Updates
Monday
May132019

It Was the Best of Times

I finally finished transferring my tumblr posts to this site. It was a hassle and a half. I never realized how much I used to write. Kind of makes me sad that I've dwindled down to less than half the frequency. Maybe I'm at a tenth? Not to say that they were all gems but I can't deny there were a fair number of "bangers." Heh, look at that, I got wind of the other style. Dancing around bushes and whatnot to get that "crispy" word count. And the influence of youtube commentators is getting to me.

Alright back to point and purpose. What makes this a "Mainstay?" All none of you are asking that question but this is the internet so I'll answer it for my own sake. See what I did there? Anyway, really, this isn't going to be happy. I'm preparing myself for the hell of it all. Reading through the past I found what I guess would be considered the second act of my murder. Coincidentally, the first act was on my first "website." Fitting then that the third and arguably final would be here. Can't link to the second because it's on schedule now and I don't have the patience to wait for it to start this. I'm moving forward. I won't wait any longer. So it's time to finally cut the last vestige of whatever I once was. The last goodbye. Or at least, the most significant one. There was an adieu to the influential female friends in my life, there will be one for the crushes, and this final mass for my family. Funny, "Take Care of Yourself" has just spun up on the list.

This was essentially the last of my brethren to make it into the fold and yet someone crowned himself the center. I believe I met him through the person who will be last on this list. I honestly don't quite recall. I just know that he was my brother. My boss at one point. And the biggest BS'er I've ever known. He was also the youngest of us all. Not like it was by much since we all share the same year but considering the other two share my month.... I don't know why I'm trying to pad this. We fought rarely but when we did, I believe it brought us closer. I trusted him. Even though best practices were to always believe the opposite of anything he ever said. I knew his heart. I knew his family. Well, to be fair with that one, I knew all their families. Not the point. I knew him. I'd put my livelihood on the line for him. I'd fight for him. I'd protect him. I'd protect them all. To protect them all I did what I did. I do what I'm doing now. Sorry. This is supposed to be about him. My dear friend. No, my brother. He broadened my view of the world. He was a big part of what led me to hold New York in such reverence. I was his Chief of Staff. He was Mr. President.

The second of three. Arguably I hate to say it but I think I've missed this ahole the most over the years. Probably because we talked more than any of the others. Even before I left for college. We just used to argue about the dumbest stuff. All the time. Dang, he was such a good friend. He was my brother. Ha, I never told him but I was always a little miffed by the fact that the girl I crushed on for the largest majority of my teenage/collegiate years had a crush on him. I don't think I ever held that against him but looking back, I know that I may have been a little short with him at times because he was the otherside's grass. I looked up to him and not just because he was taller or older (only by less than a week) but because in many ways he was the best of us. Universally liked, smart, talented, a freaking comedian, and of course good-looking if even girls who had a strict no black people rule were still willing to offer him a pass. I remember back when we got into an argument in English class. I remember crumbling his pen in my fist like it was paper. I remember him rushing me, ready to start something and our teacher jumping in the middle and acting hysterically even though as soon as she moved towards us we broke it off immediately. He was a dear friend. He was my dear brother. He embodied his AIM screen name now more than ever I suppose. I learned so much from him. He hated when I called him Beauby.

He told me I was going to die alone. In the years passing he would try and backpedal whenever I brought it (as a joke of course) but I guess he was fairly prophetic in those days. I hate to admit it but he knew me better than anyone else. I began to resent him toward the end because he had everything I dreamed of. He earned it though. He worked hard and got to where we was on his on merit. It wasn't his fault that I failed to make anything of myself. I guess as things started to get progressively darker, all I could think of was how I didn't want him to be right. I hated that he was. I hated that in my own story, I was clearly becoming a stepping stone. It wasn't as though it was just him. He was just the closest. I was alone. I was drowning in debt. I was flunking out. He had his frat and the woman who would later become his wife. He had familial support so finances weren't the biggest issue. He graduated. From the school I ran to, to escape the hell that was my childhood. The school that dismissed me and closed the door on me ever attaining closure from. This probably all sounds negative but I suppose it's because if I list off the other 98% of my time with him, I'd probably be unable to continue holding back the tears. He really was my brother. Even moreso than those I went to war with. It was up until last year that he stopped calling. can you believe that? Six years with no reply and he still would call to say happy birthday. He was my brother. He was my family. All three of them were. While together we were "Four Brothers" He and I were "Bad Boys." I hesitate but know I have to name him or it won't be complete. Who's coming up with these stipulations is anyone's guess but the time has come. The name I choose to leave him with is TMoS. His first alias. He was the first member of the CoS. He was the last one to make contact with me. I'll miss him truly. Uah Uah.

