220413 "I Want..."

That which isn’t mine to have.

Her to be with me instead.

To give in and be selfish for once.

To hold her as she holds me.

To give up this sense of nobility,

…I truly am the worst.


210413 "Darker Times Ahead"

My words are all hers. There’s nothing left for me to write. Would I could shatter these hands perhaps peace would fill the void. I’ve experienced and lost the masterpiece of all masterpieces. There’s nothing left I could create.


210413 "The Path Of A Guardian"

This is worse than living. I’m the sacrifice. I always was. I’ll do what must be done. She means too much to continue to sow the seeds of discord. My own selfish desires be damned. She’ll be the first, only, and last person to ever hold this heart. I just wish I could tell her I love her. Just one last time. With my whole self.

I leave to the dark.


210413 "Goodbye"

My body is riddled with new cuts and bruises. I’ve given myself to the world and found it harsh and full of sharp edges. No longer will I find myself laugh or smile for the light has always been out of reach. There is nothing for me here. That much is assured. I was too late. Always, just too late. In the end, I’m the one who won’t move on. I’m the only one still fighting. No apologies, no surprises. Just pardon me, as I fade to something darker than black.


200413 "Friendly Advice"

I have to stop giving in. It’s not healthy for or right to her. To continue would hinder her chances at a happiness with what she already has.

I want her more than my next breath. Everything that has ever happened has been solely to get to this point. She is the best this world could offer. If it is the last thing I do, I’ll become worthy of her grace.

I am the worst. There’s no good an association with whatever I am can offer. I am the abyss and can only invite the same into any who’d attempt to share my existence.Can’t allow my darkness to smother her light. Go, leave me to the nothingness I’m destined to return to. The only home fit for such a lowly being.


100413 "Nameless"

I’ve had many an alias in my time on this planet. Today they all seem lies. Especially the one gifted by my parents. I know not who, or even what, this thing that is me could be.


170413 "Couldn't Send the First Draft"

Today wasn’t a good day. Had a song stuck in my head when I awoke this morning. “I Will Play My Game Beneath The Spin Light.” Listened to the whole album during work, just before lunch. My mind keeps telling me there’s something missing in my chest. I don’t suppose there are going to be any good days anytime soon.


150413 "I'm Not Nearly As Strong As You Think"

I wouldn’t have stopped at kissing.


140413 "Please Don't Read"

I’m really going to hate myself for this. I’m promising myself right here, right now, with you as witness, that I’m going to hate every last fiber of my being for the rest of my miserable life. Future me will hate me and question all that is good and holy why such a travesty of human waste such as myself could’ve been spared for so long. I really think I’m done this time.

Sorry, I’m just so mad at myself here. I can’t convince you how wonderful you are and how ridiculous it is to believe you could ever be at fault for what’s happening. I’m choking, I’m drowning, I’m seizing. I don’t know what to classify this as but it’s the most painful experience I know of right now. It just seems to radiate through me in rhythm with my heart. I’m so pissed off at myself. And now I know we can never meet. I’m sorry but I can’t accept this. I can’t just stop this in its tracks. I love you and I’m not sorry for that. I love you for everything that you are. So, I know if we were to meet I would kiss you. I would kiss you and hold you in my arms and steal you away just like that. Screw the consequences. I wouldn’t be able to give you up.

Look, I’m clearly fed up. It hasn’t even been a day of this and I’m so riled up because I was holding back so much just in the short span of the​conversation we had. I shouldn’t be saying any of this but I’m telling you, this is killing me. I’m dying inside at the fact that this all feels like a goodbye to the brightest future I could’ve ever hoped to have. Yeah, I’m absolutely selfish. Completely. You, you’re absolutely perfect. I’m not long for this world. Whatever was revived in me or whatever I was becoming is no longer a reality. I can feel myself slipping back into that sick, sad, twisted individual who could feel close to nothing and had one purpose in life. To fade from existence. And… I’ll never send this.

**** ****. My wife. Our anniversary was April 13th 2013. We would’ve had our honeymoon begin in Seattle, transfer to California, and then finish off in New York. We would’ve spent our lives constantly try to prove something to each other,​ falling deeper in love with each other’s perceived flaws. We would have started a family. They would grow up and ask us how we came to be. We’d introduce them to Community. Some of the jokes would be lost on them but they’d still ​find the spark of genius just as we had in our younger days. We were going to grow old together. You would by that point be constantly heckling me about how long it took to ​finally ​grow a pair and fight for this. I’d just smile the only smile I’d ​have made since meeting you. A sincere one. And the chase would begin. We’d always end up in the bedroom where we'd​ plop on the bed and just cuddle as we stared at our ceiling contemplating​ the wild ride that brought us to that moment. I’d turn to you, gently brush some hair out of your face and kiss you on the forehead. I’d Tell you how after all this time I never lost even an ounce of love for you. You’d smile and we’d just hold each other. And that’s just how our days would end sometimes.

