[tumblr7JAN13]Things Got Weird{AFG}

I remember my last day there. It’s not hard to. It was only two days ago. I remember waking up tired. I always wake up tired if I wake up with the sun. I remember the cold. It’s always freezing in that room. That room. As if it weren’t my room. My room. Even as my fingers are the only one’s speaking the phrase, the feeling of discomfort such an accusation grants overtakes me. It’d never truly be my room. Just like this life could no longer be mine either. But here I am, losing sight of the original topic. My last day.

The sun was up and so was I. The worst part is the initial jolt. Putting on cold clothes sucks too. But the realization of where I am always reframes things. So, again, my last day.

There was a knock at the door. My presence was requested. Or so I was told. It was five minutes before my alarm would’ve gone off anyway. Well, five minutes before the first one. Time to move. Once I was “put together” I took a swig of water and made my way to the office. It tastes like chalk. But, it’s better than the alternative. I won’t express what that means.

On the stumble there I started to wax nostalgic of the previous morning. The one that ties it all together. The one I thought was my last until it wasn’t. You see, this is all about a girl. As cliche as it sounds, it always is. Even the lack of one makes it about one you see. At least that’s what I’m running with for now.

This may never end but maybe that’s how it should be. That’s how I wanted it to be. But, then things got weird. I liked her. A lot. Given the circumstances, even I knew I was jumping the gun. But it happened. Can’t take it back. But she just didn’t want things to be weird. Yeah, well, I remember my last day. I remember the last time I saw her that day. I remember the last words I spoke to her. I remember the last ones she spoke to me. Nothing. Not even a goodbye. But I can’t be surprised. Things got weird.

Yeah, I remember my last day. The morning that lasted until afternoon. The sound of the door closing behind her. The smell of smoke and fuel that mixed with the dirt and chill of the winter wind. She was a light. In only a short period I felt more than I’d felt in years for someone new. It was as though my past was finally just that, past. But now I’m back to where I started. Only, not so much. I started walking. I think I’ll continue. Whether this is me being impatient again or not, I don’t care. I’ll let them in. Start having friends again. If things end like they have in the past, then so be it. My only regret will be that I took so long to get there.

That all it took, was for things to get weird.




[tumblr24DEC12]It's Not Cold Anymore{AFG}

“Things like me don’t get to die happy. We live in sorrow and pain; our deaths, horrific and alone.”

Those words have been littering my mind for the past few days now. I can’t really put my finger on it but I think that I might’ve lost my mind sometime in between now and, I guess, when I was born. But this isn’t going to be a trip down memory lane. I’ve done enough of that in all the previous incarnations of what this always ends up becoming. Sometimes I wonder if my brain actively knows this is getting convoluted. I’ll have to remember to ask it one day.

SO, yeah, the point of this. I don’t think I remember anymore. That’s a lie. I remember. I just no longer feel like sharing. I’m miserable. No surprises there. “I, I, I.” What should I be doing right now is what’s most paramount. It’s not this. Great, “this,” just like the last couple are going to make about as much sense as a “hang-gliding whore-house.

I plan on pushing myself to death. If I survive, maybe I’ll finally be good enough. For someone. For the mission. For the fate this path I’ve chosen plans to bestow upon me. There it goes again, being convoluted.

I hate my writing. I hate myself.


[tumblr 20DEC12]Thrice{AFG}

It honestly feels as though perhaps this could be the best of days. The end, that is. There’s been this recurring phrase floating around my head the last few, months.

“I watch the world burn and all I think is, ‘maybe I’ll finally find some peace’”

The significance is hardly elusive. It doesn’t take genius to tell. I’m tired. I’m exhausted and unsure if there really is anything else I have to offer. Surprise, surprise, I’m sure. Just what the hell am I even doing any more?


[tumblr15DEC12]Untitled Part Two{AFG}{imdoingitwrong}

There it is. Things have found a new route yet again. Here we are. Here we go.

She said she missed me and just like that, I’m back where I started. She’s not right for me. Not in the least. But now I’m infatuated again. I’m struggling with the desire to compose music and poetry in her name. I honestly just can’t tell if it’s because of this place or if I’ve just reached the end of yet another rope.

It’d be great if that helped.


[tumblr 14DEC12]Untitled{AFG}{IMDOINGITWRONG}

There’s a lot on my mind. There always is really but lately I’ve done little but let it pile up. It’s not great. It’s like being mentally constipated. It’s there but it’s not coming out. I need something. Help, maybe? Something.