This was my family. There were numerous others who've had lasting impacts on me, blood-related family included, but these guys were my family. These guys were the ones that made me what I was in my prime. They were my triforce in a way I guess. My biggest regret is that I wasn't strong enough to stand by them in the end. But I suppose I'm not the person they grew up with in the first place. The one they knew, the one they cherished died so many years ago now. This is Goodbye to his brothers. Goodbye and take care.

Saturday
May112019

Changes

Generally speaking I usually try to devote some time to making things more efficient or run more smoothly whenever I get the chance to. Obviously I've been slacking when it comes to this place but that's a whole other story for, actually, I'll just say never. I doubt I'll ever actually get around to telling this particular story so I won't even set anyone reading this up for failure. Anyway, so back to my site.

I've been making subtle changes in the background here and there but nothing too extreme. Aside from the background/layout and whatnot but that's all aesthetics. Seeing as I'm running on an outdated platform (Squarespace literally does not offer much in terms of support for this version of their service any further) I've decided to try for a streamline while it still exists. Not to say I ever plan to shut this place down, but the fact is that it's from a bygone era. People don't tend to visit sites like they used to anymore. And though it pains me to say it, I'm a writer. Places like "Medium" or the like are more my speed. Maintaining this thing is little more than an exercise in narcissism. Like it's more special because it's my name. My brand. There I go bashing myself again. The point is that I believe, moving forward, this is going to be the best call.

So what bush am I beating around you ask? Simple. I'm finally trying to do something with the tag system. Though it seems like comments are still failing *shakes fist in the sky at the Squarespace deities* it just makes more sense to consolidate. I only have a limited number of pages/bandwidth anymore so really it's for the best. The categories will act as virtual pages and tags will be descriptors. Once all is said and done, I'll be removing the original splash page and reassigning it to MTST. I can already see how annoying it's going to be to go back and try to update all the links. Just updating cats and tags has taken stupid amounts of time but, I'd be lying if I said I didn't see any benefit in it all. This place, for better or worse, is the only home I have left. I should properly maintain it.

Well, that's that. Enjoy.

Thursday
May092019

14JAN13 "Sometimes You Gotta Go HAM"

Every now and then I get the urge to write long messages. I find it strikes me mostly when I find myself in my inbox. I find myself more nostalgic than anything else when I see the endless bits of junk mail that litter what was once such an important means of contact for me with those I held dear. I can’t say I never receive messages from anyone. But it is rare. Like, two or three times a year rare. I almost fell into the cliche of calling out digression. But this is free form.

What went wrong is always on my mind. I feel the itch behind my eyes and finger tips. I could write some diatribe, some epic, some just, garbage really, and spew all the nonsense I’ve been holding onto for all these years but I know what that gets me. I know what happens after that. It’s always the same. they always leave shortly after. I’m starting to forget what this was all about.

I have the first line of the next discourse in philosophy. I don’t know if I’m ready just yet but I think this may very well be the last of the series. If nothing else, I won’t know once it’s over just like with those that came before it anyway. This is an utter mess of confusion.

His life, as I live it.

Thursday
May022019

10JAN13 "Wright"

I kind of have to do an update at this point. My likes have reached that “magic number.” It’s pretty late though and I do have to be up fairly early so this is probably going to suck a bit more than usual. Sorry.

I realized, no more than within the last 10 minutes, that it was never about the physical intimacy. I’m referring to the girl, of course. Anyway, so yeah, it was never about that. Of course I found her attractive. Hell, most people found her attractive. But it wasn’t so much about that as it was what she represented. Or rather, what the successful pursuit of her would represent.

