Source: tumblr

It's Official

I update this thing far more than I’ve updated my actual site! I’d say it’s a bit depressing but really, it barely holds weight amidst the other turmoil.



Source: tumblr

Sure. Lets Give it a Go

She emailed me back. We talked. I sent the words that title this torrid piece.


This is America, Thanos

You never realize how difficult it is to stay relevant until you dedicate your time to maintaining what amounts to a blog. "Maintains" is a bit of a strong word but just go with me here for a moment. There has been a lot going on, in my head, as of late. A lot of things I'd love to touch on. But then it's strange because I lack the time to give those ideas the proper coverage they deserve. It is because of that and this looming fear of relevance-there it goes again-that I find myself unable to commit the words. It's a shame. Why do I care so much about being late to the party? Simple. I feel like it's a waste to purport the same trash that everyone else is. It's a waste of my time and the time of any patrons who would visit my "humble" establishment here.

This isn't about click bait. My site, not the title. The title is for sure click bait but it does serve a purpose as well. I want to further the conversation. That's where things like this place--looking further outward--can thrive. The internet. Innovation shines there. Or, at least it can if we allow it. So why not?

This is America. And this is the link to the video. And everything and this and that has been said about it. But no one seems to be talking about the other little subtleties. Maybe my own experience helps shape the perspective; not maybe, definitely, but that's beside the point. I saw the video and looked at scenes where the children are on the rafters above with their cellphones that were originally on Childish Gambino move to the violence that propagated the background and saw that as a call to action. To use that "tool" which he so cleverly alludes to just prior to the scene in question. How those children, having their faces concealed, showcases that it's not a race thing. And that symbolism of the modern revolutionist and how it will be the youth that spark it, just all speaks to me of so much more depth. The bell curve of the piece. How it starts simple, the crescendo, plateau, and then the decrescendo which no one really talks about. How the turning point, again at the children with faces obscured juxtaposed with the ones that were surrounding him, remarks at the height of the "performer." Let's call it the "Ice Effect." Referencing the rappers, T and Cube, as opposed to the transitioned form of water. How they came up with truth and "realness" and then eventually became staples of "a life." Faking it. Actors portraying things and lives they no longer lived or ever had in some cases. Just how once Childish raises his hands without actually holding a firearm and his "posse" vanishes. How he walks alone to the sum of his work. A stable of vehicles. A pretty girl. His wealth, his worth, for all he did to get there amounting to really, barely anything at all. Hollow. And into the end as he runs in the dark. For all he did, his endeavors in the end made him no different from those others who fell before him. The people, America, uses him till they no longer need him. In the coming revolution, he'll have to pay his dues just as everyone else. His time is over. But Childish has rapped about things like that for years. And comedians of colors have remarked about it as well. That, even the wealthiest, most famous, most popular person of color is still just that before anything else. At least in this system.

So where does Thanos fit in? Sure it was a distraction. Sure I enjoyed it and would speed the money over and over again in any countless number of alternate realities. But really, the only reason it's there is because I had this joke sitting in my head for a few weeks now about how I didn't realize Avenger's: Infinity War was going to be a horror movie. Because a black guy is the first to die.



Source: tumblr


I’m pretty sure I’ve invited thoughts of fatal harm upon my roommate four or more times in my mind today.


Sometimes they don't finish at all. (11SEP12 V)

Medium: tumblr


“Nice guys don’t always finish last!!!” - Female’s headline on dating website


DHT: Welcome to the Cyber Era

Been a while since I've done one of these. Been even longer since I've bothered to do legit research beforehand. Reminds me why I don't do these as much. Okay, enough stall. "DHT" or Digital Human Trafficking is topic of this little jaunt. Enjoy.