[tumblr] Michelle Vargas [28NOV12]{AFG}

Honestly, I had planned on probably delving back into the depressive state my mind tends to linger in but then I found something a bit more profound. I had left a message a while back–read as before I left the country–for a youtube personality, life coach extraordinaire, and all around awesome person, Michelle Vargas and lo and behold, she had actually replied back. I didn’t realize it because, well, put simply, I’m t'umb–read as tumblr-dumb or not well versed in the tumblr interface.

So, well, that’s what’s up now. I don’t know why but everything feels different now. Like this was that one sign I needed and at the time I needed it most, to be reminded that this isn’t the end. Not like “the end,” end but just that the whole point of this isn’t for naught. If I continue on, if I keep trying to reach out, maybe, just maybe I will find that one person.

So, lets give this back a go.


[tumblr] 90% of the World Is Sticky [01NOV12]{AFG}

I came up with that in the tower. “Came up with” is probably more of an over exaggeration than I can convey but just go with me on this for a moment. Everything and everyone seems to want to attach to everything and every one.

And just like that I just lost it all. So. Sad.



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…I just so happen to feel like crap again. Its been a while since I’ve written so I figured, I might as well. It’s not as though things have been going well in my absence. This isn’t a journal type of situation. I’ve just been, for lack of a better expression, off.

I started "The War, A Way" and stopped at chapter three. It was so strong and I was so motivated, yet now I’m, back to being what I’ve forever and a day circled. I was about to say something depressing just then. Something I feel or better yet felt about my self. Something I probably still feel. But, as I’ve stated before, I don’t have the luxury anymore. The mission has already started.

I’ve been behind this whole time, waiting for some kind of bell or whistle or just anything to signal the role I’m to play. It was foolish to think it’d be that easy. A fight like this? With stakes so high? How could I have been so blind all this time?

Simple. I fell pray to the very thing that I’d been trying to escape. Getting stuck in a rut. Becoming old, no. To loose the ability to adapt. So here I am. Maybe it’s already too late. I mean really, just what the hell can I even expect to accomplish at this point? Doesn’t matter really. Never did, probably. I’m just supposed to fight.

So. I. Will. Fight.


Last Philosophy (Broken) 09JUNE13

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MTL isn’t a name at all. It’s a legacy. The boundless world before us is a mere shadow of the power individuals carry within. To trust another can elevate but to trust one’s self will produce ascension. The one great truth is that everything is true. True as they are true, as true as they are lies. Disbelief, akin to time, serves solely to chronicle one moment to the next. In the end we are all merely existing, just, everywhere at once. There is a great will that guides us. It has many names. It has many faces. But in the end, it serves but one purpose. To find peace. A perversion of such that taints all who are reared has contaminated this world however. It is because of such that things that surpass the means of the rational develop. Beings that defy the false-sense of order perpetrated by man of old and upheld by those of new. Those, that pass on spawned the ether, are amalgams of the one truth that even such corruption can’t extinguish. They represent the will of life, of existence. They are the return to that pure state which all come to find in the wisdom granted by a lifetime of experience. They, like the shadow that looms, brought on by such archaic fears long forgotten, purport to influence the all that surrounds. And they progress as unaware as they are driven to an end they can neither grasp nor comprehend. The all exists within us as it does them. The only variance is acceptance. The truth will never change and they will continue on until a new dawn arises. One incapable of their necessity. The truest world, unhindered by doubt, empowered and enlightened.



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Just what am I even doing anymore?


Expletive Deleted

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Sometimes, I just feel like swearing. On an average basis or maybe just to the extremely conservative, I’m pretty sure I do.

Crap, dinner time. Whelp, that probably would’ve sucked anyway, take care!


Any One

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HELP ME! Please


Round Two

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So I guess it’s not as gone as I had previously assumed. Who am I kidding. It is. It’s gone. It has left me and I’m grasp at the coat tails of something else. Some other bit of inspiration. Though it may change the overall message, i think this will work. It kind of has to.

The previous post was supposed to be about how we can’t just be left alone. Everyone wants their two cents and everyone else want to give you theirs. About how I’m tired of being touched, influenced. Maybe I’ve even overstepped by saying that much. Really what it all boils down to is one simple thing.

I just want to be a lone right now.


