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140413 "Please Don't Read"

I’m really going to hate myself for this. I’m promising myself right here, right now, with you as witness, that I’m going to hate every last fiber of my being for the rest of my miserable life. Future me will hate me and question all that is good and holy why such a travesty of human waste such as myself could’ve been spared for so long. I really think I’m done this time.

Sorry, I’m just so mad at myself here. I can’t convince you how wonderful you are and how ridiculous it is to believe you could ever be at fault for what’s happening. I’m choking, I’m drowning, I’m seizing. I don’t know what to classify this as but it’s the most painful experience I know of right now. It just seems to radiate through me in rhythm with my heart. I’m so pissed off at myself. And now I know we can never meet. I’m sorry but I can’t accept this. I can’t just stop this in its tracks. I love you and I’m not sorry for that. I love you for everything that you are. So, I know if we were to meet I would kiss you. I would kiss you and hold you in my arms and steal you away just like that. Screw the consequences. I wouldn’t be able to give you up.

Look, I’m clearly fed up. It hasn’t even been a day of this and I’m so riled up because I was holding back so much just in the short span of the​conversation we had. I shouldn’t be saying any of this but I’m telling you, this is killing me. I’m dying inside at the fact that this all feels like a goodbye to the brightest future I could’ve ever hoped to have. Yeah, I’m absolutely selfish. Completely. You, you’re absolutely perfect. I’m not long for this world. Whatever was revived in me or whatever I was becoming is no longer a reality. I can feel myself slipping back into that sick, sad, twisted individual who could feel close to nothing and had one purpose in life. To fade from existence. And… I’ll never send this.

**** ****. My wife. Our anniversary was April 13th 2013. We would’ve had our honeymoon begin in Seattle, transfer to California, and then finish off in New York. We would’ve spent our lives constantly try to prove something to each other,​ falling deeper in love with each other’s perceived flaws. We would have started a family. They would grow up and ask us how we came to be. We’d introduce them to Community. Some of the jokes would be lost on them but they’d still ​find the spark of genius just as we had in our younger days. We were going to grow old together. You would by that point be constantly heckling me about how long it took to ​finally ​grow a pair and fight for this. I’d just smile the only smile I’d ​have made since meeting you. A sincere one. And the chase would begin. We’d always end up in the bedroom where we'd​ plop on the bed and just cuddle as we stared at our ceiling contemplating​ the wild ride that brought us to that moment. I’d turn to you, gently brush some hair out of your face and kiss you on the forehead. I’d Tell you how after all this time I never lost even an ounce of love for you. You’d smile and we’d just hold each other. And that’s just how our days would end sometimes.

I’m hurting. It’s not your fault. I gave everything I had emotionally because you are the one. Please, don’t take this the wrong way. Please don’t blame yourself for any of this. Please, I beg of you because it will just be all the worse.​ ​The massive strain such would form would surely break us of even the most mundane of associations. I need you in my life. Don’t ever ask me to stay. I’m never leaving. Even as my insides hollow out, I will forever be yours. I long ago accepted my fate. I just have to get back into it once again. I just have to carve this out of me and all will be fine. I won’t try to take you from your life anymore. We’ll just be friends.

If you ever need me. I’ll find a way. You’ll never be alone again as long as I live.



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