I’m hurting. It’s not your fault. I gave everything I had emotionally because you are the one. Please, don’t take this the wrong way. Please don’t blame yourself for any of this. Please, I beg of you because it will just be all the worse.​ ​The massive strain such would form would surely break us of even the most mundane of associations. I need you in my life. Don’t ever ask me to stay. I’m never leaving. Even as my insides hollow out, I will forever be yours. I long ago accepted my fate. I just have to get back into it once again. I just have to carve this out of me and all will be fine. I won’t try to take you from your life anymore. We’ll just be friends.

If you ever need me. I’ll find a way. You’ll never be alone again as long as I live.




140413 "Losing It"

I want you because you’re better. Because in being so, you make me better.


170313 "Worth A Try"

So, how's everyone doing out there?


[tumblr140313]About to Expl...{AFG}

So much on my mind


120313 "Sribble Scratch Tumble Tear"

I feel lost to the sky. All my words taste like shit. For me this is leaps and bounds. The world sees baby-steps. I don’t know if I can feel anything of value. I don’t know that there’s value left within me. Alone, so alone and afraid to fail. Truly a failure already, I feel my moment has past. I wasn’t born in the wrong era, I’m just late in realization of my piss-poor ability to adapt. Is it too late to be something else?

I’m stifled. My voice is mute. I can say nothing until the time comes and then the scrutiny of reality will set its gaze upon me. I sold my soul, how naive I was to believe there’d be no me without it.


020313 "Of Bags and Cats"

So, it looks like the truth got out. I have no way of gauging how much or the specific content that made it through but one thing’s for sure, I have a lot of work a head of me. The brain’s jolting but ideas are a chaotic mess. If there’s a way or hope of some kind, I have to find it.

And fast.


The First Time I Tried to Kill Myself

There's this weird feeling in my head at the moment. Find myself circling around memories or perhaps they're dreams. It's strange to think I've been without a heart for so long. It's strange to think I'm debating with myself the meaning of a romantic relationship and how feasible it is to have one without physical intimacy of any kind and a complete lack of emotional exclusivity. I'm making excuses. Excuses so that I don't have to find myself in the next few years prepping another "Goodbye." Just when you thought you could devalue your life any further amirite?

There was this time when I was truly happy. Or maybe that was another dream. Seems I do that a lot. It's safe to say I'm talking about Anne. She's not here anymore. I gave her the closure she asked for all those years ago. It felt.... Can't say good because that would be a lie and I lie enough to get by in this world to waste it on the one place that can't overtly judge me. Right. Comments are all but disabled because the platform depreciated this version of itself. That's something Squarespace doesn't tell you. Good times. Tangent ended. I grew up without my father. Not sure I'd call it a broken home but then it wasn't exactly conducive to a healthy mental development as I'm sure my backlog will readily exemplify. She was pregnant. She was married too but that didn't seem as important at the time. Love right? Something like that. Still've never met another person like her. Law of averages, it's more likely to be impossible to find two people who are exactly alike. Sure, that's how science works. Tangent two complete. I couldn't destroy it. The family. But I could destroy myself. Become the villain. Seems like every potential relationship I've ever had has ended in such a way. And me without anywhere near the money necessary to fix such a striking character flaw. A world overstock with heroes produces...

I can't keep pretending this is more than what it is but; actually no, let's do that. I've gotten older. More gray hairs keep popping up. Prefer silver to bald so no complaints there. I'm surprised I made it this far to be honest. I'm surprised by a lot of what I seem to be capable of. I was sitting behind my desk looking at the floor of the tent. I was overwhelmed. Such was life over there in the dust. Took it in my hands. Loaded a round, switched it to semi, and put the muzzle to my head. That's out of order. I definitely switched it to semi after placing it against my forehead. Not that it really matters but, meh. Rested my finger on the trigger and slowly started to squeeze. Should've kept the bullet as a reminder.

"Duty first, service always," right? That's surprisingly what snapped me out of it. Tears on my face; that's what brought me back. The fact that I had a mission to complete. How childish must I have been? How weak? Swayed by my duty to my country. I'm surprised I'm still that way for the most part. Paid off my largest debt today. Just three more debts to pay off before I'm completely free. I'm surprised I've gotten here. I'm surprised how long I've remained alone and suffering. I'm surprised that I already have a fleshed out plan for the end. I'm surprised how easy it will be to execute. I'm surprised that just six years ago was the first time I tried to kill myself and that the next time there likely won't be any mission to take me away from it.