The topic's coming up because of the recent passing of the FOSTA-SESTA bill(s) in the US. What makes this worthy of the 2.0 moniker however is of course the twist. The bills essentially target websites in what many have been decried as a misguided attempt to "do good" which ultimately, like everything else attempted by the current ruling government could be said to be, "...doing more harm than good." Sort of like that run-on sentence just now. There's more than enough coverage of the negatives of the bill. There's more than enough coverage of how the name of the bill justifies itself from the other side. But that's probably what brought me to the conclusions I'm about to share. It would appear that we've reached the point where the "crusties"--read as old crusty dudes in power--have come to accept, at least in part, that the internet isn't a fad. At this rate though it would seem like it's gearing up to blow the lid off what it has been all along. Another global power in and of itself. The internet is at its best a sovereign place or country. But, at its worst, the ruling bodies try to treat it like a tool or slave. It's laughable. No. It's sad.

So where does "DHT" fit in? Simple. One of the biggest targets of FOSTA-SESTA is based on the accusation that sex trafficking linked to sites is reason enough for said hosts to be held accountable. That makes sense on paper. But then let's release the part of our brains which is so ingrained in a "simpler time" and see the truth for what it is. If this wasn't already a market, it sure is about to be now. The new Human Trafficking. The new sex trade in the digital age. Cam sites.

For all that's said and done, it's honestly a lucrative business. How do I know this? I did research. Porn is already an industry giant. Internationally. And when word gets out about investments in the crypto market and ICO launches netting millions, clearly there's staying power for sure. So that brings us to the real meat of the subject. Who makes the money? Ideally it'd be the "cam model." But realistically, why would that be the case. Whether it be an offshoot of my own twisted sense, I implore you and anyone else to stop and really think about it for a second. What forces a susceptible person into being trafficked? What keeps them in that line of work? Then how would the digital space be any safer from such practices? The truth is, it's probably even easier in a digital landscape. "Out of sight, out of mind," right? This is but a sliver of the real world. These "lights" that are being brought to the dark corners of society are sadly doing only one thing. They're showcasing just how little the masses have cared to look at the life outside of their little bubbles. The world is full of sharp edges and the light just breeds longer, darker shadows.


I'm a Sh*tty Son (11SEP12 IV)

Medium: tumblr

Corrections in Brackets


Honestly this isn’t a particularly new thought bubble. I just hadn’t gotten around to popping [it] over my keyboard I guess. It might be strange, I know it feels so to admit it publicly, but I’ve never thought about my father when referencing the fact that I am a “son.” His death in my infancy precluded me from ever truly knowing him so it had never dawned on me that I represent him in that sort of fashion. I have had plenty of friends with fathers and even then it had never really hit me until recently. I am my father’s son.

Even now, a week or two after from struggling with the idea, it still sounds so off to me. Why is it so difficult to integrate such a fact? I just don’t get it. Even though I have all the respect in the world for the man, it just isn’t clicking.

I’m a sh*tty son.



Medium: tumblr


I’m not sure if it was the text message or the pain in my knee, but I’m awake now. My sheets stained in blood, I gave what would pass for my all this morning and even though I finally accomplished something, I still feel empty. Like I’ve done nothing at all. Like it doesn’t really count or matter for anything which, to be fair, in the the longest of runs, is probably truer than any sensation of existence I’ve felt these last 11 hours.


11SEP12 II

Medium: tumblr

Corrections in Brackets


“Greater minds than mine, I’m sure.” I actually used that in an email. The email I sent the female that started this whole de[s]cent into…mainstream(?), I guess. It’s not like I’m a “hipster” so what do I give a crap about whether this is “mainstream” or not. Yes, I’m quoting myself.

I wrote those words and knew instantly where they’d serve the most purpose. It was to describe how my speculations toward her reasoning regarding the sudden temperament shift were infantile. I was honest. I really don’t understand the why and was honest about it.

I doubt I’ll get a reply back. Or closure. Turns out it doesn’t get better, unless you’re gay.



Medium: tumblr


I wonder if you can channel the living? I had recently gotten into the Harmontown podcast and’ve found myself lost in the inflections of someone far my intellectual superior. They say the most sincerest form of flattery is imitation but what’s the point if I’m not actually any better for it.

I’m just even harder to stand now because I’ve become twice as smug, pompous, and liable to call someone an idiot.


