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Thursday
Aug162018

Garbadge

Source: tumblr

16OCT12

I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m garbage. Surprisingly it makes the day go by so much smoother. I wear it like a badge at this point. It’s my “YOLO” though “YOGFO” would be far more accurate. See? And with that I’ve tied the title to the content. Now what else is there to write?

A lot can be ascertained about a person from the way they write. I personally enjoy tumblogs that are picture heavy than not and the fact that mine is the opposite I think truly reflects that. I can’t stand myself and create things I also can’t stand. But I have to stay honest. I have to stay true to what’s inside.

This was never about gaining an audience. This was about finding that kindred. That one to prove I’m not alone. So far, no luck. So, I continue to write.

Thursday
Aug092018

For Another Last Time

Source: tumblr

15OCT12

Still feeling pretty crappy. I follow enough people in the “good will” business to know that I’m doing this all wrong. Really, really wrong. I’m holding back. Isolating myself. Closing myself off from the world I’ve come to exist within and consciously pushing everything that even resembles sincerity or kindness away. I know all this and I continue to do it. I even know why.

But, I guess that’ll be for another time.

Thursday
Aug022018

A While

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11OCT12

It’s not as though it has really been all that long since the last post. Then again it would appear as though I’m giving this far more attention than any tangible outlets so, that may very well be the reason.

I’m writing again. Well, sort of. I hate myself for any number of reasons but really this focus is on the fact that without inspiration I’m no more than mute. I end up regurgitating the same crap till I’m blue in the face, go for long absences, and then eventually return to spew the same stuff all over again except it feels new because I forget due to all the time spent avoiding the issue. But that’s my whole life isn’t it?

What’s the point is really what I’m getting at. I think? I don’t know. I’m just tired I guess. I just deleted a reference to suicide. Time to call this closed.

Thursday
Jul262018

Still So Low

Source: tumblr

Dated: 01OCT12

Still feeling down. Hasn’t really gotten worse. Just don’t feel good in the slightest. Pissed off every day. The job comes first but at the end of the day I hardly have the time to pull myself back together. When this is finally over, I’m pretty sure I’m going to have to take a long sabbatical if there’s any part of my psyche even left to recover.

Thursday
Jul192018

#AFG

Source: tumblr

Dated: 30SEP12

Away From Ground. Feels like I’m falling again. Can’t say much else. Everything seems to want me to believe I’m less than garbage. Maybe it’s a sign. Maybe I am.

Thursday
Jul122018

"I'm in the dirt and in the gutter...

Source: tumblr

Dated: 28SEP12

...clearly this can’t be my life.“ - The Dears - There Goes My Outfit

So yeah, I’m kind of in a third world country right now. Weird how that works out huh?

Thursday
Jul052018

Leaving Soon

Source: tumblr

Dated: 15SEP12

Once again it seems like the weight of the world has begun to rest on my shoulders. The call has been made and but a new breed is necessary. A stronger, more adaptable, more intelligent breed. As greatly as things have changed however, there appears to be one requirement that never does. Will. The will to persevere. Everything else is just excess.

Thursday
Jun282018

#IMDOINGITWRONG (13SEP12)

Source: tumblr

Close...

But no cigar. Story of my life. But I guess that’s fine. It’s not like I smoke anyway.

Thursday
Jun212018

#ITDOESNTGETBETTER (13SEP12)

Source: tumblr

Nothing New

French tips have been ruined by porn for me. Now whenever I see a female sporting the signature style I no longer find them attractive. Maybe that’s an exaggeration. Okay, it is an exaggeration. Really, I just feel their attractiveness quotient has diminished. Nothing more, nothing less.

Digging deeper though, it’s not just that. For a while now it’s become more apparent that I never seem to find myself on the same page with women in terms of style/fashion. I see ones dawning animal print and just think tacky. Weaves/etc. and by extension [pun] eyelashes, nails (all fake), and just think, unnecessary. Same goes for makeup really. I just don’t see the point or better yet don’t see how that’s a thing.

I reminisce about simpler times. Minimal makeup because ladies, you’re already beautiful. Emphasizing one’s real hair, because unless you have an ailment or deficiency, it grows to whatever length you desire eventually.

The list could go on but the point is made. It just seems like I’m on a different page, or maybe just in the wrong era. It’s not just the media that makes people hate themselves for what they have, it’s other people. I know I don’t fit it or rather feel as though I do. Abrupt ending.