Sad Clowns

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I started this off without a title. Not exactly a new approach for me but still not something I pull out of the “woodwork” all that often either. The space-bar on this keyboard is, quite, irritating, to say the least. It’s lost the ability to smoothly make contact with the circuit board underneath and thus releases with a fairly noticeable ‘thunk.’

I guess it really bothers me so much because I’ve spent so much of my life in the shadows avoiding the prying eyes and spotlight so many seem to covet. It was never really, my thing, even though every once in a while I’d long for a little appreciation myself. I’m just having a hard time trying to focus on the purpose of this in the first place with this space-bar right now. Oh well.

So, I started this with thoughts about how my writing has developed over the years. Even to this day I follow the guidance of muses but things aren’t as easily expressed anymore. Specifically, I refer to the funny.

I miss being able to dispense with comedy on a whim. It was almost my art. I guess, that’s really it. This keyboard has killed my mood. Or perhaps I should’ve dwelled more on the topic in the first place.

Take care.


Turns Out She Has a Boyfriend

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I had a nice little bit stored up but decided its worth to be equivalent to the sum of every thing else I’ve written up till now. I’m trying real hard not to pander but I’m just not sure any of this will come across connecting with its namesake.

You’d never know there was a delay but that’s the whole point of this in the first place; complete transparency. I came to realize I’ve taken “pander” for granted. I looked it up and now I reflect on how many times I’ve probably come off as a pretentious prick in high school. Then again, I was probably considered as such for any number of other reasons. I still am. I have the hardest time staving off the initial dismissal of the masses whenever interaction is mandated. It’s just easier to consider them incompetent. So much time is wasted on them. Thought, wasted, and for what?

That got pretty dark pretty quickly huh? No wonder I don’t have any friends. So, the whole point of this was because I’d started using facebook as a soap box. Again. Unfortunately, tumblr’s harder to come by in this place. Restrictions.

The news wasn’t a surprise. I’m more irate that I now have to find a new venue for subterfuge. It’s hard pretending to feel normal but it works when it works and for that and hopefully only in this short span I do hope to stay blissfully ignorant.

And with fractured attention we find yet another abrupt ending.


Conversations With Guardos

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For some reason I have the line, “Picking out my ‘fro with my fist-comb” stuck in my head. See link for source. That being said, I started a conversation with myself. Turns out, I’m still a dick. Go figure. Sad thing is that I just wrote that for the effect. I’ve consistently had conversations with myself for as long as I can remember. It’s not like I’ve ever terribly been close to anyone. Even when I DID have an abundance of “friends”.

Got distracted by something for a bit and dropped the flow. Sadly I guess that equates to the start of a new paragraph. Almost dropped another “go figure,” depressing, I know.

What was this even supposed to have been about I wonder now. Not much has changed since…oh, yesterday. Maybe I just…. Actually let me scratch this thought first.

I’m still searching for kin. The spirit kind of course. Someone or something out there that gets me. Like really, REALLY, “gets” me. So, until that days comes, I’ll continue to reach out. Nothing new with that declaration either but it just popped in all of a sudden. So, back to the random I guess.

I don’t know if I’m doing any of this right but here goes anyway.


Building Again

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So, just like that, everything begins to change again. I stumbled upon the innermost feeling I could find and was left no better than when I started. This isn’t a depressive rant this time. This is what’s happening here and now.

It’s easier. Accepting such a miserable truth has actually made the world so much more palatable. I don’t know why but at the moment it doesn’t interfere with the path I’ve chosen to walk so I’ll continue it. Continue it until there’s nothing left.

Of it or me.



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I’ve come to accept the fact that I’m garbage. Surprisingly it makes the day go by so much smoother. I wear it like a badge at this point. It’s my “YOLO” though “YOGFO” would be far more accurate. See? And with that I’ve tied the title to the content. Now what else is there to write?

A lot can be ascertained about a person from the way they write. I personally enjoy tumblogs that are picture heavy than not and the fact that mine is the opposite I think truly reflects that. I can’t stand myself and create things I also can’t stand. But I have to stay honest. I have to stay true to what’s inside.

This was never about gaining an audience. This was about finding that kindred. That one to prove I’m not alone. So far, no luck. So, I continue to write.


For Another Last Time

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Still feeling pretty crappy. I follow enough people in the “good will” business to know that I’m doing this all wrong. Really, really wrong. I’m holding back. Isolating myself. Closing myself off from the world I’ve come to exist within and consciously pushing everything that even resembles sincerity or kindness away. I know all this and I continue to do it. I even know why.

But, I guess that’ll be for another time.