00Alpha 11SEP12

Medium: tumblr


I started this…tumblr, for two reasons. The first being because I received an email a number of months ago from an unknown recommending it, [no link to anything or attachments for that matter, so it was hardly standard spam] and the second being because I was just given the “cold” shoulder by a female I thought I had fostered an amicable relationship with. [via dating website but still]

So, just like that, I gave in and joined the masses. This isn’t going to be great. This isn’t going to be fun. This is just going to be my life…so perhaps it just isn’t going to be those things for me…


Haze Jam


Hatred and Me: Reasons I'm an Idiot 30MAY13

Medium:  tumblr


I’m the second luckiest person in the world. Honestly that doesn’t mean much. It’s like being everyone else. Faceless, a silhouette. But only compared to the first. So what does the first have that I don’t? That’s easy.

Everything I want.

I’ve lived a relatively short life. But in that short time I’ve seen and experienced enough to make me dread getting out of bed in the morning. I’ve faced pain, sorrow, strife, depression and in a lot of cases they weren’t even mine. As a kid I knew exactly what I was. What I could be. And I mean that. It’s why I put into place a foundation that would serve to cause me endless amounts of displeasure and effectively hinder my social development well into adulthood. Never could suffer the easy route for some reason. I guess if you hear about nothing worth having coming easy you start forgetting that results aren’t always immediate. The good, the bad, it’s all cumulative. And developments are amplified therein by all the choices and decisions that preceded them, constantly ever evolving until reaching that elusive peak.

So what’s wrong with this if not that I must not truly want it? Why is it whenever I desire more than anything to ask the one question that may very well grant me all I could ever hope for, it becomes a matter of destroying lives? Maybe because that’s what’s at stake. Maybe because that’s very much what I’d be asking, to sacrifice others for my own happiness. She asked me if I’d ever ventured into erotic fiction…

It isn’t a particularly notable day. The sky is blue and the ground is dirty. Amidst a foreign land stands a foreign body. A visitor. Humble, unassuming, but quite nefarious. It only takes a moment’s glance at the clouds traversing the skies above before he begins his own journey.

She’s just getting out of the building. It’s an uncharacteristically long day. But all days she has to be in that office are long. She makes her way along her usual route. Soon she’ll be home and doing what she could use the most after such a day. Absolutely nothing. A cloud catches her attention. Unlike the masses, she wasn’t much for avoiding the heavens. And in another moment she’s back on her way.

He’s lost. Directionless. It all starts to hit him at once. Maybe it isn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe he should just turn back now and pretend as if the entire fiasco never took place. He mulls it over, his legs still taking him ever forward. He should’ve spent more time paying attention. Someone bumps into him. Hard. He falls back catching the ground by his rear. Whoever did it will get a piece of his mind as soon as he makes it back to his feet. That was the plan at least. But as he brings his eyes from the dirt he locks in on the reason he was even there to begin with. Clearly it’s a sign he tells himself. Now, just to make sure it isn’t wasted.

She’s waiting as a cab pulls up. Her routine. She opens the door but hesitates briefly before entering. Just the strangest feeling overtakes her. She stops to check her phone. She quickly dismisses it as nothing and gets in. The vehicle pulls off slowly into traffic. She’s just this much closer to her freedom.

He watches as she takes off. He’s stuck, waiting, trying to cross the street. His trip is seeming more and more like a fool’s errand. He’s about to lose possibly his only opportunity. But, he didn’t come all this way just to fail. Especially not when so close already. He hails a vehicle and before long one conveniently pulls up. He hops in and immediately exclaims, “follow that taxi!” The driver’s response is beyond him. A foreigner in a foreign land. His opportunity continues to dwindle. “Never mind,” he grunts at the driver in frustration quickly making his way out of the vehicle. Guess there’s the old fashion way he thinks.

It’s a slow drive. Today of all days being what it was, the roads are full of plenty of other homeward bound. Frustration begins to work its way in. She has a mind to just get out and walk. It is late however. It’d be irresponsible. The cab is forced to take a detour which passes by a familiar place. On a whim she decides to get out there. It’s Friday. She has till Monday before she need worry about work again. Just going to pick up a snack she tells herself. It won’t take long at all.