Thursday
Jun142018

#IMDOINGITWRONG (13SPE12)

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Order

I figure I’ll try and be more consistent with titling from now on. To be honest, I don’t think I really care but then again, something-something poignant about a world/life/other such mundane metaphor with guns sans triggers and the chaos that ensues.

But what if there wasn’t chaos? No one would even notice if that’s the way it had always been.

Thursday
Jun072018

#ITDOESNTGETBETTER (12SEP12)

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It's Official

I update this thing far more than I’ve updated my actual site! I’d say it’s a bit depressing but really, it barely holds weight amidst the other turmoil.

Thursday
May312018

#IMDOINGITWRONG (11SEP12)

Source: tumblr

Sure. Lets Give it a Go

She emailed me back. We talked. I sent the words that title this torrid piece.

Monday
May282018

This is America, Thanos

You never realize how difficult it is to stay relevant until you dedicate your time to maintaining what amounts to a blog. "Maintains" is a bit of a strong word but just go with me here for a moment. There has been a lot going on, in my head, as of late. A lot of things I'd love to touch on. But then it's strange because I lack the time to give those ideas the proper coverage they deserve. It is because of that and this looming fear of relevance-there it goes again-that I find myself unable to commit the words. It's a shame. Why do I care so much about being late to the party? Simple. I feel like it's a waste to purport the same trash that everyone else is. It's a waste of my time and the time of any patrons who would visit my "humble" establishment here.

This isn't about click bait. My site, not the title. The title is for sure click bait but it does serve a purpose as well. I want to further the conversation. That's where things like this place--looking further outward--can thrive. The internet. Innovation shines there. Or, at least it can if we allow it. So why not?

This is America. And this is the link to the video. And everything and this and that has been said about it. But no one seems to be talking about the other little subtleties. Maybe my own experience helps shape the perspective; not maybe, definitely, but that's beside the point. I saw the video and looked at scenes where the children are on the rafters above with their cellphones that were originally on Childish Gambino move to the violence that propagated the background and saw that as a call to action. To use that "tool" which he so cleverly alludes to just prior to the scene in question. How those children, having their faces concealed, showcases that it's not a race thing. And that symbolism of the modern revolutionist and how it will be the youth that spark it, just all speaks to me of so much more depth. The bell curve of the piece. How it starts simple, the crescendo, plateau, and then the decrescendo which no one really talks about. How the turning point, again at the children with faces obscured juxtaposed with the ones that were surrounding him, remarks at the height of the "performer." Let's call it the "Ice Effect." Referencing the rappers, T and Cube, as opposed to the transitioned form of water. How they came up with truth and "realness" and then eventually became staples of "a life." Faking it. Actors portraying things and lives they no longer lived or ever had in some cases. Just how once Childish raises his hands without actually holding a firearm and his "posse" vanishes. How he walks alone to the sum of his work. A stable of vehicles. A pretty girl. His wealth, his worth, for all he did to get there amounting to really, barely anything at all. Hollow. And into the end as he runs in the dark. For all he did, his endeavors in the end made him no different from those others who fell before him. The people, America, uses him till they no longer need him. In the coming revolution, he'll have to pay his dues just as everyone else. His time is over. But Childish has rapped about things like that for years. And comedians of colors have remarked about it as well. That, even the wealthiest, most famous, most popular person of color is still just that before anything else. At least in this system.

So where does Thanos fit in? Sure it was a distraction. Sure I enjoyed it and would speed the money over and over again in any countless number of alternate realities. But really, the only reason it's there is because I had this joke sitting in my head for a few weeks now about how I didn't realize Avenger's: Infinity War was going to be a horror movie. Because a black guy is the first to die.

Thursday
May242018

#ITDOESNTGETBETTER (11SEP12)

Source: tumblr

Untitled

I’m pretty sure I’ve invited thoughts of fatal harm upon my roommate four or more times in my mind today.

Thursday
May172018

Sometimes they don't finish at all. (11SEP12 V)

Medium: tumblr

Content:

“Nice guys don’t always finish last!!!” - Female’s headline on dating website

Tuesday
May152018

DHT: Welcome to the Cyber Era

Been a while since I've done one of these. Been even longer since I've bothered to do legit research beforehand. Reminds me why I don't do these as much. Okay, enough stall. "DHT" or Digital Human Trafficking is topic of this little jaunt. Enjoy.