A way to foster an emotional intimacy. Something I’ve felt has been lost to me over the better part of a decade. Hmm, let me rephrase. What has been on a steady decline for me over the better part of just over a decade. She still holds that fire and if I give in to the remnants she can still reside as a muse but I wonder if there’s any point. This really just comes down to right or wrong. I’m not what see’s looking for. I don’t have it in me to pretend otherwise. So why not use what she offers until it fades into the black? She wouldn’t even have to be aware really. So, why not?

Because it’s not his way. I took up his resolve and even at the cost of my own existence I will do what I must to uphold his way. I guess, I already have my answer.

Wednesday
May012019

Remind Me!

I guess I'm a hope-and-dreamer type. Tom was willing to sacrifice his heart for the woman he loved. His happiness was so easy to discard because she meant more to him than he meant to himself. He was selfless in that regard and it really puts things into perspective for me. Wants are irrelevant. Sorry. I think I should stop trying to will this dream into reality. Maybe it's for the best. To be reminded that I'm just being selfish. Always making me better. Thanks for the good.

I didn't deserve it. I don't deserve you. I don't get to have two dreams.

Monday
Apr292019

A Strange Place to Put a Jelly Donut

For the longest time now I've found myself cycling around the idea that the me of years-read as decades now-prior, was the best me. As I've continued on into this place I currently reside, I've found it increasingly more difficult to, persist. Couldn't for the life of me find any way out. Still can't if I'm being honest, but if there's any truth at all, it's just this:  Whatever I was and whatever I am, don't matter.

I've been living in the shadow of a past I lived out. I understand that to move forward I need to accept my shortcomings and make peace with the fact that obscurity is the best I may be able to hope for. I get it. Truly. So what now? Simple. Just going to do whatever I always do. Regret. Hurt. Al the pain that's layered the walls around my soul will just have to do.

This likely seems like I'm getting "back on the horse," so to speak. Really though, I think I'm just finally leaving it. Been coasting so long it's no surprise my legs have atrophied. Feel like a baby or something. Just going to take this one step and, if possible, take the next right after.

Thursday
Apr252019

8JAN13 "Eunuch"

I’m three days into it now. Technically two but three nights all the same and I’m not sure I ever had a handle on “it” to “lose” in the first place. This won’t be as esoteric as they tend to be so, please, continue.  Its been difficult feeling sane for a good amount of time now. Like, longer than a decade, good amount of time. If that means anything I guess it’d be the explanation for why I am the way I am now. But, this isn’t really about that. not directly anyway. Yeah, not directly.

The first day wasn’t too bad. I’m lying. I’m always lying though. Everyone is so happy. Everything is so relaxed. Things are good here. Bad for me though. Bad because of the dire state my psyche was left in before arriving. I had a million questions and a need for the one answer that could squash it all, “what now?”

That’s all. What happens now. We’re friends right? Or do I just not understand the concept. Why do I feel like I’m missing something? Always. I don’t know if I can ever get past this. I don’t know if this is just a bad habit or something worse, just what I’ve always been. But that’s a matter for a time that isn’t now. Right now it’s all about one thing. The days.

The second day, things continued. This play was too much. Too good to be real. It’s like all of the rumors and talk were just lies. Were these the same people? The same big bads who were sitting around on their thumbs doing nothing while we, up in the north, busted our butts? I was missing out on a lot. I broke my own rule. I lost my objectivity. But then again, I’ve been losing that for a while now. Is this old age?

The second day came and went. It was better. But I still can’t shake it and I think I know why now. I’m too afraid to take the true next step. This can be it if I let it. This can be the moment I move. The moment I transcend the current way as I had the old. But two things are as evident as they’ve ever been.

I am a liar and I’ve missed so many opportunities because I lack the balls to change. I really am just the worst.

Thursday
Mar282019

7JAN13 "Things Got Weird"

I remember my last day there. It’s not hard to. It was only two days ago. I remember waking up tired. I always wake up tired if I wake up with the sun. I remember the cold. It’s always freezing in that room. That room. As if it weren’t my room. My room. Even as my fingers are the only one’s speaking the phrase, the feeling of discomfort such an accusation grants overtakes me. It’d never truly be my room. Just like this life could no longer be mine either. But here I am, losing sight of the original topic. My last day.