He makes his way up the street and identifies her cab. It’s stopped but not in front of what of what looks like a house. Doubt sets in. Perhaps he’s mistaken. Maybe he was chasing the wrong one this whole time. Would this really be it for his little adventure? He had to confirm. He made his way over to the car as the door to the shop opens. It’s her. And before he knew it, their eyes were locked.

She sees him. She drops her snack. She’s dreaming. It couldn’t be real. It couldn’t be him. She’s speechless. She’s lost in her own mind. The sound of her overzealous driver’s horn brings her back. She picks up her things and makes her way to the curb. She watches him make his way to her. She’s scared. She’s excited. She’s nervous. She’s mad. He’s standing before her. Sweating, a little out of breath. He puts his arms around her. She doesn’t resist. He whispers, “I’m here for you as promised my love.” She’s happy.

It’s a roller coaster. He’s just following her lead. Nothing seems as foreign anymore. Not as long as she’s with him. Her scent fills his nostrils. He’s taken by her beauty. His heart is a flutter. He doesn’t know where they’re going. He doesn’t care. Time had stood still. It could’ve been 20 seconds, it could have been 20 minutes. He places his hand on hers just to watch her pull it away. He moves in closer to say something as she stops, turns toward him, and places two fingers over his lips. “Not yet.” The words slide out past her luscious red lips. He’s not sure what to feel more. Love or passion.

She leads him up to a reception desk. She’s pure business. This is nothing, rudimentary. After completing the transaction she leads him along. She can feel him. She can feel what just being in his presence is doing to her. She isn’t happy with the surprise but it couldn’t have come at a better time. The night’s about to be a long as the day. Only this time it’ll be in the service of what she wants to do as opposed to has to do. It’s a quiet walk. She knows he has questions, but they’ve talked long enough. This night, there would be an extreme lack of it. They make it to a room. She turns to face him. His arms make their way around her. She hugs him back. Her eyes begin to tear up. “We should go in” travels to her ears. That voice, even better in person she thinks. It was going to be a sleepless night.

The room barely gets a glance as they make their way straight to the bed. Both know exactly what’s going to happen. They’d been dreaming of it, longing for it, craving it almost since the very beginning. She’s the love of his life, he thinks to himself stripping down to his shorts. He makes me happier than anyone ever has, she thinks to herself as she removes her work attire. They make their way under the sheets. The bed is huge and soft. There are pillows all around them. The sheets, overly festive. It’s perfect for what they have planned. He can see worry in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” he posits. “Nothing, it’s just, do you…have it?” The words timidly escape. “Of course,” he reassures her. Everything truly is perfect, their union has been long overdue.

“I’m ready,” she tells him. “I love you,” he replies. “I love you too,” she adds before the both cuddle in closer together. He places his arm around her. She looks him in the eyes. His happiness is apparent. He kisses her forehead before announcing, “Here goes.” And just like that, the TV comes on and it’s the show that started it all. Season one. It’s going to be a marathon night. They both smile. It’s going to be a long night. Certainly the very best kind.


Scratch Paper Thoughts

Haven't done a 2.0 in a while now. Mostly just because I realized after the last one that I've been out of the loop. I used to be on top of tech news but I've been grossly slacking. My resources are and have been pretty out of date. Needless to say, even my own innovations have been lacking as well. I want to get back into that. So here we are I guess.

Looking at the way things are going right now, I've found myself looking toward smaller innovations. Things to augment the tech we already have now. Broad spectrum stuff like the 'modular model' are on my mind but I can't say in earnest that such is something I truly want to discuss here. At least not for now. Still have to clear some stuff up in my head before I just put it out there so I guess I'll stick with a much smaller idea. I present to you, "AI."