The topic's coming up because of the recent passing of the FOSTA-SESTA bill(s) in the US. What makes this worthy of the 2.0 moniker however is of course the twist. The bills essentially target websites in what many have been decried as a misguided attempt to "do good" which ultimately, like everything else attempted by the current ruling government could be said to be, "...doing more harm than good." Sort of like that run-on sentence just now. There's more than enough coverage of the negatives of the bill. There's more than enough coverage of how the name of the bill justifies itself from the other side. But that's probably what brought me to the conclusions I'm about to share. It would appear that we've reached the point where the "crusties"--read as old crusty dudes in power--have come to accept, at least in part, that the internet isn't a fad. At this rate though it would seem like it's gearing up to blow the lid off what it has been all along. Another global power in and of itself. The internet is at its best a sovereign place or country. But, at its worst, the ruling bodies try to treat it like a tool or slave. It's laughable. No. It's sad.

So where does "DHT" fit in? Simple. One of the biggest targets of FOSTA-SESTA is based on the accusation that sex trafficking linked to sites is reason enough for said hosts to be held accountable. That makes sense on paper. But then let's release the part of our brains which is so ingrained in a "simpler time" and see the truth for what it is. If this wasn't already a market, it sure is about to be now. The new Human Trafficking. The new sex trade in the digital age. Cam sites.

For all that's said and done, it's honestly a lucrative business. How do I know this? I did research. Porn is already an industry giant. Internationally. And when word gets out about investments in the crypto market and ICO launches netting millions, clearly there's staying power for sure. So that brings us to the real meat of the subject. Who makes the money? Ideally it'd be the "cam model." But realistically, why would that be the case. Whether it be an offshoot of my own twisted sense, I implore you and anyone else to stop and really think about it for a second. What forces a susceptible person into being trafficked? What keeps them in that line of work? Then how would the digital space be any safer from such practices? The truth is, it's probably even easier in a digital landscape. "Out of sight, out of mind," right? This is but a sliver of the real world. These "lights" that are being brought to the dark corners of society are sadly doing only one thing. They're showcasing just how little the masses have cared to look at the life outside of their little bubbles. The world is full of sharp edges and the light just breeds longer, darker shadows.

Thursday
May102018

I'm a Sh*tty Son (11SEP12 IV)

Medium: tumblr

Corrections in Brackets

Content:

Honestly this isn’t a particularly new thought bubble. I just hadn’t gotten around to popping [it] over my keyboard I guess. It might be strange, I know it feels so to admit it publicly, but I’ve never thought about my father when referencing the fact that I am a “son.” His death in my infancy precluded me from ever truly knowing him so it had never dawned on me that I represent him in that sort of fashion. I have had plenty of friends with fathers and even then it had never really hit me until recently. I am my father’s son.

Even now, a week or two after from struggling with the idea, it still sounds so off to me. Why is it so difficult to integrate such a fact? I just don’t get it. Even though I have all the respect in the world for the man, it just isn’t clicking.

I’m a sh*tty son.

Thursday
May032018

11SEP12 III

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Content:

I’m not sure if it was the text message or the pain in my knee, but I’m awake now. My sheets stained in blood, I gave what would pass for my all this morning and even though I finally accomplished something, I still feel empty. Like I’ve done nothing at all. Like it doesn’t really count or matter for anything which, to be fair, in the the longest of runs, is probably truer than any sensation of existence I’ve felt these last 11 hours.

Thursday
Apr262018

11SEP12 II

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Corrections in Brackets

Content:

“Greater minds than mine, I’m sure.” I actually used that in an email. The email I sent the female that started this whole de[s]cent into…mainstream(?), I guess. It’s not like I’m a “hipster” so what do I give a crap about whether this is “mainstream” or not. Yes, I’m quoting myself.

I wrote those words and knew instantly where they’d serve the most purpose. It was to describe how my speculations toward her reasoning regarding the sudden temperament shift were infantile. I was honest. I really don’t understand the why and was honest about it.

I doubt I’ll get a reply back. Or closure. Turns out it doesn’t get better, unless you’re gay.

Thursday
Apr192018

11SEP12

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Content:

I wonder if you can channel the living? I had recently gotten into the Harmontown podcast and’ve found myself lost in the inflections of someone far my intellectual superior. They say the most sincerest form of flattery is imitation but what’s the point if I’m not actually any better for it.

I’m just even harder to stand now because I’ve become twice as smug, pompous, and liable to call someone an idiot.