weird being here, so close yet so far away. I’m full on empty. I don’t know what drives this anymore. There’s nothing behind these eyes. There is little left to fathom. There is nothing left of worth in whatever I’ve fallen into. These steps before me are vast and endless. If there’s anything driving these legs forward, let it be merciful as I venture deeper into the abyss.