Nothing fancy, I'm just talking about Artificial Intelligence. I know, I know, already a thing, but then I think there's the issue. It's already a thing but it's implementation is so infantile that it's baffling. At least to me. Honestly. How is it we have pseudo-AI and we're still having "disagreements" at a [insert highest level of government] level on literally ANYTHING that falls solely on statistics to find trends/patterns that can be used to determine efficient and effective measures for the populous as a whole? Likely the same reason why a robot apocalypse is very possible. Because the people who run the world (publicly) grew up in an age when computers didn't exist. And because of that, we're all doomed to be ill-prepared for the transition period. Not going to say WWIII but well, WWIII. This is the precipice of the next age. But this is digital. The lag behind will be like first versus third-world. Of course third-world will then be the equivalent to like tenth at that point though. And just like that we're slowly shifting into a Mainstay. Guess I'll have to re-brand and try again at a later date.

True AI has been described as being infantile by those in the field because common understanding (amongst the scientific community) is that understanding of human intelligence is still so limited. That's laughable to me. I keep seeing things like that--see such as great debate with autonomous vehicles tackling moral dilemmas--and wonder where the disconnect seems to be propagating from. At the core of computer science is binary. At the core of humanity? Generally speaking? DNA. Now I'm overly simplifying this but bare with me here. We're talking a difference of two on a scale that expands outward in factors almost infinitesimal. So, it matters. The difference that is. It matters and with it is the problem. Not emulation, but the expectation that computationally artificial intelligence would behave like that of a human. What the hell!? How? It's baffling to me. As much as it is nonsensical. But here were are. "Lost in Translation." I should link back to one of my more recent Mainstays but lazy. Okay, not lazy enough I guess. Anyway, correlation right? Miscommunication. There is a gross disconnect and, main point, that's what's holding humanity back from the next stage of evolution. Bold statement? Sure. But this is why it's a mainstay now. So close it up.

Full disclosure. I have been seeing some scarce but very real rumblings of like-minded individuals but they seem to be drowned out by mainstream. Or then again, could just be due to my outdated sources. Either way, feels a bit better to finally clear this off the mind a bit. Even though it feels a bit derivative and is a stark departure from the original goal but flow is flow. We just let it take us, so sayeth the writer or some proverbial BS and whatnot. Back to the reg stuff some ever. Take care.


The Moon's Night Off



Medium:  iPhone Notes

Corrections in Brackets


His name was ML. It was until his death that the true birth of Morribb Lehrer would come about. But it wouldn't be until the next death that Mael Lehrer would awaken. Perpetually trapped in limbo. That was the life of the lost black sheep. The pain and suffering were the only friends he couldn't rid himself of. The darkness drew him in and to divvy out what little substance was left of himself was all he had. To cry and scream and bleed; to surrender it all to the page was the best he could do to expunge it from his insides. He stopped wanting to feel. He stopped wanting to be a hero. He stopped moving forward and that meant insanity for certain. He was alone but shackled to the broken system that propagated the world before him. It was the most special kind of Hell. He just wanted to be safe. But he lost sight of himself and before he knew it the years had piled on. He had gotten old and his life had evaporated. There was nothing but barren s[urr]ounding his very being. His soul. It took entirely too long but it had to happen eventually. He would do what was necessary. He would say goodbye.


The First Paragraph Was Yours

It's easy to forget how much food poisoning sucks. Too terribly easy to forget. But then you get it and remember. That was my yesterday. Honestly this whole week has been questionably rough. It's my last week as a "free agent," of sorts, and I'm overloaded with all the work I have to get done. Backstory. I essentially signed a deal with a 'devil' so everything I produce after the 31st will no longer be mine. Not the best of circumstances but then again, there weren't exactly tons of other options available to me. Struggle. Fight. Kick. Scream. Never give up. The essence of the foundation my persona would be built upon. Or at least a large part of it. Yeah, it has also been a pretty heavy week of introspection as well. April is shaping up to be positively frightful. And me the very first fool.