The sun was up and so was I. The worst part is the initial jolt. Putting on cold clothes sucks too. But the realization of where I am always reframes things. So, again, my last day.

There was a knock at the door. My presence was requested. Or so I was told. It was five minutes before my alarm would’ve gone off anyway. Well, five minutes before the first one. Time to move. Once I was “put together” I took a swig of water and made my way to the office. It tastes like chalk. But, it’s better than the alternative. I won’t express what that means.

On the stumble there I started to wax nostalgic of the previous morning. The one that ties it all together. The one I thought was my last until it wasn’t. You see, this is all about a girl. As cliche as it sounds, it always is. Even the lack of one makes it about one you see. At least that’s what I’m running with for now.

This may never end but maybe that’s how it should be. That’s how I wanted it to be. But, then things got weird. I liked her. A lot. Given the circumstances, even I knew I was jumping the gun. But it happened. Can’t take it back. But she just didn’t want things to be weird. Yeah, well, I remember my last day. I remember the last time I saw her that day. I remember the last words I spoke to her. I remember the last ones she spoke to me. Nothing. Not even a goodbye. But I can’t be surprised. Things got weird.

Yeah, I remember my last day. The morning that lasted until afternoon. The sound of the door closing behind her. The smell of smoke and fuel that mixed with the dirt and chill of the winter wind. She was a light. In only a short period I felt more than I’d felt in years for someone new. It was as though my past was finally just that, past. But now I’m back to where I started. Only, not so much. I started walking. I think I’ll continue. Whether this is me being impatient again or not, I don’t care. I’ll let them in. Start having friends again. If things end like they have in the past, then so be it. My only regret will be that I took so long to get there.

That all it took, was for things to get weird.

Thursday
Mar212019

28DEC12 "Shimatta"

Lately it feels like every single update could be started with, “What am I even doing anymore?” Not a great state to be in I’d have to say but I guess it beats having absolutely nothing to say at all. So what now? Well, lets be fair for a moment, I’m slacking off and I’m sorry. But I’m also an idiot so it should be expected.

Look, I’m trying to say this, plain and simple. I’ll start writing again. Like actual writing. Soon. Soon-ish.

Be well and find peace.

Thursday
Mar142019

24DEC12 "It's Not Cold Anymore"

“Things like me don’t get to die happy. We live in sorrow and pain; our deaths, horrific and alone.”

Those words have been littering my mind for the past few days now. I can’t really put my finger on it but I think that I might’ve lost my mind sometime in between now and, I guess, when I was born. But this isn’t going to be a trip down memory lane. I’ve done enough of that in all the previous incarnations of what this always ends up becoming. Sometimes I wonder if my brain actively knows this is getting convoluted. I’ll have to remember to ask it one day.

SO, yeah, the point of this. I don’t think I remember anymore. That’s a lie. I remember. I just no longer feel like sharing. I’m miserable. No surprises there. “I, I, I.” What should I be doing right now is what’s most paramount. It’s not this. Great, “this,” just like the last couple are going to make about as much sense as a “hang-gliding whore-house.

I plan on pushing myself to death. If I survive, maybe I’ll finally be good enough. For someone. For the mission. For the fate this path I’ve chosen plans to bestow upon me. There it goes again, being convoluted.

I hate my writing. I hate myself.

Thursday
Mar072019

20DEC12 "Thrice"

It honestly feels as though perhaps this could be the best of days. The end, that is. There’s been this recurring phrase floating around my head the last few, months.

“I watch the world burn and all I think is, ‘maybe I’ll finally find some peace’”

The significance is hardly elusive. It doesn’t take genius to tell. I’m tired. I’m exhausted and unsure if there really is anything else I have to offer. Surprise, surprise, I’m sure. Just what the hell am I even doing any more?

Thursday
Feb282019

15DEC12 "Untitled Part Two"

There it is. Things have found a new route yet again. Here we are. Here we go.

She said she missed me and just like that, I’m back where I started. She’s not right for me. Not in the least. But now I’m infatuated again. I’m struggling with the desire to compose music and poetry in her name. I honestly just can’t tell if it’s because of this place or if I’ve just reached the end of yet another rope.

It’d be great if that helped.