010313 "Found/Forgotten"

I’m in a bad way.

My days are filled with longing.

Her beauty sets my heart ablaze.

There could be no better existence.

I’m in a bad way.

I can feel excitement when she enters my gaze.

Where once the dark alone brought solace, her light has taken over.

I’m in a terrible way.

My soul is anxious, awaiting once next our paths cross.

The night’s forever glory are now ever dreary.

Bliss may yet exist if a visit to my dreams is permitted.

I’m in a terrible way.

Her smile sates me.

Her happiness renews my hope in the future.

She shines brighter than any star, hotter than the sun.

Her existence begets all my desires, relieves all fears, and absolves me of my regret.


010313 "March"

Honestly, I don’t even know where to start with this one.


8FEB13 "318"

I am absolutely miserable.

I don’t know what else to say. I don’t think there is anything else that should be said.

I went on this long tirade a few hours ago and lost it all to a malfunctioning computer. Such circumstances made this just that much more frustrating until I realized the best place to start was the end.

I don’t know how to let go of myself. I fear that the void it’d create would engulf me whole. I feel so alone. The superficial relationships I’ve formed up to now have been little other than distractions from the fact that I haven’t been able to connect with anyone, truly, in years. I need help.

I’ve always been different. I know there have to be others out there like me though. I just have to live long enough to find one. If I could just find that one, it’d make everything worth it. That’s what I’ve been holding on to all this time. If there were just something out there that could save me. Love me. Maybe it was all about love. Or maybe I should just accept this is it.


29JAN13 "That Power"

It feels like this page has gotten pretty stagnant. The amount of content I’m putting out has well, yeah, been stifled. I can’t really express why. I honestly don’t really have any idea why it would be. But maybe that’s not too bad. You see, I think I actually learned something because of that.

It’s sort of “the running joke of the month.” Truth be told, it’s more of the joke of the week. It stems from a song by Childish Gambino. It’s the title. All this time I’d been trying to reclaim something lost. I thought I had forgotten how to feel emotions. I thought I’d lost empathy. I didn’t think it possible to relate to human beings anymore but now I wonder if that’s what makes a human in the first place. If I pretend to care, if I fake it, what if that’s really all there is to it? Just the effort of trying makes it all meaningful.

Who am I kidding, I’m recycling a plot from an old television program. But for perhaps the briefest of moments, I felt better, maybe? I think I miss humanity more than I could ever allow myself to admit. But that just doesn’t seem to stop me from taking every action I can to separate myself from it. To actively act in direct opposition to what would be deemed reasonable. I call it a “Guardian complex.” But maybe it’s just as simple as psychopathy.

I’ll be forever tired at this rate. Taking on the pain of the world is bold. I’ll have to hollow out myself more if I’m to have enough space to accommodate. Can’t remember why this all started. Was I that ruined as a child to sacrifice any semblance of a delusion free existence?


27JAN13 "Delta Alpha November"

It’s the phonetic alphabet for “Dan.” I figured I’d get that out of the way early because this is primed to be a long one.

I made my way onto the Harmontown message board. The layout is slick and clean like facebook back in the day though it’s a bit hard to navigate if you don’t have steady daily internet. Sadly, that’s me but this isn’t going to be much about me. Not directly anyway. So, the point of me bringing that up was because I came across a post that inquired how we essentially became Harmonians.

This isn’t the right place or way to start a new paragraph. Someone reblogged something from the tumblog HavingChanged. I don’t quite remember what it was but it led me back to Dan Harmon’s actual tumblr. I just remember during an eight hour shift, going all the way back to the first post and reading through it till I reached the end. This was around May of last year. The most recent post was in regard to his, well…yeah, being fired.

I knew almost nothing about Community but the man’s words resonated with me. I wasn’t even “on tumblr” at that point, yet I made frequent visits to his blog as well as the HavingChanged page because I couldn’t get enough. It was as if I’d finally found someone who saw the world like I did. Obviously he was “streets ahead” but it was still refreshing. In fact his words and experiences had touched me to the extent that I was hesitant to watch Community. I was afraid it wouldn’t measure up to the perceived ideal I’d created. And then, I entered “the dirt” and yeah, I saw his vision. The world he created. It was more beautiful than I could’ve hoped. I can’t go as far as to say it changed me but it did challenge me. It challenged me to make a change myself. It was as real and authentic as whatever that means gets. character development-wise of course.

So that’s how it started. It hasn’t even been a year yet and I’ve gone through all three seasons, numerous podcasts, all his accessible tumblog posts, numerous fanblogs and all in search of that which is lost. Yeah, cryptic right? I honestly don’t know what I’m looking for but I feel like, well just something following along in his steps. And that’s the thing isn’t it?

Something is better than nothing.