You ever find a song that so encapsulates your feelings about an event? So much to the point that it kind of frightens you? Yeah, I found that song in the throws of trying not to expel waste from both ends of my body at the same time. Let me preface this by saying I've found "close," I've found "relatable," but then this is just eerie. Perhaps it's merely evident that for whatever it was, it just wasn't that special after all. Wasn't that unique. That it was, for all intents and purposes, a shot at normalcy. No wonder it was doomed to fail. Still looking for answers I guess. Getting back to zero is harder than anything I've ever done before. But of course it is. I'm trying to transcend, myself, essentially. I worry about all the things I'll lose. But the decision has been made. I can't continue on as I am. Not in this broken state if I desire to affect existence in any meaningful way.

Feels like I'm just stacking up on unexplored references. It's convoluted. I'm on to the next and that's a great disservice. Maybe I'll fix it in post. Some of it can just be rectified by links. Others will just have to be what they are I guess. I'm avoiding things again. I was accused of beating around the bush a lot. It's not wrong. For a 'writer' I sure as hell like to take my time committing words to the page. Not enough clearly since a cursory perusal through my backlog will find plenty of errors, grammar/spelling/otherwise, but yet I still continue to push. Maybe it's the defect. I don't like closing doors. That might seem laughable but it's true. I've always left a path open to myself and while it may seem as though I don't bother or even ignore things, I most certainly don't. When anything becomes strained, especially with relationships, I pull back and try to take more time to evaluate the proper words/actions. Seems like I got into the habit of saying nothing at times. Seems I developed a habit of waiting until I got to a point where I could find the right words to convey what need be said. I don't like making the same mistakes twice. I don't ever want to end things. Especially not those things that brought me happiness and joy. But I suppose that's naivete. I'm too old to still have that kind of hope. Aren't I?

Haven't had a beard this long in a while. I forgot how much I missed it. I already feel like I'll miss it. I'm surely at peak raggedy right now. Working on four songs, three literary pieces, stockpiling content for here, and continuing work on the foundation for what will eventually amount to my legacy in this world. It doesn't seem like much when typed out that way. I'm pushing through though. Past the pain. Past this horror-view future that's been haunting me. I have this uncanny ability to string together notes and make what passes for rudimentary music. The first time I put it into play on a larger scale beyond myself and 'friends' was with the creation of a mandolin melody. I'd link to it but I'm sure it'll be a Throwback sometime this year or next. Next up will be a piano melody. Using it for the back beat to one of the 'hardest' songs I've ever written. No jokes. Just laying it all out bare. Should have the rough finished by the end of this week. Need to find a studio or the money to upgrade my equipment so all this stuff doesn't sound like trash but seeing as I can barely afford food right now, I guess it is what it is. Oh, I suppose that's why I didn't make this into a separate paragraph like I normally do with new topics. Was accused of making everything a test as well. So many faults in one person. Of course I don't have any friends.

This should be far enough. It's all true but I suppose superfluous as well. I'll miss my chess partner. But she made a choice and I have to respect it. I messed up. It's always me. My fault. No one should ever be apologizing to me. For anything. Because at the end of it all, it's all on me. My interactions with the world have made that abundantly clear. I said the wrong things. I ruined things. I may be what one wants at the time but I'm not what they need. I'm not necessary. I keep tabs on the people I care about. Sparingly. I don't want to lose my connection to them. I look for happiness. I look for betterment. I always hope to find it so that I can validate my choices. It's a "catch-22." If they're doing well, it's because I "left," if they're doing poorly, it's because I interfered in their lives. I am better at a distance. That's the life I wanted as a kid. To do good but remain in the shadows. Why I idolized heroes. Why it was so easy to adopt an alias. A persona. Maybe perhaps even why it was so easy to have my mental state broken. Fragmented. The ideal versus the reality. But there was a third thing. Entity. The intermediary? Spent so much time trying to bridge the gap while stuck as the intermediary; stuck in limbo. Fracturing more and more. That's why this can't be that. That's what resetting back to one is. That's why it has to be zero. That's what worries me though. I'm electing to remove someone from my life. Truly. Permanently. The first person I'll ever truly disavow. I've said goodbye to two of the most pivotal parts of my adult existence and now I say it to one more. Though this is far more than a goodbye. This isn't for their sake like the others. This is for me. To me. This is closing a door. This is goodbye to me. This is where I finally die.