Thursday
Feb212019

14DEC12 "Untitled"

There’s a lot on my mind. There always is really but lately I’ve done little but let it pile up. It’s not great. It’s like being mentally constipated. It’s there but it’s not coming out. I need something. Help, maybe? Something.

Thursday
Feb142019

28NOV12 "Michelle Vargas"

Honestly, I had planned on probably delving back into the depressive state my mind tends to linger in but then I found something a bit more profound. I had left a message a while back–read as before I left the country–for a youtube personality, life coach extraordinaire, and all around awesome person, Michelle Vargas and lo and behold, she had actually replied back. I didn’t realize it because, well, put simply, I’m t'umb–read as tumblr-dumb or not well versed in the tumblr interface.

So, well, that’s what’s up now. I don’t know why but everything feels different now. Like this was that one sign I needed and at the time I needed it most, to be reminded that this isn’t the end. Not like “the end,” end but just that the whole point of this isn’t for naught. If I continue on, if I keep trying to reach out, maybe, just maybe I will find that one person.

So, lets give this back a go.

Thursday
Feb072019

01NOV12 "90% of the World Is Sticky"

I came up with that in the tower. “Came up with” is probably more of an over exaggeration than I can convey but just go with me on this for a moment. Everything and everyone seems to want to attach to everything and every one.

And just like that I just lost it all. So. Sad.

Thursday
Oct252018

Well

Source: tumblr

27NOV12

…I just so happen to feel like crap again. Its been a while since I’ve written so I figured, I might as well. It’s not as though things have been going well in my absence. This isn’t a journal type of situation. I’ve just been, for lack of a better expression, off.

I started "The War, A Way" and stopped at chapter three. It was so strong and I was so motivated, yet now I’m, back to being what I’ve forever and a day circled. I was about to say something depressing just then. Something I feel or better yet felt about my self. Something I probably still feel. But, as I’ve stated before, I don’t have the luxury anymore. The mission has already started.

I’ve been behind this whole time, waiting for some kind of bell or whistle or just anything to signal the role I’m to play. It was foolish to think it’d be that easy. A fight like this? With stakes so high? How could I have been so blind all this time?

Simple. I fell pray to the very thing that I’d been trying to escape. Getting stuck in a rut. Becoming old, no. To loose the ability to adapt. So here I am. Maybe it’s already too late. I mean really, just what the hell can I even expect to accomplish at this point? Doesn’t matter really. Never did, probably. I’m just supposed to fight.

So. I. Will. Fight.

Thursday
Oct182018

Last Philosophy (Broken) 09JUNE13

Medium: tumblr

Content:

MTL isn’t a name at all. It’s a legacy. The boundless world before us is a mere shadow of the power individuals carry within. To trust another can elevate but to trust one’s self will produce ascension. The one great truth is that everything is true. True as they are true, as true as they are lies. Disbelief, akin to time, serves solely to chronicle one moment to the next. In the end we are all merely existing, just, everywhere at once. There is a great will that guides us. It has many names. It has many faces. But in the end, it serves but one purpose. To find peace. A perversion of such that taints all who are reared has contaminated this world however. It is because of such that things that surpass the means of the rational develop. Beings that defy the false-sense of order perpetrated by man of old and upheld by those of new. Those, that pass on spawned the ether, are amalgams of the one truth that even such corruption can’t extinguish. They represent the will of life, of existence. They are the return to that pure state which all come to find in the wisdom granted by a lifetime of experience. They, like the shadow that looms, brought on by such archaic fears long forgotten, purport to influence the all that surrounds. And they progress as unaware as they are driven to an end they can neither grasp nor comprehend. The all exists within us as it does them. The only variance is acceptance. The truth will never change and they will continue on until a new dawn arises. One incapable of their necessity. The truest world, unhindered by doubt, empowered and enlightened.

Thursday
Oct112018

Bloody

Source: tumblr

15NOV12

Just what am I even doing anymore?

Thursday
Oct042018

Expletive Deleted

Source: tumblr

05NOV12

Sometimes, I just feel like swearing. On an average basis or maybe just to the extremely conservative, I’m pretty sure I do.

Crap, dinner time. Whelp, that probably would’ve sucked anyway, take care!

Thursday
Sep272018

Any One

Source: tumblr

03NOV12

HELP ME! Please