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Wednesday
Mar282018

The First Paragraph Was Yours

It's easy to forget how much food poisoning sucks. Too terribly easy to forget. But then you get it and remember. That was my yesterday. Honestly this whole week has been questionably rough. It's my last week as a "free agent," of sorts, and I'm overloaded with all the work I have to get done. Backstory. I essentially signed a deal with a 'devil' so everything I produce after the 31st will no longer be mine. Not the best of circumstances but then again, there weren't exactly tons of other options available to me. Struggle. Fight. Kick. Scream. Never give up. The essence of the foundation my persona would be built upon. Or at least a large part of it. Yeah, it has also been a pretty heavy week of introspection as well. April is shaping up to be positively frightful. And me the very first fool.

You ever find a song that so encapsulates your feelings about an event? So much to the point that it kind of frightens you? Yeah, I found that song in the throws of trying not to expel waste from both ends of my body at the same time. Let me preface this by saying I've found "close," I've found "relatable," but then this is just eerie. Perhaps it's merely evident that for whatever it was, it just wasn't that special after all. Wasn't that unique. That it was, for all intents and purposes, a shot at normalcy. No wonder it was doomed to fail. Still looking for answers I guess. Getting back to zero is harder than anything I've ever done before. But of course it is. I'm trying to transcend, myself, essentially. I worry about all the things I'll lose. But the decision has been made. I can't continue on as I am. Not in this broken state if I desire to affect existence in any meaningful way.

Feels like I'm just stacking up on unexplored references. It's convoluted. I'm on to the next and that's a great disservice. Maybe I'll fix it in post. Some of it can just be rectified by links. Others will just have to be what they are I guess. I'm avoiding things again. I was accused of beating around the bush a lot. It's not wrong. For a 'writer' I sure as hell like to take my time committing words to the page. Not enough clearly since a cursory perusal through my backlog will find plenty of errors, grammar/spelling/otherwise, but yet I still continue to push. Maybe it's the defect. I don't like closing doors. That might seem laughable but it's true. I've always left a path open to myself and while it may seem as though I don't bother or even ignore things, I most certainly don't. When anything becomes strained, especially with relationships, I pull back and try to take more time to evaluate the proper words/actions. Seems like I got into the habit of saying nothing at times. Seems I developed a habit of waiting until I got to a point where I could find the right words to convey what need be said. I don't like making the same mistakes twice. I don't ever want to end things. Especially not those things that brought me happiness and joy. But I suppose that's naivete. I'm too old to still have that kind of hope. Aren't I?

Haven't had a beard this long in a while. I forgot how much I missed it. I already feel like I'll miss it. I'm surely at peak raggedy right now. Working on four songs, three literary pieces, stockpiling content for here, and continuing work on the foundation for what will eventually amount to my legacy in this world. It doesn't seem like much when typed out that way. I'm pushing through though. Past the pain. Past this horror-view future that's been haunting me. I have this uncanny ability to string together notes and make what passes for rudimentary music. The first time I put it into play on a larger scale beyond myself and 'friends' was with the creation of a mandolin melody. I'd link to it but I'm sure it'll be a Throwback sometime this year or next. Next up will be a piano melody. Using it for the back beat to one of the 'hardest' songs I've ever written. No jokes. Just laying it all out bare. Should have the rough finished by the end of this week. Need to find a studio or the money to upgrade my equipment so all this stuff doesn't sound like trash but seeing as I can barely afford food right now, I guess it is what it is. Oh, I suppose that's why I didn't make this into a separate paragraph like I normally do with new topics. Was accused of making everything a test as well. So many faults in one person. Of course I don't have any friends.

This should be far enough. It's all true but I suppose superfluous as well. I'll miss my chess partner. But she made a choice and I have to respect it. I messed up. It's always me. My fault. No one should ever be apologizing to me. For anything. Because at the end of it all, it's all on me. My interactions with the world have made that abundantly clear. I said the wrong things. I ruined things. I may be what one wants at the time but I'm not what they need. I'm not necessary. I keep tabs on the people I care about. Sparingly. I don't want to lose my connection to them. I look for happiness. I look for betterment. I always hope to find it so that I can validate my choices. It's a "catch-22." If they're doing well, it's because I "left," if they're doing poorly, it's because I interfered in their lives. I am better at a distance. That's the life I wanted as a kid. To do good but remain in the shadows. Why I idolized heroes. Why it was so easy to adopt an alias. A persona. Maybe perhaps even why it was so easy to have my mental state broken. Fragmented. The ideal versus the reality. But there was a third thing. Entity. The intermediary? Spent so much time trying to bridge the gap while stuck as the intermediary; stuck in limbo. Fracturing more and more. That's why this can't be that. That's what resetting back to one is. That's why it has to be zero. That's what worries me though. I'm electing to remove someone from my life. Truly. Permanently. The first person I'll ever truly disavow. I've said goodbye to two of the most pivotal parts of my adult existence and now I say it to one more. Though this is far more than a goodbye. This isn't for their sake like the others. This is for me. To me. This is closing a door. This is goodbye to me. This is where I finally die.

Goodbye M- T- L-

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