Goodbye M- T- L-



Another in the shoot I guess. This one is about the movie "Annihilation." Don't worry, this isn't going to be a thing. At least I don't think it will be. I just happen to watch a lot of movies. That and this one gave me reason to write of course. So, before the jump. Wasn't a fan.

"Annihilation" by all rights should be a good movie. Great actors, action, kick-a ladies, sci-fi elements, decent to great CG/practical sets/design? What's not to like? Put simply, the ending. The ending ruined the entire experience for me.


The end of the movie reveals that the thing that came back was actually the creature. There were no human survivors. Now why does that matter? Because it in essence effectively negates the entire story we're being told. Everything, literally everything is told from the viewpoint of the former Army Soldier/College Professor who turns out is a doppelganger. Everything is a little excessive. Apologies. The very beginning is credible. It's just everything after the "return" is up for grabs. And that is what rubbed me the wrong way. Maybe it's nit-picky, oh, no, it's definitely nit-picky and I am getting old so it's fair but still that just bothered me. Like, what did I just watch? Was this all just a waste of time then since it was clearly a lie? So what really happened?

You know? Upon further reflection, maybe that's the most genius ending ever. If they make an Annihilation Part II, maybe it will follow what actually transpired. That'd be pretty dope. And then the third could be what happens next. I'd be on board for that. Excuse me for being so presumptuous earlier. Though I doubt there's any chance in hell of that route being explored, it's still nice to think about. Anyway, there goes my thoughts. Thanks for the visit.



Medium:  iPhone Notes


Find me alone in the crowd. Find me looking for hope in all the worst places. I'm far from a home I've never known, along a path with an end beyond conception. At some point I'll look back and find myself stuck again. Forward seems so far away.


Wrecked My Savings, My Car, and My Chances at Happiness

Listening: TT0: The Journey Through

Goodbye Anne.

Figured I'd get that out of the way first and foremost. Could honestly chuck that up to something "I should've sent" long ago. If I'm being truthful, I suppose somewhere deep down inside, I thought there may be some slim chance or hope of there being an "us" again somewhere down the line. But well, given the circumstances....

I wrote of zero at the last "check in." Since, I've been trying to figure out just quite what that meant. Since then I've almost died several times. I took a risky trip in an even riskier mental state. Needless to say, I'm broke again and my car needs about three grand in repairs. It's funny because this is the only outlet to share that. There's no one else I can talk to about this all. I am alone again after all. Prostitutes...

Don't trust drug addicts, or something along those lines. I started watching "Breaking Bad." That was a line uttered toward the end of season two. Made me laugh and want to put a bullet in my head at the same time. I know this is withdrawal. I know it's going to hurt for a good long while but it's also something else. The something else mixed in is what's making this so much more of a hassle. If it just hurt it'd be whatever but it's like it's there but not there at the same time. I can't even force a cry. I can't get this out, it's just buried so deep that I can't even touch it but at the same time it's consuming me whole. What the hell is this new pain?

I'm not working right now. All I have is time. Time to dwell and it's ten kinds of "great." Timing couldn't be any better. I just keep thinking about one thing more than anything else. 'How could I have handled this better?' I felt the end coming so I crafted an out for her. Just didn't expect her to take it so soon. Just didn't expect her to have thought so little of me and my feelings and my soul laid bare for her. My fault for thinking I mattered. Been down that road already though. I don't matter, yadda yadda. So what now? Zero.

What does that mean though? Deconstruction. That's actually step two in the path but I won't be able to function much longer at this rate so I don't have the luxury of time anymore. I need to break down to the foundation before I can start to build again. Unfortunately for me that means This place may very well be going dark for awhile. Collateral damage. Or maybe not. Who knows. Just that if I do this right, I won't be this anymore. So I guess I can thank her for that.

A new adventure awaits. Never felt so ill-prepared in my life. The hallucinations aren't helping either. Still not sleeping either. But that doesn't matter right now. Have to keep moving forward. And with that, another important step. Goodbye Kim.

Time to start Chapter Two, at Zero.